The Office of Death

They say office jobs are cosy but looking around a typical office the hooligan inside me can see the damage that an ordinary piece of stationary can cause. And that’s not a hooligan who wears bad clothes and speaks with a South London accent either!

So if some coffee-supping dickhead gets on your wazzock, here’s a number of things you can inflict on them.

The Stapler – Depends what size, the bigger the better I suppose. The beauty of a stapler is that it is handheld and easy to conceal, unless you’ve got hold of an industrial stapler which will make you one evil bastard! The best place to staple is normally the face but it doesn’t really matter as most staplers are pretty versatile. Rating – 8/10

Scissors – Quite easy to figure out how to use, as most of today’s cowardly, bed-wetting gangs (or ‘crews’ as they like to call themselves) use scissors, hence there’s no class in using these on some daft bollocks in the office. And having class is everything. Rating – 5/10

Photocopier – I love this method. You can physically assault them using the lid of the photocopier and take a picture at the same time. So you can extract revenge and take home a souvenir of the bastard’s bloodied face. You’ll feel very much like a photo-booth operator at a theme park ride. Rating – 9/10

Water Cooler – This is ‘Wigan Water Torture’ at its best. Just shove your enemies head into an empty water cooler and fill it up. The knob won’t drown, they’ll just get poisoned by the polluted water which we are scandalously made to pay over-the-odds for. Rating – 6/10

Office Door – Bit of an obvious one but you can really take advantage of these new modern doors, which seem heavier but easy to break into for some reason. It’s also a great way to avoid any retribution as you could palm it off by saying ‘it was an accident’, but why you wouldn’t want to celebrate hacking off a limb, from a person who you hate, is beyond me. Rating – 8/10

The Phone – This is a bit of retro-violence but it’s ideal if you’re alone with your nemeses, so nobody can see you cave their head in. It’s a bit risky but if you’ve got nothing to lose then go for it. It’s a widely used technique in the city, apparently. Rating – 7/10

Shredder – No not the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ mortal enemy, I mean an actual paper shredder which apart from inflicting excruciating pain on your target, will also make you an hero, let me explain. Basically, all you have to do is to (sneakily) put the person’s tie/blouse into the shredder and when they scream for help, make it look like you’re trying to help them. This will give you the chance to smash their face into the desk a few times, under the pretence of ‘I’m trying to get them out’. You can also let them asphyxiate for a bit and/or feel them up. Make sure you do eventually pull them out, so you can claim your praise around the office for saving the wanker’s life. Rating - 10/10

Filling Cabinet/Cupboard – This is more of a ‘holding technique’, so you can spend some time deciding what do with them (using the above methods) when everyone has gone. Just make sure you don’t imprison them in a wardrobe – knowing your luck they’ll escape to Narnia or summat!

Sack and Bag – A bit of an extra activity here, if you’ve somehow managed to hack off two or more limbs, you filthy beast! Make sure the post sack is clearly addressed to Andy Burnham before cramming it with the various body parts. Don’t forget to nick their wallet/purse.

Please note that I don’t take any responsibility if you carry out any of these actions, although I would be willing to provide you with an alibi if the bung is large enough.