Daniel Gee's Caravan of Hate

A Tiger Feat

2009-12-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

I was stumbling around a London hotel room at 6am when I heard the news about Tiger Woods being involved in a car crash and his wife had to smash open the window with a golf club to get him out. Less than a week later, it turned out she was probably trying to twat him with it, after his murky ‘personal life’ came out. Apparently, Tiger has been doing more ‘coming’ than the occupants of a backstreet porn-studio!

Yes, the worlds best golfer (yes, A GOLFER) has finally been caught by his wife of 5 years, after a (alleged) string of affairs over the last few years. With the tabloids being tabloids, nobody seems to know how many women he’s knocked off in the short time he’s been married. Apparently, it’s easily into double figures as it’s emerged that Tiger has a taste for an ‘adult actress’ or two. I can hear them now ‘Ooooooh Tiger, you’re such an animal!’ (Obviously puns aren’t my strong point!)

Now I know this is sad for his family and you’ve got to feel for them, but who would have expected a golfer as famous as Tiger to be involved in this kind of carry on? True, we’ve had Nick Faldo but that’s like saying we’ve got a bike and the yanks have a Ferrari. This just proves why women go for men like Tiger – the money and fame. I’m sorry girls (if any read this) but its true, forget about the ‘GSOH’ bollocks. As long as the blokes wallet is fat enough, it doesn’t matter about anything else. Shallow, that’s all you are!

Sexism aside, Roger Federer must be shitting himself. First his Gillette TV ad team-mate Thierry Henry made himself into a villain by using his hand in the build up to France’s goal against Ireland in the World Cup play-off match, now fellow ‘close shaver’ Tiger has been in more holes than one of his golf balls. The ‘Curse of Gillette’ exists, I’m telling you!

It should be interesting to see what becomes of this story but it’s only going to get worse as the world’s gutter press have stuck their noses in. Expect Tiger’s mistresses to star in a string of reality shows, perhaps all at the same time. Tiger’s Mistresses? I can see it now, a big-brother style show with the winner being the one who is the most bitchiest. Wonder if the prize of a night of passion with another golfer, erm…Colin Montgomery will go down well?

Fair play to Tiger though, the last two weeks have done more for the image of golf than anyone wearing any ‘wacky’ outfit could ever do!

Bye Bye Teletext

2009-12-07T16:51:00.001-08:00

A sad event happened last week in the North West - the analogue television signal was switched off. Now we have to put up with 100’s of channels showing absolute shite. How can that be though? Surely more channels will mean more great programmes? Does it bollocks! The majority of the channels are pointless, the only aspect I love about digital television is the catch-up services and the IPlayer. When they work of course.

The sadness that I refer to, isn’t the loss of ‘council telly’ but for the loss of the best television invention since ‘Real Wives TV’ – Teletext. I hope that most people have fond memories of scrawling through pages upon pages of news, information, adverts etc that were all displayed on Teletext, or the BBC version – Ceefax.

I have fond memories of playing the quiz on Channel 4 Teletext – Bamboozle. The quiz was hosted by the insufferable Bamber Boozler, who always seemed too smug when you got a question wrong and had to start from the beginning. I loved playing it, well when I could play it - my Mum used to always play it before me and spoil it by asking me for answers! Weekends saw a junior quiz – hosted by Buster Boozler. This quiz was normally a piece of piss and was a two fingered salute to middle-class Blue Peter-watchers who’s Mummy and Daddy could afford them this new craze called the ‘internet’. Who needs it when you could abuse Buster and his Dad on Teletext?

It was great for checking sports news and scores. When I couldn’t get to a Latics match, I used to always check every five minutes for the score! I also remember me and my Mum staying up late to keep checking updates of Greg Rusedski playing in the 1997 US Open tennis. Shame he lost! Another aspect I liked, was that you could display the latest scores on the bottom of your screen whilst you were watching a program on the same channel.

A great story involving sport and Teletext was when Wycombe Wanderers were so short on strikers that they put an advert on Ceefax. Roy Essandoh replied and ended up scorer the winner against Premiership Leicester City in the FA Cup! A great story that just goes to show that watching television can do some good!

Another great aspect of Teletext was holidays - we even booked one once! It was a cheap, last-minute deal, which was a great surprise when you’ve come home from a tough day at school. Well I say tough day, I had more trouble from the teachers than the other kids! But just imagine what state the holiday industry on the interweb would be like if Teletext hadn’t have plugged the gap? I very much doubt you’ll be able to nab some holidays for as cheap as they are now.

Teletext may have been slow at updating stuff but it always displayed a great array of information. I don’t like this new digital text, as somehow it seems to be slower than Teletext, doesn’t display half as much information and it makes you reboot your set-top box on a regular basis! If you wanted subtitles, all it took was a quick press of your text button followed by 888. Now you have to trawl through your settings, which could take an age, depending on how good your box is! I hate digital television!

RIP Teletext

Balls, Balls and More Balls

2009-12-06T07:27:00.000-08:00

So I’m watching the draw for the 2010 World Cup, in between making my tea and texting. I can’t help but notice that apart from Charlize Theron being a fit piece, that this draw is an utter mess. I grew up loving watching the FA Cup draw, were balls were just pulled out of a bag. In a World Cup draw - all the balls are put in ‘pots’ and are ‘seeded’, god knows what Alan Titchmarsh must be thinking.

I understand that this is done so each group would have teams from different continents playing each other, but it’s the way they go about it that bothers me. Draws for cup competitions should be simple affairs, not all glitter with a b-list actress doing the draw. 100’s of people had to be drafted in to help the draw run smoothly, whilst a week previously the FA Cup draw was done in a room with 3 blokes. That’s how draws should be, save the spectacular stuff for the opening ceremony. Oh how I’m looking forward to that…not!

England have got a ‘favourable’ draw and will play the likes of the USA, Algeria and Slovenia. I’m happy with this draw and I was delighted to draw the Americans. Despite the ‘special relationship’ between the two nations, I always love any encounter with the yanks - hopefully this time we can beat them! It’s just a shame that 85% of America doesn’t give a toss about football, or ‘soccer’ as they call it. It’s equally a shame that 85% of those in England watching the football in June, won’t have a fucking clue about football, or ‘footie’ as they call it.

We should get through, but the upmost respect must be shown to these teams. USA have some quality players playing in England, Algeria are a decent African outfit and Slovenia beat a very good Russian side to qualify via the play-offs. Hopefully we can avoid any banana skins and more importantly - get the yanks back for making most of their 80’s films run with a anti-communism theme. I believe if you even say ‘communist’ in America - you’ll be put in irons as quickly as you say ‘it’s a joke, no don’t touch me there’!

During the glitzy affair that was the World Cup draw, another glitzy affair was underway to unveil the brand new World Cup ball. Eh? It’s a football, not a frigging rule change! All this attention on a football – it’s laughable! Apparently the ball is called ‘Jabulani’, which means ‘bringing joy to everyone’ in Zulu. I wonder how the other 10 official languages of South Africa feel about that?

Needless to say that this new ball is apparently ‘the roundest yet’, so you’re saying that they played with a square ball in the 50’s? I don’t understand how you can get a round ball to be even rounder than it already is! Still, this ball isn’t a patch on my favourite tournament ball – the England Euro 96 one. I know it’s a biased claim, but I have fond childhood memories of me kicking it around the field and being very careful not to bounce it on tarmac, in case it got scraped. That lasted all of 2 weeks, until the artwork started to fade, as did England’s hopes of wining Euro 96! Sorry, I had to try a bit of poetry there!

