A Night Out - With Disco Dave

I take a dim view of binge drinking (or as I call it, ‘Them Fairies Who Can’t Handle Their Drink’), so I've got a 20-something outgoing lad to record what happens during a typical night out - introducing DISCO DAVE.

Hi guys! My name is Dave and I’m to keep an account of my night out this Saturday, so enjoy!

Friday 5.00PM. After finally finishing my shift at ‘A. Marcos shoe shop’ I have a quick WKD with my work mates. I get a lot of hassle, because the shoe shop sells just women’s shoes. My family thinks I’m a gay, but I’m 24, outgoing and I’ve slept with two women!

6.30PM. After saying goodbye to Vicki, Lisa and Jane (really would love to get into her knickers!), I get the bus home, there’s some women with the biggest tash I’ve ever seen, but I ‘would’. Get home and text Mick and Javier, their well up for tomorrow.

9.00PM. After having a nice long soak in the bath, I watch Emmerdale, Corrie & Eastenders, but s**t I didn’t set the recorder for Home & Away, Neighbours and Hollioaks. BO***CKS. Anyway, after seeing the torment that little Ben Mitchell was going through, I decide to dry my eyes and go to bed - early start in the morn.

Saturday 12.00PM. After getting up early, I have a quick wash and put on my best loafers and jumper and head off into town to do some shopping. I get myself a nice Orlando Richards shirt (£101 – a bargain!) and a Jason Grimshaw pair of jeans – they’re well cool. Also buy new bottles of self tan (Dale Winton range), shampoo, conditioner and hair wax. I was going to go to the hairdressers, but I think my roots are okay – for now. I have a WKD and a burger and chips in Wetherspoons and head off home.

3.00PM. After unpacking my things, there’s not a lot on, so I catch up with Scoob and the gang on Boomerang. Then I have a quick nap.

7.00OPM. I’m woke by my phone going off, Mick said him and Javier are meeting at the Wetherspoons at 9.30, S**T, I’ve only got 2hrs 30mins! Best book a Taxi for 9.

9.00PM. After a quick shower, I realise that I’ve got just 1hr 30mins to go, so I slap on the stuff I bought today and my new clobber looks ace! The taxi arrives a minute late, they just can’t get it right can they?

9.20PM. Meet the boys in the pub, have a quick laugh and a joke, get a few WKD’s down, I also attempt to drink a Foster Ice, but that beer’s s**t, man! Also spot Jane and her mates, they’re off to Alonso’s later. That’s a great club btw, wall to wall crumpet!

10.30PM. We move on to Barry’s Bar, I don’t usually go in here, its usually full of drunks, but we couldn’t resist the music, DJ T. Osser is on, and he’s ace! After a quick dance/grope with some random bird, I’m told to f**k off by some guy wearing a leather jacket, what’s that all about then?

12.00AM. After a quick pit stop at Kabba Dabba Doo, where I buy a 12’ donner and chips, we head to Tom’s Cocktail Bar. I get a Chocolate WKD with vodka and rum, its brill! Plenty of women, but we’re too busy male bonding, by taking it in turns to chat up the fit barmaid.

1.30AM. We head to Alonso’s and get in with no probs, usually I get ask for ID in here, BOUNS! Spot Jane and her mates and have a chat with her. Its all going well and I take her smile as a sign. So just seconds after putting my hand up her skirt, I’m grabbed by two big hairy blokes wearing dark clothes and chucked out head first into the street. Everyone’s laughing at me, my mates, Jane, her mates, the blokes. One of bloke’s kicks me and say’s something like ‘that’s my fudding bird’.

3.03AM. Dazed and confused, I head to Beaver to drown my sorrows, I’m hurt, wet, sad and, of course, drunk. Anyway here’s to you, cheers. :-(

Sunday 11.00AM. I wake up, but my eyes are hurting me. When I do open them, I can’t see nothing but black hair. I push up my head and I realise that I’m stuck in between some bird who, seriously, looks like a bear. I say morning to her, and figured, ‘what the hell’ and manage to do it one more time. I didn’t respond to her chat, apparently her name’s Claire, and she leaves.

1.00PM. After grabbing a shower, I ring up them two p***ks, to gloat about my night of passion, there’re well annoyed, serves them right!

Overall it wasn’t the perfect weekend, but at least I 'got some'. She left me her number, so what do you think I should do? Let me know and thanks for reading!