A Tiger Feat

I was stumbling around a London hotel room at 6am when I heard the news about Tiger Woods being involved in a car crash and his wife had to smash open the window with a golf club to get him out. Less than a week later, it turned out she was probably trying to twat him with it, after his murky ‘personal life’ came out. Apparently, Tiger has been doing more ‘coming’ than the occupants of a backstreet porn-studio!

Yes, the worlds best golfer (yes, A GOLFER) has finally been caught by his wife of 5 years, after a (alleged) string of affairs over the last few years. With the tabloids being tabloids, nobody seems to know how many women he’s knocked off in the short time he’s been married. Apparently, it’s easily into double figures as it’s emerged that Tiger has a taste for an ‘adult actress’ or two. I can hear them now ‘Ooooooh Tiger, you’re such an animal!’ (Obviously puns aren’t my strong point!)

Now I know this is sad for his family and you’ve got to feel for them, but who would have expected a golfer as famous as Tiger to be involved in this kind of carry on? True, we’ve had Nick Faldo but that’s like saying we’ve got a bike and the yanks have a Ferrari. This just proves why women go for men like Tiger – the money and fame. I’m sorry girls (if any read this) but its true, forget about the ‘GSOH’ bollocks. As long as the blokes wallet is fat enough, it doesn’t matter about anything else. Shallow, that’s all you are!

Sexism aside, Roger Federer must be shitting himself. First his Gillette TV ad team-mate Thierry Henry made himself into a villain by using his hand in the build up to France’s goal against Ireland in the World Cup play-off match, now fellow ‘close shaver’ Tiger has been in more holes than one of his golf balls. The ‘Curse of Gillette’ exists, I’m telling you!

It should be interesting to see what becomes of this story but it’s only going to get worse as the world’s gutter press have stuck their noses in. Expect Tiger’s mistresses to star in a string of reality shows, perhaps all at the same time. Tiger’s Mistresses? I can see it now, a big-brother style show with the winner being the one who is the most bitchiest. Wonder if the prize of a night of passion with another golfer, erm…Colin Montgomery will go down well?

Fair play to Tiger though, the last two weeks have done more for the image of golf than anyone wearing any ‘wacky’ outfit could ever do!

Bye Bye Teletext

A sad event happened last week in the North West - the analogue television signal was switched off. Now we have to put up with 100’s of channels showing absolute shite. How can that be though? Surely more channels will mean more great programmes? Does it bollocks! The majority of the channels are pointless, the only aspect I love about digital television is the catch-up services and the IPlayer. When they work of course.

The sadness that I refer to, isn’t the loss of ‘council telly’ but for the loss of the best television invention since ‘Real Wives TV’ – Teletext. I hope that most people have fond memories of scrawling through pages upon pages of news, information, adverts etc that were all displayed on Teletext, or the BBC version – Ceefax.

I have fond memories of playing the quiz on Channel 4 Teletext – Bamboozle. The quiz was hosted by the insufferable Bamber Boozler, who always seemed too smug when you got a question wrong and had to start from the beginning. I loved playing it, well when I could play it - my Mum used to always play it before me and spoil it by asking me for answers! Weekends saw a junior quiz – hosted by Buster Boozler. This quiz was normally a piece of piss and was a two fingered salute to middle-class Blue Peter-watchers who’s Mummy and Daddy could afford them this new craze called the ‘internet’. Who needs it when you could abuse Buster and his Dad on Teletext?

It was great for checking sports news and scores. When I couldn’t get to a Latics match, I used to always check every five minutes for the score! I also remember me and my Mum staying up late to keep checking updates of Greg Rusedski playing in the 1997 US Open tennis. Shame he lost! Another aspect I liked, was that you could display the latest scores on the bottom of your screen whilst you were watching a program on the same channel.

A great story involving sport and Teletext was when Wycombe Wanderers were so short on strikers that they put an advert on Ceefax. Roy Essandoh replied and ended up scorer the winner against Premiership Leicester City in the FA Cup! A great story that just goes to show that watching television can do some good!