Reports that the Euro 96 ball was named ‘Get in the net, you f***ing t**t!’, haven’t been confirmed.

Whatever happens, lets hope England have a good tournament. I’m not making any predictions, as I hate doing that, but fingers crossed we’ll progress through the group stages, as after that – anything could happen.

Another exit on penalties then?

Taken from my personal blog - Sex and the Mudhuts

Wigan Athletic: Beer, Birds and Football - DOWNLOAD NOW!

2009-11-26T08:41:00.000-08:00

It was written two years ago but I’ve finally cobbled together the blog posts from my year watching Latics at home - with my first ever season ticket!

Description

This is the story of Wigan Athletic in the English Premier League in 2007/08, seen through the eyes of a twentysomething fan who can only think about his beloved 'Latics', having a 'few pints’ and trying to get in with women. Still 2 out of 3 ain't bad, as an overweight rock legend once sang!

Wigan went from top of the league to being threatened with relegation, a sacked manager, England-call ups, 5-3 wins, cheating players and referees - and not forgetting - seeing the Premier League trophy being lifted in the flesh!

And of course, along the way the author found himself pissed up in various Northern English drinking establishments, even going to a rave wearing corduroy and being molested by the living dead!

This is what being a real football fan is about. This is - Wigan Athletic - Beer, Birds and Football!

You can download the e-book as a .PDF here or alternatively here

Please note that you will need a .PDF reader, such as ADOBE ACROBAT or FOXIT to open the file. You can download a .PDF reader by clicking on any of the links.

Please also check out my new blog, which I update almost every day!

Cheers

I Was Once In Tears After Losing 9-1 In A Youth Football Match...

2009-11-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

I hope I never remember the 22nd of November for as long as I live. A horrible, horrible day in the history of Wigan Athletic. A 9-1 defeat at Tottenham. There, I’ve said it - and I won’t say it again.

After only trailing 1-0 at half-time we collapsed like the England Cricket team to record the worst defeat in our history and the second worst in the Premier League. It can be too easy to blame the manager, I’m a massive Roberto Martinez supporter and there’s only so much he can do whilst the match is going on. It’s up to the players to go out on the pitch and perform, the ‘performance’ yesterday was the worst I’ve ever seen.

I remember losing a football game in my youth by the same scoreline, I was so upset at the result - I just wanted to hide somewhere and never be found again. To me, some of the Latics players didn’t look too fussed, as they let Spurs trample all over them at every opportunity.

I just feel sorry for the Latics supporters who made the long trip down, thankfully the players have took some responsibility and have offered to refund every Latics supporter who went. It’s a nice gesture but to be fair - it’s the least they can do.

8 of the goals were a result of terrible defending, the other was just down to bad luck. Sometimes, it can be too easy to rip into a teams’ performance - but there shouldn’t be a hiding place for our players. It’s not just this result that is the cause of all this - it’s the inconsistency which plagues us every other game.

I just don’t understand why Latics can go out and beat Chelsea, one of the best teams in the world, but look like total amateurs against Spurs. It stinks of bad attitude, maybe some of the players have got no respect for Bob? I’m not sure. The most likely reason is that we don’t have a leader on the pitch and the communication between the players mustn’t be the best. However, these lads are professional footballers, most of them are internationals for heaven’s sake. It’s up to Bob to kick some arse now, with messers Jones and Barrow at his side - I’m sure that won’t be a problem!

Of course the muppets on the Interweb and elsewhere have been having a go, but to be fair most fans seem to feel for us. It’s the reaction of our own fans which disturbs me - we should instead be pulling rank and getting behind the manager. As I’ve said, there’s only so much he can do, but when there’s a bad result he’ll always get the flak - its bang out of order as there wasn’t anything he could have done. Our back four yesterday have been at the club for quite a while now and they are all experienced Premiership players. There’s no excuse.

It’s difficult at the moment, but we just need to bury our heads in the sand for a few days, take the insults on the chin and pick ourselves up to get behind the lads against Sunderland on Saturday. With me being me - I can’t make it as I’ll be in London – bloody typical isn’t it? I was looking forward to venting my anger at our so-called supporters who moan at every given chance!

So let’s try and forget this result and show the lads our support. I know I’ve more-or-less called their professionalism into question here, which might be a bit unfair, but lets show them (and the rest of the country) that we are proud of our club and will support it whatever happens.

Come on Latics!

P.S. To make things worse, our Goldfish died on the 22nd November 2009 as well! RIP Millie

CIN (Celebrities In Need)

2009-11-22T09:31:00.001-08:00

Is it me or is the line-up for 'Children in Need' getting worse every year? It's getting to the point now where I'll give them a couple of quid just to tell the likes of the Eastenders cast and BBC newsreaders to fuck off. You would have thought that they would provide people with proper entertainment, something they've never seen before, which will make them give money - because they enjoyed it. For some reason they just expect you to give money. I'm sorry but if you're going to do that, then don't have a telethon. Just stand outside ASDA with a money pot, I’ll gladly give some money. The idea is to entertain people, I don't want to watch some ugly bint from Eastenders murdering a classic song.

There’ll be people who’ll say, ‘well its all for charity, stop being a miserable bastard’, well surely if it’s for charity, you should be trying that little bit harder? These ‘acts’ do it for self gratification and promotion. Every one of the bastards who were on, promoted something or other. Proper acts don’t need to promote themselves, in front of the millions of x-factor-type viewers who seem to enjoy tacky and embarrassing television.

My stomach was to turn as the vastly overrated Peter Key came on, banging on about his (yet another) ‘charity’ single, by his ‘Peter Kay’s Animated All-Star Band’. Of course he had to slip in a mention of his forthcoming tour, ‘tickets are still available’, as the audience lapped him up, like a seedy businessman laps up a scantily-clad female dancer.

These ‘celebrities’ don’t do anything for nothing. While you’re sitting in a bath of baked beans or having your hair shaved off, it doesn’t mean anything because you would look like a tit. Celebrities on Children in Need may make tits of themselves, but the amount of praise and profile they get from appearing, will see them laughing all the way to the bank.

The only bit I did enjoy was the specially-made weekly program ‘Around the World in 80 Days’, which seemed to miss out most of the world! Obviously, the opportunity of a free holiday was too much of a pull for the celebrities taking part in this relay-type trip. Would this show be done better with ‘normal’ people? Perhaps parents of children who come under the remit of the Children in Need charity? They would definitely be trying that little bit harder, instead of going through the motions like the pair from ‘The Apprentice’

Here are five things I’ve learned from ‘Around the World in 80 Days’:

I would gladly punch Saira Khan in the face and not regret it

Myleene Klass is everything I thought she would be – an utter spoilt t**t. That isn’t attractive lads

Julia Bradbury is definitely a fit ‘older piece’

Matt Baker is definitely giving Julia one

Josie Lawrence gave me the biggest laugh of the series – (to Myleene) “Ooh, sit here and you can finish my burger”

Anyway, the biggest thing I’ve took away from Children in Need this year, is learning that it’s now just a vehicle for crap celebrities to try and raise their profiles, it has nothing to do with charity and entertaining people. Some of them should instead part with a tiny bit of their (unjustly earned) money instead of begging us to give ‘what we can’. How do you think people, who struggle to pay the bills each month, feel when we have someone like Robbie Williams, who signed a £80 million record deal in 2002, is begging us to give more money? Would our kids actually benefit? They don’t in Wigan, I can tell you that.CIN (Celebrities In Need)

Doctor Who - The Waters of Mars - Review

2009-11-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

If you want an example of why Doctor Who is so brilliant, check out the latest story, ‘The Waters of Mars’. This story had everything - great writing, wonderful directing, decent acting and the effects weren’t bad for something that is done on a relative shoestring. Well, it is compared to American television anyway!

