What’s That Coming Over The Hill? (with a packet of fags and a bottle of Lambrini) Is It A Chav? Is It A Chav?

I’ve got wind of a battle going down on the streets of Britain. With a swish of a black cloak and the lighting up of a ciggie, Goths and Chavs go to war!

Britain has had its own fair share of ‘culture wars’, more notability the Mods and the Rockers, in the 1960/70’s. Now in the 21st century, two new groups are ‘at it’ - Goths, famous for wearing black, wearing make-up (yes, even the lads) and listening to death music. The Chavs are almost a complete opposite, stripy jumpers, tracksuits, Rockport’s and ASBO’S.

I sent my ‘home boys’ to investigate:

CHAVS

Seen as the ‘underclass’ of Britain, we however don’t believe this. Our chav seemed at home with his ‘bitch’ (who is pregnant with her third child, and is only 15) and a few ciggies. Smiling and taking a swig of his Colt 45 special brew, he explains about his culture. “It’s f**king safe man, yer know whatta mean? We think that wearing Paul Smith and Burberry is mint.”

What do you for a living? “Nowt, yet man. The Jobcentre are already paying Becks (his ‘bitch’) for Britney and Kylie (his and Becks children) so, we’re sorted for now. I trained as a bricklayer at college though.”

That’s great, do you have any plans to return to it, for your kids? “No man, my bro (not his brother, his mate) keeps me in weed and beer so I’m okay.”

What sort of music do you listen to? “Some dance, rap that’s about it, that Busta Ryhmes is safe as f**k!”

Bearing in mind your girlfriend is only 15, do you treat her from time to time? “Yeah, of course I do man! My bro gets hold of some White Lighting every now and then.”

Bearing in mind you’ve got a young family, do you intend to learn how to drive? “Don’t need to man, I’ve bin driving since I was 7. My bro’s got a new 1995 Fiesta and its f***ing good s**t man!”

I notice you’ve got a dog. “Yeah man, that’s Rocky it’s a pit bull, but its soft as s**t."

It looks pretty viscous. “Nah man, its only bit two people and one of them was me.”

What do you think of Goths? “Me and my crew go tw***ing them every Sunday at the park, there’re proper morbid f***ers.”

Any chance you and them could become mates? “Like f**k! They shouldn’t be dissing my homies. Now where’s my 20 superkings you offered me for this chat, man?”

Thanks to our Chav for the interview!

GOTHS

Goths are not so difficult to spot, taking their name from an early Northern European tribe, they wear all black, make up their faces white and listen to death metal, such as Cradle Of Filth.

We tracked down a Goth and she gladly let us interview her.

So why do Goths wear all black? “It sets us apart from the crowd, we don’t care what other people think, we are Goths and everyone else can just go away.”

What do you do for fun? “We just meet and have a chat every now and then, I’m at college, studying Art, so we meet often.”

You’ve got a reputation for witchcraft and believing in Vampires, do you? “Of course, you wouldn’t be a Goth if you didn’t. Personally I’m a practising Witch, my witch name is Gimmiesex Blossom.”

What ‘magic’ do you specialise in? “Just karma spells, if someone does something bad, then I’ll cast a spell!”

What stereotypes do you often deal with? “Them Chavs, they’ve got bad karma, they reckon we f**k animals – as if!”

(Screws up and throws away next question) So, I understand you and Chavs don’t see eye to eye, why? “They are just horrible. They think, just because you’re a Goth, you need a good kicking, well we dish out as much as we get.”

What do you think of their lifestyle? “Nothing, if they want to have kids when their 14, then that’s their problem, I’ll wait till I’m 45, thanks.”

So you have plans to get married? “Yes, but not yet, maybe when I’m 40. I want to enjoy life first, while I’m young."

Chavs describe you as ‘morbid’, do you agree with this statement? “No, we are in touch with our spiritual-dark side and karma will get them sooner or later.”

Some people are scared by your image, what do you say to reassure them? “Normally I would say f**k them, but it isn’t good karma. So I’ll say, don’t be afraid, we are not the enemy, them scummy Chavs and Chavette’s are the groups that people shouldn’t tolerate.”

Thanks for your time, I’ll just nip into the pub to get you half a lager.

Thanks to our Goth, hopefully you now know how the different teenage groups of Britain think, because we don’t!