CIN (Celebrities In Need)

Is it me or is the line-up for 'Children in Need' getting worse every year? It's getting to the point now where I'll give them a couple of quid just to tell the likes of the Eastenders cast and BBC newsreaders to fuck off. You would have thought that they would provide people with proper entertainment, something they've never seen before, which will make them give money - because they enjoyed it. For some reason they just expect you to give money. I'm sorry but if you're going to do that, then don't have a telethon. Just stand outside ASDA with a money pot, I’ll gladly give some money. The idea is to entertain people, I don't want to watch some ugly bint from Eastenders murdering a classic song.

There’ll be people who’ll say, ‘well its all for charity, stop being a miserable bastard’, well surely if it’s for charity, you should be trying that little bit harder? These ‘acts’ do it for self gratification and promotion. Every one of the bastards who were on, promoted something or other. Proper acts don’t need to promote themselves, in front of the millions of x-factor-type viewers who seem to enjoy tacky and embarrassing television.

My stomach was to turn as the vastly overrated Peter Key came on, banging on about his (yet another) ‘charity’ single, by his ‘Peter Kay’s Animated All-Star Band’. Of course he had to slip in a mention of his forthcoming tour, ‘tickets are still available’, as the audience lapped him up, like a seedy businessman laps up a scantily-clad female dancer.

These ‘celebrities’ don’t do anything for nothing. While you’re sitting in a bath of baked beans or having your hair shaved off, it doesn’t mean anything because you would look like a tit. Celebrities on Children in Need may make tits of themselves, but the amount of praise and profile they get from appearing, will see them laughing all the way to the bank.

The only bit I did enjoy was the specially-made weekly program ‘Around the World in 80 Days’, which seemed to miss out most of the world! Obviously, the opportunity of a free holiday was too much of a pull for the celebrities taking part in this relay-type trip. Would this show be done better with ‘normal’ people? Perhaps parents of children who come under the remit of the Children in Need charity? They would definitely be trying that little bit harder, instead of going through the motions like the pair from ‘The Apprentice’

Here are five things I’ve learned from ‘Around the World in 80 Days’:

1. I would gladly punch Saira Khan in the face and not regret it


2. Myleene Klass is everything I thought she would be – an utter spoilt t**t. That isn’t attractive lads


3. Julia Bradbury is definitely a fit ‘older piece’



4. Matt Baker is definitely giving Julia one


5. Josie Lawrence gave me the biggest laugh of the series – (to Myleene) “Ooh, sit here and you can finish my burger”

Anyway, the biggest thing I’ve took away from Children in Need this year, is learning that it’s now just a vehicle for crap celebrities to try and raise their profiles, it has nothing to do with charity and entertaining people. Some of them should instead part with a tiny bit of their (unjustly earned) money instead of begging us to give ‘what we can’. How do you think people, who struggle to pay the bills each month, feel when we have someone like Robbie Williams, who signed a £80 million record deal in 2002, is begging us to give more money? Would our kids actually benefit? They don’t in Wigan, I can tell you that.CIN (Celebrities In Need)