I know I’m biased, but to be fair Doctor Who fans are the show’s biggest critics. At times they can be too hard on something that is just a harmless bit of fun for the family. That is the biggest aspect that makes Doctor Who as good as it is – it’s a program for everybody, not just select types of people, geeks if you will. It pulls people of all ages around the telly, in an age when watching telly as a family isn’t the done thing. An episode can easily swing from being all-out comic to heartbreakingly dark, like this one.

The Doctor (played by David Tennant) lands on Mars and goes out for a stroll, as you do, when he is quickly captured by Gadget - a ‘hilarious’ robot. It turns out that The Doctor has landed on Mars at the time of the first human colony - but he learns it’s the day that the base is destroyed - which is a famous moment in history. The Doctor realises he must get away quickly, to avoid mucking up time. Meanwhile, something seems to be infecting the water supply, something which turns people into mindless zombies who are intent on infecting everyone else, in order to get to Earth and its endless supply of water. The Doctor now knows the reason Captain Adelaide Brooke (Lindsay Duncan) blew up the base in November 2059 and went down in history.

It’s a cracking story - if you’re into disaster movies, you’ll be amazed (but not surprised) at how something like water could be so frightening. If you watch ‘Doctor Who Confidential’ (a ‘behind-the-scenes’ documentary, aired after every episode) you’ll see how much of a problem getting water to work the way they wanted, actually was! Top marks to the CGI team who did an amazing job of making a Welsh quarry look like Mars, too!

It’s an episode sprinkled with wonderful moments of conversation, metaphors and actions. A bit that I really liked was when one of the crew members, Steffi (Cosima Shaw) is trapped in a locked room, with the water about to infect her, she just switches on her screen to look at a video message from her family, for one last time. Such a horrible moment, but beautifully poetic at the same time.

David Tennant is to leave his role after the two-part Christmas story, where he will regenerate into Matt Smith. The end of this episode in particular, built up the tension of his impending exit very well, as he turned into a right bastard! Can’t say much more than that – you’ll just need to check it out for yourself. Let’s just say that if you’re a fan of the 10th Doctor - you’ll love it (maybe)!

I better end this review before gushing any more, which will end up not making any sense and you would just think I’m a ‘love-it-all fan-boy’. Well I’m not - I really dislike (most of) series 2!

Be sure to check out Tennant’s final two stories at Christmas, in the biggest extravaganza since...erm...last year! No seriously, there are a few decent actors in this one, some you’ll probably know very well!

In the meantime…don’t touch the water…not one drop!

Don't forget to check out a scene from the Christmas episode which will shown between 8-8.30pm on the Children in Need night this Friday

'The End of Time' Christmas Trailer

The Jedward Code

2009-11-09T06:18:00.001-08:00

Has the country gone mad? With me preparing for Doctor Who: The Waters of Mars, on Sunday, all I’ve been hearing about from the telly, interweb and radio is ‘Jedward this’ and ‘Jedward that’. What the fuck is a Jedward? Is it a national company that has gone bust, leaving tens of thousands of people without jobs? Is it a new life-saving drug that can cure cancer? Is it even a new Doctor Who monster that will finally take the focus away from the Daleks and the Cybermen? No, its two utter ponces who can’t sing, can’t dance but have got all the country enraptured in their antics on the X Factor

What is going on? Everybody is talking about it. I’m not even talking about on Twitter or Facebook, where everyone lives their lives nowadays. No, I mean people are actually talking about it on the streets, in the real world!

The thing is with these lads is that they are quite simply, shite. They seem to be constructed of every single thing that I absolutely detest about teenagers nowadays. Crying, hugging and holding hands (with other men) in the hope that a brainless nation doesn’t vote them off, so they can still live ‘their dream’.

They have divided the nation, as most want to hurt them with a blunt instrument, the others want them to win because their ‘so entertaining’. Since when has being rubbish been entertaining? Give it a year and these boys would be sharing the same stage as Chico (remember him? Exactly) at a Butlins holiday camp, with kids being terrified of their hair.

It’s even funnier as you hear the reactions of the X Factor ‘fans’. Some have finally cottoned on and have called the show a ‘fix’. Bloody quick on the uptake aren’t they? Basically, Simon ‘I turned down Take That and offered a record deal to 'Zig and Zag' instead’ Cowell saved the lads from the axe, after previously saying that he ‘would quit the country if they win’ and that ‘they are terrible’. Don’t they realise that the only reason most people tune in, is to watch Jedward? Cowell knows this and he made sure that he steered the lads towards a show-saving vote that they would always win.

I don’t pretend to know much about how television works but I do know that nobody tunes in to a program that doesn’t entertain them. To me though, The X Factor sums up what is wrong with modern society - tacky television, starring tacky people and made for people who don’t want to think. I suppose you can’t blame people for tuning in when they are pulled in by the corporate money-making machine. Well, I can and do!

Maybe I’m being harsh on these lads - after all they only do whatever the X Factor hierarchy tells them to do. They are the tools in the bag of Simon Cowell and ITV, in order to sell their product and they try to push it as far as they can. That is the biggest problem with television nowadays – it’s not about entertainment, educating and inspiring people – it’s about money. Yes ITV is a comerical network, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they need to cutback on good drama programs to make way for reality shows. Television plays a big part in people's lives and they do get influenced by it. ITV have a duty to provide programming that will stimulate people, not turn them into mindless zombies, munching popcorn and screaming at the telly when some spiky-haired Irish lads, called John and Edward, go through.

As I’ve already mentioned, these lads won’t be around in years to come, their self-life will expire when people get bored. People will say ‘well at least they’ve lived their dream’, if going from a lucrative record contract to performing in front of a handful of people, at a windswept holiday camp, is their idea of a ‘dream’ - I’d be very surprised.

I really do hope that Jedward win, if only to bring people to their senses about television like this. Reality TV isn’t real at all – it’s as scripted as any other television drama. In fact, Doctor Who is probably more true-to-life!

A Proper Pub

2009-10-13T06:41:00.000-07:00

What makes a 'proper pub'?

A pint for the men
…a glass of wine or half glasses for the ladies

A fine selection of Real Ales
...and only three Lagers on tap

No WKD’s, Smirnoff’s or Reef’s
…just psychedelic mild that gives you a far better high than any drug can

A busty barmaid
…who is old enough to be your mam

Everybody is friendly and always up for a chat
…even if you gave them a slap five minutes earlier

Chats about life, politics and pets
...from the comfort of a barstool, as you prop up the bar

Owd blokes who have their own stool at the bar
…and their own tankards hanged up

The only food that's served are pies, crisps and pork scratchings
…which are always out of date

The stench of sweat, flat ale and tobacco get up your nose
…despite there being a smoking ban

Toilets that tell you that they are for ‘Ladies’ and ‘Gentleman’
…and smelling like someone’s done ‘their business’ in a bucket and left it there to rot

Betting slips lie crumbled and torn
…as nobody ever wins

No tracksuits, baseball caps or scruffy bastards
…everyone has their own style

A resident pub dog that always jumps on you and licks your face
…a resident pub dog, albeit a female humanoid, that always jumps on you and licks your face

Anyone under 18 isn’t checked for ID
…but asked if they’re old enough anyway

An old couple in the corner, drinking havles of brown ale and talking about the past
…a young couple, drinking bitter and wine and talking about the future

No telly’s showing sport, reality TV or gameshows
…just the chatter of good friends about sport, life and how bingo is fixed

Karaoke on a Friday neet
…that lasts five minutes before everyone gets sick of it and starts throwing glasses

An old dusty piano that sits in the corner
…that nobody can play

Christmas decorations that litter the ceiling
...in July

No need for quiz and jukebox machines
..as a game of cards, dominoes (never for money) and a good old drunken sing-song will suffice

No trouble, fights or crossed words
…just take it outside

For this is a pub, a proper pub.