Another great aspect of Teletext was holidays - we even booked one once! It was a cheap, last-minute deal, which was a great surprise when you’ve come home from a tough day at school. Well I say tough day, I had more trouble from the teachers than the other kids! But just imagine what state the holiday industry on the interweb would be like if Teletext hadn’t have plugged the gap? I very much doubt you’ll be able to nab some holidays for as cheap as they are now.

Teletext may have been slow at updating stuff but it always displayed a great array of information. I don’t like this new digital text, as somehow it seems to be slower than Teletext, doesn’t display half as much information and it makes you reboot your set-top box on a regular basis! If you wanted subtitles, all it took was a quick press of your text button followed by 888. Now you have to trawl through your settings, which could take an age, depending on how good your box is! I hate digital television!

RIP Teletext

Balls, Balls and More Balls

So I’m watching the draw for the 2010 World Cup, in between making my tea and texting. I can’t help but notice that apart from Charlize Theron being a fit piece, that this draw is an utter mess. I grew up loving watching the FA Cup draw, were balls were just pulled out of a bag. In a World Cup draw - all the balls are put in ‘pots’ and are ‘seeded’, god knows what Alan Titchmarsh must be thinking.

I understand that this is done so each group would have teams from different continents playing each other, but it’s the way they go about it that bothers me. Draws for cup competitions should be simple affairs, not all glitter with a b-list actress doing the draw. 100’s of people had to be drafted in to help the draw run smoothly, whilst a week previously the FA Cup draw was done in a room with 3 blokes. That’s how draws should be, save the spectacular stuff for the opening ceremony. Oh how I’m looking forward to that…not!

England have got a ‘favourable’ draw and will play the likes of the USA, Algeria and Slovenia. I’m happy with this draw and I was delighted to draw the Americans. Despite the ‘special relationship’ between the two nations, I always love any encounter with the yanks - hopefully this time we can beat them! It’s just a shame that 85% of America doesn’t give a toss about football, or ‘soccer’ as they call it. It’s equally a shame that 85% of those in England watching the football in June, won’t have a fucking clue about football, or ‘footie’ as they call it.

We should get through, but the upmost respect must be shown to these teams. USA have some quality players playing in England, Algeria are a decent African outfit and Slovenia beat a very good Russian side to qualify via the play-offs. Hopefully we can avoid any banana skins and more importantly - get the yanks back for making most of their 80’s films run with a anti-communism theme. I believe if you even say ‘communist’ in America - you’ll be put in irons as quickly as you say ‘it’s a joke, no don’t touch me there’!

During the glitzy affair that was the World Cup draw, another glitzy affair was underway to unveil the brand new World Cup ball. Eh? It’s a football, not a frigging rule change! All this attention on a football – it’s laughable! Apparently the ball is called ‘Jabulani’, which means ‘bringing joy to everyone’ in Zulu. I wonder how the other 10 official languages of South Africa feel about that?

Needless to say that this new ball is apparently ‘the roundest yet’, so you’re saying that they played with a square ball in the 50’s? I don’t understand how you can get a round ball to be even rounder than it already is! Still, this ball isn’t a patch on my favourite tournament ball – the England Euro 96 one. I know it’s a biased claim, but I have fond childhood memories of me kicking it around the field and being very careful not to bounce it on tarmac, in case it got scraped. That lasted all of 2 weeks, until the artwork started to fade, as did England’s hopes of wining Euro 96! Sorry, I had to try a bit of poetry there!

Reports that the Euro 96 ball was named ‘Get in the net, you f***ing t**t!’, haven’t been confirmed.

Whatever happens, lets hope England have a good tournament. I’m not making any predictions, as I hate doing that, but fingers crossed we’ll progress through the group stages, as after that – anything could happen.

Another exit on penalties then?

Taken from my personal blog - Sex and the Mudhuts