A Proper Pub

What makes a 'proper pub'?

A pint for the men
…a glass of wine or half glasses for the ladies

A fine selection of Real Ales
...and only three Lagers on tap

No WKD’s, Smirnoff’s or Reef’s
…just psychedelic mild that gives you a far better high than any drug can

A busty barmaid
…who is old enough to be your mam

Everybody is friendly and always up for a chat
…even if you gave them a slap five minutes earlier

Chats about life, politics and pets
...from the comfort of a barstool, as you prop up the bar

Owd blokes who have their own stool at the bar
…and their own tankards hanged up

The only food that's served are pies, crisps and pork scratchings
…which are always out of date

The stench of sweat, flat ale and tobacco get up your nose
…despite there being a smoking ban

Toilets that tell you that they are for ‘Ladies’ and ‘Gentleman’
…and smelling like someone’s done ‘their business’ in a bucket and left it there to rot

Betting slips lie crumbled and torn
…as nobody ever wins

No tracksuits, baseball caps or scruffy bastards
…everyone has their own style

A resident pub dog that always jumps on you and licks your face
…a resident pub dog, albeit a female humanoid, that always jumps on you and licks your face

Anyone under 18 isn’t checked for ID
…but asked if they’re old enough anyway

An old couple in the corner, drinking havles of brown ale and talking about the past
…a young couple, drinking bitter and wine and talking about the future

No telly’s showing sport, reality TV or gameshows
…just the chatter of good friends about sport, life and how bingo is fixed

Karaoke on a Friday neet
…that lasts five minutes before everyone gets sick of it and starts throwing glasses

An old dusty piano that sits in the corner
…that nobody can play

Christmas decorations that litter the ceiling
...in July

No need for quiz and jukebox machines
..as a game of cards, dominoes (never for money) and a good old drunken sing-song will suffice

No trouble, fights or crossed words
…just take it outside

For this is a pub, a proper pub.

Shame their all dying.