Shame their all dying.

Chelsea Dagger

2009-09-29T15:28:00.000-07:00

If you told me when Latics got promoted to the Premiership in 2005, that it would take us 35 attempts to beat one of the so-called ‘Big Four’ I would have said ‘Bollocks, we won’t get to play them 35 times!’ But we have and finally at the 35th attempt we beat one of them, as we ended Chelsea's 100% record and knocked them off the top of the table, whilst climbing into the top half ourselves. Every Latics fan has described it as a 'joy to watch' and hopefully this result will attract more Wiganers to the DW Stadium

Titus Bramble, Hugo Rodallega and Paul Scharner scored the goals in an historic win, but to be fair it’s hard to pick out an individual performance, as all the players worked hard across the pitch to grab our first win against one of the best sides in Europe. One player I have been impressed with however, is Hendry Thomas. He seems to be very much like the departed Lee Cattermole, but better on the ball and a lot quicker.

Of course some deluded muppets are coming out with ‘we should be beating lesser teams like Wigan’ and ‘the ref is a cheat’. But to be fair to the lot from West London, the moaners have been in a minority and the rest have been gracious and admitted Latics had outplayed them and deserved to win. Bloody hell, what’s going on? We beat a top four side, the ref gives us a penalty, sends off their keeper and we’re getting praise all round! It’s crazy but very welcome!

All credit must go to Roberto Martinez, as his team has finally shown what he’s been talking about all summer. We’ve had a tough few games - being beaten 5-0 by Man Utd and 4-0 by Arsenal, but who really expected us to win them games? We’ve played 7 games and 5 of those have been against teams that finished in the top 6 last season. We’re 3 points better off than from what most people expect us to be and we’re only a win or two away from breaking into the top 6 ourselves.

Our style of play has changed and so has our squad. It takes time to get everything settled and even Bob admits everything still isn’t 100%. Can you imagine us when we do hit top gear? Blimey, I can’t wait!

I was ashamed to read that some of our very own Interweb warriors were calling for Bob’s head a few weeks ago, something which was totally bang out of order and just plain stupid. Thankfully these snakes seemed to have slithered off and hopefully the proper fans will get behind the lads as we travel to Hull next week.

Up the Latics!

Taken from my personal blog - Sex and the Mudhuts

Runaway Sol (Again)

2009-09-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

So Sol Campbell has buggered off from Notts County after just 1 match, so why are people surprised? This is the man that was so ‘depressed’ and ‘under pressure’ that he walked out at half time during a match, whilst playing for Arsenal. Now he might well have felt those things but you lose all sympathy when the man is paid £80,000 a week to play football. God knows how he’ll get on working a proper job, with debts to pay, like so many of his fans do.

I used to like Sol. I remember him playing so well in an England shirt, particularly his joyous reaction when he scored against Argentina in the 1998 World Cup, only for his goal to be disallowed. He was the rock at the back every team should have and he was good at it.

Notts County have recently been taken over by an ambitious Arab who wants to get them into the Premier League within five years. They’ve spent quite a bit of money on players, upgrading the training ground and employing former England manager, Sven Goran-Eriksson as director of football. Campbell was brought to the club not long after and signed a FIVE YEAR CONTACT.

Campbell has sighted the fact that the reason he left was that the club ‘didn’t fit in with his plans’, despite giving interviews on how he was really happy with the set up and that ‘he was in it for the long run’, just weeks earlier.

Now, either something dodgy is going on or Campbell is an unprofessional prima-donna, who just didn't fancy turning out in League 2 in front of 3,000 people. I’m going for the latter. The man is 35 now and still believes he can play for England. He’s turned his back on a lucrative contract that could have seen him playing in the Premiership at an age where most players have long since retired.

Furthermore, he can’t play for a club until January now, so maybe he should have stuck it out until then? A few months without training could catch up with him and at his age, I’d be surprised if the ‘top club’ he craves will come in for him.

Well done Sol, you’ve shown that footballers are as stupid as they look.

Interweb Wars!

2009-09-21T04:11:00.000-07:00

The Interweb – don’t you just love it? For every great innovation such as the BBC I Player, Twitter, YouTube and er Wikipedia, there’s always elements which will undoubtedly get on your bastard nerves. And surprise, surprise – for me its football!

In an age were we are able to get almost any piece of information we want, there are still people who find hiding behind a false and ‘wacky’ username, typing abuse to people they don’t even know, a lot of fun.

It has provided a breeding ground for a new generation of ‘soccer’ fans, or muppets as I like to call them. Give them a keyboard and all of sudden they’re a 'superfan' who knows more than anyone else, despite never going to any games in their entire lives. Not that I’m saying only match-going fans should only be allowed to post their views, because that is what the internet is about, an open forum for everyone. But shouting people down and abusing them for their lack of knowledge isn’t what participating in a forum should be about. And don’t even hope for any intelligent debate - almost everything spills out into a pointless argument!

All this comes hot on the heels of the latest Latics mauling, at the hands of Arsenal – who seem to have more foreign fans attending their games than English people. That’s not strictly a bad thing, at least they actually turn up! But after the 4-0 defeat many of our ‘Keyboard Warriors’ were out in force calling for the head of Roberto Martinez after just six games. That’s right – SIX GAMES!

It’s not as if we’re in any danger at the moment, we’ve got six points which many fans expected us to have at this stage. We’ve got Chelsea next, so that’ll be us playing 3 Champions League teams in 7 games. Yes the results have been bad but we’ve got a virtually new team that will take time to gel. Don’t forget, not many of our players have even played in England before, let alone in Bob’s system!

The abuse he has received on message boards is bang out of order and bordering on the ridiculous. Someone once said that bringing back former players as a manager would endanger their hero status at the club. Well I very much doubt that those who are sat behind their made-up usernames were even there when Bob ran the Latics midfield. If they were, then they’ll know this man has more class in him than any manager we’ve had for quite a while.

Anyone who knows anything about football will look at Latics and see how much Bob promotes the club in interviews. He believes in creating a good spirit amongst everyone involved with Wigan Athletic – the players, the staff, the fans, even the town. I can’t remember a Latics manager who has done this kind of thing before, Paul Jewell just plain criticised the crowd instead of encouraging us - and that could be the difference in the end. It’s just a shame our new-found fans don’t appreciate it.

I’d wager that if Steve Bruce was still in charge, I’d doubt anyone would worry about the results. Come back after 15 games and see were we are and how well we’re playing. Bob’ll get it reet!

In the meantime I would encourage you NOT to start any intelligent conversations or debates on forums as you will be abused and given more crap than a portaloo! Remember, internet forums are designed to let insecure people to hide behind a false name in order to bully people, tell lies and to show off. (Very much like Alex Ferguson then!)

