And What Do You Do? - The Queen Comes To Wigan

So the Queen (and her husband!) visited Wigan on Tuesday. Nobody seemed arsed, which was (apparently – I wasn’t born) a stark contrast to her sliver jubilee visit in 1977.and her last visit in 1986. But who I am I to comment about the royal family and what they do for their modern-day subjects?

Wigan North Western train station greatly received ‘Her Maj’, which was so far removed from the usual welcomes you get outside the station. Sadly, her first site of Wigan was Cash Converters and a shop with TAXIS written on it. Typical Wigan really – everything prepared but not thought out properly. Surely we could have had a more useful and appealing site than the above two businesses?

She then headed to WN5 to visit Kitt Green’s Heinz factory, which is 50 years old. Prince Philip felt at home with the ‘Marsh Green Boyz’ and even joined in with a bit of stone-throwing and racially-dubious heckling. The Wigan Evening (rugby) Post was on fire with their embarrassing headline-quips. ‘Queen Meanz Heinz’ was one - I bet that hasn’t been used in relation to the factory before, eh? Britain’s long-serving monarch then did a bit of time-travel by visiting the Oliver!-themed town of Leigh. She officially opened their ‘Sports Village’, built by Wigan Council.
Her royal tour was over after a visit to Bolton. Whether or not she suffered any mutations from her visit there, remains to be seen.

Anyway, here are three alternative activities that the Royal party could have participated in.

Spending a day with Wiganers of their own age - The Queen and Prince Philip spend the day with Wigan’s vast pensioner population. They get on the bus at 9.30 (which is timed by the second) for free and take a pointless ride around the borough. They sit down and put their bag on the other seat, not allowing a worker, who has actually paid for the ride, a seat.

Later they’ll nip to the local club for a game of Bingo, a lemonade and a moan about the youth of today and how pensioners should be entitled to everything, despite plenty of their number not doing a days work in there lives. Later, they visit their mates, in the cemetery and attempt to dig them up. This is when they are locked up in a local mental hospital, or ‘Brainstorm House’, to use the politically correct term.

A visit to the local paper – Her Maj visits those clever hacks at the WEP and marvel at how they can turn a story about a cat being sick, into a four-page pullout about animal rights. They also visit their ‘propaganda section’ and look at how history has seen them single-handily build up the fan-base and interest in Wigan Rugby League. Sadly nowadays, they’ve jumped onto the Latics bandwagon and have somehow conned their readers into believing the club was formed in 2005, when they got into the Premiership. The Queen will also pay tribute to the paper’s bosses, as they have been kindly employing talentless writers and journalists since day one.

A visit to Wigan Pier - The Queen believes that this visit will see her looking around the famous heritage centre and museum. But seeing as they no longer exist, thanks to the Council’s ‘big plan’ (their interpretation of a new ‘heritage centre’ is made out of hotels and flats), she is left surprised when Prince Harry pops up to take her for a ‘jive’ at the infamous ‘bouncy house’ club. Again, her perception will prove to be false, as activities at the club don’t involve jiving of any kind, plus the only thing ‘bouncy’ in there is the fake/stolen boobs of the orange-skinned women, who are molested by toothless urchins from Skem, naturally.