I'm Back (with a bit of justice)

2009-09-10T07:19:00.000-07:00

After a pleasant two day stay in a Manchester hospital and general lazing about the house for the last few weeks, I’m back to write more bollocks this side of the Wigan Observer and Geoffrey Shryane.

I was in hospital to have an eye operation which went well, thanks for being concerned you set of bastards! With no television, radio, newspapers or fit nurses, if anyone complains about prisons being like ‘hell’, I will personally smash their face in (not with a paving slab mind). At least you can play pool in prisons!

On that subject can I just sign off by saying how much I’m looking forward to Michael Shields: The Movie, his new reality show and book deal.

If he thought prison was ‘hell’, he’ll probably commit suicide if he stayed in the same ward I did! Not that I’m complaining about it, the staff were top class and a credit to the NHS. So cheers!

Two Football Games - For £5

2009-08-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

...and you can’t even get a pint and a packet of crisps in London for that, believe me I know! It’s great to see football back, it’s going to be another turbulent nine months but I love it all the same!

Roberto Martinez made the perfect start at the DW (Doctor Who) Stadium as Latics managed to get the better of Scottish side, St. Mirren, to win 3-1. Only a fiver entry for Bob’s return and the chance to see how the squad was taking shape was too tempting for me. What else would I have done otherwise?

Latics started well but for me they passed the ball around a little too much, I’m more of a ‘pass it to the wingers and let them take on the fullbacks’ type of person. But Bob’s style of play is certainly an improvement from Steve Bruce – at least we’re capable of keeping hold of the ball!

Jason Koumas scored a great free-kick to get Latics going, hopefully this will see a revival in his Latics career - he’s been cracking in pre-son by all accounts. However the lead didn’t last long, Emmerson Boyce slipped over and Craig Dargo nipped in to put the ball past Kirkland, via a deflection off Titus Bramble.

Our normally solid defence was looking a little shaky, even though we kept the ball for long periods, the players kept making mistakes and you’ve got to wonder what Premiership teams would do to us if we constantly make mistakes and misplace key passes.

The second half was a lot better, as Latics dominated the play. I had some fun with the bloke in front of, a 60-something replica top-wearing mush who kept getting a little bit too excited. Fair play to him though, at least he got behind the team and cheered with all us when the rugby score (they lost) was flashed on the scoreboard!

Latics managed to sew the game up as Rodegella scored from another free-kick and Melchiot scored a blinding overhead kick from a corner. Latics scoring from set pieces? Yes – you’ve read it right! Although one thing I was disappointed with was that players seemed reluctant to shoot from distance when they had a couple of great opportunities. I just hope we don’t go ‘all Arsenal’ and try to pass the ball in the back of net – because we’re not good enough to do that!

It was a decent game and the team looks in decent shape. It should be interesting to see what line-up Bob goes with against Villa, especially with rumours flying around that we’re about to sign two more players. I think this is the biggest squad we’ve ever had and with such a tight get like Whelan as chairman, I’m really surprised we haven’t sold more players.

So expect 10 to leave during the coming week!

Rewind to Tuesday night and I was pleasantly surprised to find that the Wigan Robin Park vs. Skemersdale United match was free entry at the Stadio Robin Park Arena. Great stuff but the match was even better! The Robins came out with an excellent 2-1 win against a side two divisions above them. To be fair, the Unibond North side did show some quality at times but some dogged defending and a Chris McNally brace, ensured a great win for the Robins.

It was end-to-end at times, as both sides had spells where they dominated the play. Wigan went ahead after about 75 minutes, as McNally reacted quickest to a free-kick that came off the post. Skem came back strong, as another free-kick led to a Skem player nodding his side level. The Robins fans were gutted, after all there was only a few minutes left. However, the Wigan contingent went home happy as McNally found himself clear of the Skem defence and slotted the ball in. Get in there!

Quite ironically, if former Latics Chairman, Bill Kenyon, had his way – then Robin Park would have been playing what was the former Wigan Athletic. Thankfully Kenyon’s plan to move Latics to Skem didn’t happen and the rest they say is history.

So two good wins for both Wigan sides as the season gets started. The Robins opened their campaign with a 0-0 draw at Leek CSOB, whilst Latics get underway against Aston Villa next week.

And I would take another 0-0 draw, I doubt it will finish like that though!

The Yoof of Today

2009-07-28T20:14:00.000-07:00

Crewe Alexandra 1 - 0 Wigan Athletic
Thursday 16th July
Pre-Season Friendly
Gresty Road, Attendance: 2063

Roberto Martinez’s first game in charge of Latics didn’t go to plan but as usual – ‘it was a cracking day out, spoiled by the football!’ Okay, so this match was actually played at night, so it was technically a ‘night out’ but there’s no need to stand in the way of an age-old sentence quoted by many Wigan Athletic fans’ down the years!

Crewe’s Gresty Road (or is it Alexandra Stadium?) was the venue and the train was the mode of transport. Crewe is great for trains, as well as being the ‘gateway for trains going north and south’ its also right next to Gresty Road, well that’s what everyone said anyway – its actually a two minute walk further up the street and round the corner!

After a quick livener in The Swan and Railway (quick as in five minutes) its on the choo-choo with what seems like the majority of Latics’ ‘Yoof’ (or ‘teenage fans’ if you’re posh!). There doesn’t seem to be an item of decent clothing or brain cell between them and I feared this would cause me problems later on – and it did.

I somehow managed to avoid paying on the journey (which I believe some people call ‘Jibbing’) not on purpose mind, its not like I didn’t have the money but my defence for this is that I’m off to London tomorrow morning, so Virgin Trains would be getting/robbing a lot more money off me than a poxy £8 to Crewe (I have a railcard, which I paid for before anyone starts!) About half-an-hour after boarding the train, I was enjoying my first beer in Crewe, the ‘Corner Bar’ pub was the host and it looked in fine shape for a pub close to a football ground. Wonder how last that’ll last for?

It was then on to the ground, where I accidently ran into a crowd of the Yoof who were labelling the ground ‘crap’ and ‘not a patch on the JJB’. Two very incorrect statements as grounds like Gresty Road are what football is about, not bloody overpriced and overrated Premier League ‘arenas’ as they are now referred to. God knows what these kids would say if we visit a ground with terracing!

And that is what pisses me off about some of our ‘new’ fans – they don’t have a clue/can’t be arsed to learn our history because contrary to what some other Premier League, armchair fans or ‘Interweb Warrior’ tell you, we DO have one. That’s what I find fascinating about things that I attach myself to. Be it a football club, a person or anything else, I love going back and seeing how something was created and what it went through to be as it is now. Some make fascinating reading, some don’t.

But I tell you what – A club born in 1932, which has to put up with everthing from money troubles, prejustice, sly jibes and perceived lack of support to the top flight club they are today, is what I call having a GREAT HISTORY. Far better than staying in the top division for 100 years and not achieving very much! The saying always goes – ‘only those that have been disappointed will truly appreciate success’. And believe me, Latics have had many ‘disappointments’ over the years!

So back to the match itself, which on viewing the first half - wasn’t really a match! Crewe simply outplayed a Latics side, including Kirkland, Bramble, Scharner, Watson, Kapo and de Ridder. They had the most chances and it was no real surprise as Joel Grant turned in a rebound after Chris Kirkland had saved the striker’s first attempt. Latics’ rallied towards the end of the half but didn’t really create anything of note.

The entire team was changed in the second half, Pollitt, Melchiot, Boyce, Koumas, Brown and debutant Jordi Gomez (or ‘Geordie’ as the idiot Yoof’s were incorrectly calling him) were all brought on and we looked a bit better. It’s worth noting that we didn’t have a recognised striker in the whole squad (okay, maybe Kapo can play there but the man’s not even a footballer to be fair!). I believe young Polish midfield starlets, Tomaz Cywka and Tomaz Kupiz both played upfront on their own.

We pressed Crewe for most of the second half, with their only chance going through a Anthony Elding effort that Pollitt superbly tipped over. It was mostly Latics though, with Koumas showing some of the potential which we know he’s got but have very rarely seen, at least under Steve Bruce. It was Koumas that came mightily close towards the end with a free-kick that just whistled past the post, as most Latics fans’ (and the steward behind me) thought was in. Melchiot also went on a mazy run, beating about four players before his shot cannoned off the post. It just wasn’t going in and Crewe earned a well-deserved friendly win.

Obviously I was a bit disappointed - we had been beaten by a League 2 side after all but looking back, if we had any forwards on the pitch, I’m sure we would have probably won the match. We seemed to have long periods were we kept the ball but there was nobody able to hold it up. Hopefully the incoming Jason Scotland will be able to repeat his goal record he had under Martinez at Swansea. But praise where praise is due - Crewe deserved their win and I can see them being involved in the promotion race at the end of the season. They looked very sharp but that’s no surprise, seeing as they had been back in training for a few weeks whereas we had been back barely a week.

So after spending the entire match surrounded by the Yoof, who despite their shortcomings, were in good singing voice (but sang some of the songs wrong), I escaped to have a couple of more pints in a couple more Crewe hostelries. I popped into ‘The Last Orders’ which wasn’t like Wigan’s version at all, which is a welcome change. Although they had the karaoke on and some Disco Dave was singing ‘The Killers’ I resisted the temptation of throwing my glass at him! Later I popped into The British Lion (not literally, I’m against bestiality in any form – it was a pub!) before getting the train home with the Yoof, who had been at the station all the time, under the watchful eye of the local constabulary.

And can anyone tell me why there were police at the match? It was a friendly, watched by barely three thousand people, so why the need? I can just about understand them being at the train station (well Transport Police certainly, not the Cheshire Constabulary who were holding back the Yoof) but at the ground, it’s totally unnecessary.

The journey back wasn’t great as the Yoof decided to shout at a girl to ‘get her t*ts out, which wasn’t right, seeing as many of the Yoof had never seen a pair, this side of being breastfed. It’s funny once but constantly singing it again and again to just one girl on her own is bang out or order. I believe she scuttled off to another carriage, probably in fear of being mauled by the pre-pubescent teens. They have absolutely no style or class whatsoever and the worse thing is they are representing Wigan.

The train arrives back and I’m relieved to be back and head off to the Boulevard for a few pints, but not before hearing the line of the day from one of the terrible teens who was talking to his mate; ‘Nah, me mam’s picking me up’ - sums it all up really!

The rest of the night is a blur as I have a few in the Boulevard before stumbling somewhere else and then to a kebab shop, where I chat with a nice girl, who wants me to be her ‘friend’ on Facebook. I’m still waiting for the friend request. Later I would stumble into somewhere else but can’t remember much, all this and I had to be up early to go to London in the morning!

So a great start to the season then!

A Night Out - With Disco Dave

2009-07-10T17:19:00.000-07:00

I take a dim view of binge drinking (or as I call it, ‘Them Fairies Who Can’t Handle Their Drink’), so I've got a 20-something outgoing lad to record what happens during a typical night out - introducing DISCO DAVE.

Hi guys! My name is Dave and I’m to keep an account of my night out this Saturday, so enjoy!

Friday 5.00PM. After finally finishing my shift at ‘A. Marcos shoe shop’ I have a quick WKD with my work mates. I get a lot of hassle, because the shoe shop sells just women’s shoes. My family thinks I’m a gay, but I’m 24, outgoing and I’ve slept with two women!

6.30PM. After saying goodbye to Vicki, Lisa and Jane (really would love to get into her knickers!), I get the bus home, there’s some women with the biggest tash I’ve ever seen, but I ‘would’. Get home and text Mick and Javier, their well up for tomorrow.

9.00PM. After having a nice long soak in the bath, I watch Emmerdale, Corrie & Eastenders, but s**t I didn’t set the recorder for Home & Away, Neighbours and Hollioaks. BO***CKS. Anyway, after seeing the torment that little Ben Mitchell was going through, I decide to dry my eyes and go to bed - early start in the morn.

Saturday 12.00PM. After getting up early, I have a quick wash and put on my best loafers and jumper and head off into town to do some shopping. I get myself a nice Orlando Richards shirt (£101 – a bargain!) and a Jason Grimshaw pair of jeans – they’re well cool. Also buy new bottles of self tan (Dale Winton range), shampoo, conditioner and hair wax. I was going to go to the hairdressers, but I think my roots are okay – for now. I have a WKD and a burger and chips in Wetherspoons and head off home.

3.00PM. After unpacking my things, there’s not a lot on, so I catch up with Scoob and the gang on Boomerang. Then I have a quick nap.

7.00OPM. I’m woke by my phone going off, Mick said him and Javier are meeting at the Wetherspoons at 9.30, S**T, I’ve only got 2hrs 30mins! Best book a Taxi for 9.

9.00PM. After a quick shower, I realise that I’ve got just 1hr 30mins to go, so I slap on the stuff I bought today and my new clobber looks ace! The taxi arrives a minute late, they just can’t get it right can they?

9.20PM. Meet the boys in the pub, have a quick laugh and a joke, get a few WKD’s down, I also attempt to drink a Foster Ice, but that beer’s s**t, man! Also spot Jane and her mates, they’re off to Alonso’s later. That’s a great club btw, wall to wall crumpet!

10.30PM. We move on to Barry’s Bar, I don’t usually go in here, its usually full of drunks, but we couldn’t resist the music, DJ T. Osser is on, and he’s ace! After a quick dance/grope with some random bird, I’m told to f**k off by some guy wearing a leather jacket, what’s that all about then?

12.00AM. After a quick pit stop at Kabba Dabba Doo, where I buy a 12’ donner and chips, we head to Tom’s Cocktail Bar. I get a Chocolate WKD with vodka and rum, its brill! Plenty of women, but we’re too busy male bonding, by taking it in turns to chat up the fit barmaid.

1.30AM. We head to Alonso’s and get in with no probs, usually I get ask for ID in here, BOUNS! Spot Jane and her mates and have a chat with her. Its all going well and I take her smile as a sign. So just seconds after putting my hand up her skirt, I’m grabbed by two big hairy blokes wearing dark clothes and chucked out head first into the street. Everyone’s laughing at me, my mates, Jane, her mates, the blokes. One of bloke’s kicks me and say’s something like ‘that’s my fudding bird’.

3.03AM. Dazed and confused, I head to Beaver to drown my sorrows, I’m hurt, wet, sad and, of course, drunk. Anyway here’s to you, cheers. :-(

Sunday 11.00AM. I wake up, but my eyes are hurting me. When I do open them, I can’t see nothing but black hair. I push up my head and I realise that I’m stuck in between some bird who, seriously, looks like a bear. I say morning to her, and figured, ‘what the hell’ and manage to do it one more time. I didn’t respond to her chat, apparently her name’s Claire, and she leaves.

1.00PM. After grabbing a shower, I ring up them two p***ks, to gloat about my night of passion, there’re well annoyed, serves them right!

Overall it wasn’t the perfect weekend, but at least I 'got some'. She left me her number, so what do you think I should do? Let me know and thanks for reading!

'Punk Football' By Andrew Vaughan - Review

2009-07-08T19:51:00.000-07:00

According to The Clash, there was “No Elvis, Beatles or The Rolling Stones in 1977.” Maybe not – but there was a Silver Jubilee, The Sex Pistols, Rock Against Racism, Buzzcocks, Pigeon wars, Space Invaders, Bluto’s and Wigan Athletic’s final season as a non-league football club.

PUNK FOOTBALL by Andrew Vaughan was released in 2007 and is a must read for any Latics fan, old or new. ‘Vaughanie’ is a local writer who set up the ‘Cockney Latic’ newsletter and later a fanzine (of which I have many copies of, clogging up my shelf’s somewhere!). Later he was to set up the ‘Mudhuts Media’ website, which brings together all sorts of talents to produce a number of Wigan-related magazines and media, both electronic and on paper!

The book itself is written from the view of an 18-year old Vaughanie in what was to be Wigan Athletic’s last season as a non-league club. That season, 1977/78, was also the height of the (in)famous punk music scene. Needless to say the book is a treat! As a fan of a couple of punk bands, beer, birds and that game which involves kicking a ball around, I could (sort of) relate to it, 30 years on!

Playing in the Northern Premier League, Wigan Athletic were considered to be one of best non-league teams in the country. After a disappointing season in 1976/77, the Football League looked a million miles away, especially after Wigan were criminally denied a place in Division Four in 1971. That was all to change in just 12 months.

The book is like stepping into David Tennant’s TARDIS in 2007 and getting out of Tom Baker’s in 1977. The book transports you back in time with ease, its so good that people from Burnley will think its describing modern day life!

As I wasn’t born during the events described in the book, I’m always interested in finding out what the world was like, especially Wigan, when members of my family were young(er). Needless to say the book meets that requirement easily! From pissed up Rugby players, late licences, bricks
being thrown at coaches, green goddesses, people looking like they got dressed in the dark…okay its not that different from today but I’m sure you get my drift!

But what I get most from the book is Vaughanie’s passion for music. From writing with fond affection about his favourite bands and singers, seeing gigs in the Wigan Casino, Manchester, Liverpool and London. To spending his last penny of his weeks wage on records, taking them home and listening to them for weeks on end. It’s a testament to his taste in music, as you always hear bands such as The Clash, Sex Pistols, Buzzcocks, The Jam (and many more), in the pubs and clubs today. I’ll wager that nobody will be playing the ‘power pop’ of bands like ‘McFly’ in 30 years time!

The book also contains interviews with a couple of local DJ’s, promoters and of course, some of the players from 1977/78. With some cracking stories from the Wigan Observer and various other people. They are done superbly and they really add another dimension to the book, making it not as self-opinionated as my efforts in here!

But seriously, if you’ve got a tenner spare - buy the book – its well worth a read! Even if you’re not a big football or music fan - the book paints a picture of a country not lost in the PC madness we have to endure today.

You can order the book from Mudhuts Media, by visiting their website at http://www.mudhutsmedia.co.uk/

Follow Me (Not Like Kevin Segdewick)

2009-07-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided to ‘get wired’ by using Twitter. I don’t know why, I’m not really a fan of this ‘Social Networking’ shite, but it does allow you to be a bit nosy I suppose!

If you’ve got a Twitter account then please feel free to follow me at http://twitter.com/dannydogsniper or alternatively, click ‘follow me’ which is situated below my updates on the right of this page.

Cheers!

P.S For those who don't know, here's a bit about the infamous Wiganer Kevin Sedgwick.

The Office of Death

2009-07-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

They say office jobs are cosy but looking around a typical office the hooligan inside me can see the damage that an ordinary piece of stationary can cause. And that’s not a hooligan who wears bad clothes and speaks with a South London accent either!

So if some coffee-supping dickhead gets on your wazzock, here’s a number of things you can inflict on them.

The Stapler – Depends what size, the bigger the better I suppose. The beauty of a stapler is that it is handheld and easy to conceal, unless you’ve got hold of an industrial stapler which will make you one evil bastard! The best place to staple is normally the face but it doesn’t really matter as most staplers are pretty versatile. Rating – 8/10

Scissors – Quite easy to figure out how to use, as most of today’s cowardly, bed-wetting gangs (or ‘crews’ as they like to call themselves) use scissors, hence there’s no class in using these on some daft bollocks in the office. And having class is everything. Rating – 5/10

Photocopier – I love this method. You can physically assault them using the lid of the photocopier and take a picture at the same time. So you can extract revenge and take home a souvenir of the bastard’s bloodied face. You’ll feel very much like a photo-booth operator at a theme park ride. Rating – 9/10

Water Cooler – This is ‘Wigan Water Torture’ at its best. Just shove your enemies head into an empty water cooler and fill it up. The knob won’t drown, they’ll just get poisoned by the polluted water which we are scandalously made to pay over-the-odds for. Rating – 6/10

Office Door – Bit of an obvious one but you can really take advantage of these new modern doors, which seem heavier but easy to break into for some reason. It’s also a great way to avoid any retribution as you could palm it off by saying ‘it was an accident’, but why you wouldn’t want to celebrate hacking off a limb, from a person who you hate, is beyond me. Rating – 8/10

The Phone – This is a bit of retro-violence but it’s ideal if you’re alone with your nemeses, so nobody can see you cave their head in. It’s a bit risky but if you’ve got nothing to lose then go for it. It’s a widely used technique in the city, apparently. Rating – 7/10

Shredder – No not the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ mortal enemy, I mean an actual paper shredder which apart from inflicting excruciating pain on your target, will also make you an hero, let me explain. Basically, all you have to do is to (sneakily) put the person’s tie/blouse into the shredder and when they scream for help, make it look like you’re trying to help them. This will give you the chance to smash their face into the desk a few times, under the pretence of ‘I’m trying to get them out’. You can also let them asphyxiate for a bit and/or feel them up. Make sure you do eventually pull them out, so you can claim your praise around the office for saving the wanker’s life. Rating - 10/10

Filling Cabinet/Cupboard – This is more of a ‘holding technique’, so you can spend some time deciding what do with them (using the above methods) when everyone has gone. Just make sure you don’t imprison them in a wardrobe – knowing your luck they’ll escape to Narnia or summat!

Sack and Bag – A bit of an extra activity here, if you’ve somehow managed to hack off two or more limbs, you filthy beast! Make sure the post sack is clearly addressed to Andy Burnham before cramming it with the various body parts. Don’t forget to nick their wallet/purse.

Please note that I don’t take any responsibility if you carry out any of these actions, although I would be willing to provide you with an alibi if the bung is large enough.

Luis Signs On At Trademark!

2009-07-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

My best wishes go to Luis Antonio Valencia who has signed for Manchester United™ for an ‘undisclosed fee’ (about £16 million!). ‘LAV’ was a great player for Latics, his pace and creativity causing many a side a problem during his 3 years with the club. He also had the ability to ‘get stuck in’ which is a rare quality in such a player, in these modern times.

Paul Jewell (or if you believe what the press say, Steve Bruce) ‘unearthed’ Luis after watching him play for Ecuador in the 2006 World Cup, where they were knocked out by a lacksure England side in the second round.

I remember being away at a college at the time and reading in the paper about how we signed him, I was excited as I had seen him take the piss out of Ashley Cole (not that difficult really) at the World Cup. I showed a mate (a Liverpool fan from er Stevenage!) and he didn’t have a clue who he was. And I thought ‘true football fans’ are really knowledgeable about the game? Needless to say, he’ll know who he is now!

I’m a bit saddened in a way that he has gone to Trademark United, a club who I have come to hate more than anyone else last season. Some of you may think I’m jealous, well I’m not. I’ll tell you a bit about myself – I used to ‘support’ United. That’s right, that great team of Robson and Hughes etc not girly prima donnas like Ronaldo or Rooney, by the way. Sorry, I digressed for a minute there!

All this quickly changed when my Dad took me to see Latics play Lincoln City at Springfield Park in Division 3. I was instantly hooked on Latics. Within a few months I got rid of my Man United shirts and squealed with delight when my Dad bought me my first Latics top. You see, I don’t care what division my team is in, they are MY team and being a Wiganer, I belong to them and they belong to me. That is what supporting a football club is all about. Manchester United™ are just a business, a fashion accessory, they don’t need you as there will be plenty more deluded muppets to take your place. SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL CLUB!

With Latics getting ‘bigger’ in the time I’ve supported them, I’ve had to endure people who didn’t give a toss when we were in the lower leagues now swanning around in replica tops, talking shite about the club. But the fact still remains that Wigan Athletic are still a club for local people. You are likely to see your mates, people who live down the street from you or birds you are trying to avoid (not in my case, obviously) at the match, can you say that about these BIG clubs? I think the thing we have at Latics is a refreshing change to the ‘norm’, which is a big surprise coming from a town that is losing its own unique identify by every passing year.

Anyway, this is supposed to be about the Ecuadorian Michael Jackson (whoops), so good luck to the lad and I hope he keeps on improving (except against us!) His comments about how he owes Wigan everything and his thanks to the fans who supported him are very welcome (and a nice change, I wonder if a certain delusional Austrian centre-half will say the same things?), so respect to the guy!

I can’t finish this without a comment about the United fans (well those on the interweb anyway!) who are angry because he ‘isn’t a big name signing’. It just shows that these pricks know absolutely nothing about football. Cristiano Ronaldo was a HUGE name when he arrived from Sporting Lisbon wasn’t he? Twats.

Anyway, back to the DW (40) Stadium and we’ve signed a player who we wanted to sign last year – Honduran midfielder, Hendry Thomas. Thanks to work permit regulations (we let in asylum seekers who we know nothing about and yet refuse to let in footballers who will be paying a lot of tax - I don’t get it?) we couldn’t sign him because he hadn’t ‘played enough international games’. Thankfully he has now, so we’ll see whether or not he’s better than Wilson Palacios, because that’s what we’ve been told by ‘people in the know’!

Hendry joins Jordi Gomez in ‘the arrivals lounge’ (© Wigan Evening Rugby Post) as Bob Martinez continues to build his squad. I get the sneaking suspicion that we’re going to be playing 4-5-1 next season, I’m more of a 4-4-2 man myself and I don’t think that a five man midfield produces ‘attacking football’ as well. So we’ll see whether the man who has been in professional football all his working life is a better tactician than me, who can hardly direct myself home after a few pints, never mind a football team!

The Boy Who Never Grew Up

2009-06-27T06:30:00.000-07:00

It can be so easy to write an half-arsed and ill-informed article about the much-maligned but musically-brilliant Michael Jackson, so I’ll try to keep it brief and to the point. Plus I don’t have anything new to add, as everybody has had their say.

True, the man changed the face of music. From a little 8-year old black lad from a small town in America, (which at the time was still racially segregated) to the world’s biggest star in the 80’s and early 90’s and then his demise from then on. It’s been a quite eventual 50 years but I think it’s fair to say that Jackson never had a chance to grow up. A child star aged 50 is the best way to describe him.

His career started with ‘The Jackson 5’ (later ‘The Jacksons’) before he revolutionised 80’s pop and arguably invented a new sound. His music has influenced many artists and the video for ‘Thriller’ is one of the most memorable of all time. He had everything he could have dreamt of, so where did all go wrong?

Throughout his life, he’s been badly advised and managed, which saw his career come to a shuddering halt. Debts, skin grafts and child abuse cases will sadly maim the memory of the ‘King of Pop’. Anyone who now thinks of Michael Jackson won’t think of that bouncy little lad who sung ‘Rockin’ Robin’ but of the weirdo who spent too much time with monkeys and children. Which is probably the biggest shame in this story – some people won’t remember him for his music at all.

For me I’ll always remember the 1996 Brit Awards when Jackson himself was starting to unravel (both physically and mentally, it has to be said) but he was still the world’s biggest star. He’d thought that his performance of ‘Earth Song’ would go down well. But after rumours about his act, where Jackson would try to portray ‘Jesus’, with children (and a Rabbi, quite bizarrely) all around him and almost worshipping him, it all got a bit much for a few of the other artists, who thought this was bang out of order. It took Pulp’s Jarvis Cocker to run on stage and take the piss, to make people see what a farce it was. Jackson would never really be held in the same esteem in the UK ever again. You can watch the video below and to me, it was well out of order.

Regardless of his shortcomings, I salute Michael Jackson for his music but as a man he was utterly bizarre and I don’t think he even knew what he was doing. We can talk about him all we want but nobody will know the truth about the boy who never grew up.

1996 Brit Awards

Thriller Video 1983 (sadly I can't post the full version as YouTube has blocked many music videos from being shown in the UK)

Billy Jean Video (1983)

The Jackson 5 - Blame It On The Boogie

Summer Sporting Round-Up, with a £80 Million Fairy

2009-06-24T16:53:00.001-07:00

It’s already been a funny old summer in the world of sport, so I’ll try to keep it brief, as I’m in no doubt that there’ll be more big things happening in the next few weeks.

Let’s start in the world of football, a subject I very rarely (!!!) cover. Everyone seems to have a comment about Cristiano Ronaldo's £80 million transfer to Royal Madrid (that’s what Real Madrid is in English). I too have a few words for the man who sums up modern day football – good riddance. Great player he may be but has there been anyone who has infuriated so many opposition teams, players and fans, so much? His cheating and moaning at everything, as well as his, ahem, ‘feminine’ behaviour, meant that he was a popular figure for abuse. In fact that’s the only thing I’ll miss about him, the chance to hurl abuse at the bastard!

Is any footballer worth £80 million? Not on your life! In an era where many football clubs (and many other businesses) are going bust over the relatively paltry sum of hundreds of thousands of pounds, it really does sum up the reality of today’s game.

Anyway here are five ‘Ronaldo moments’

Crying his head off when Portugal lost against Greece in the Euro 2004 final.

Latics defender Arjan De Zeeuw kicking him into the West Stand at the JJB in 2006.

Getting his Man Utd teammate, Wayne Rooney sent off at the 2006 World Cup.

Crashing his Ferrari and not giving a toss after writing it off. He can afford it afterall.
Latics fans baiting him, summed up with a chant of ‘He’s gonna cry in a minute’ after he handed in yet another anonymous display, during which he constantly moaned at the referee. £80 million, my arse!

Setanta could have done with a bit of that transfer fee, as at the time of writing they have gone into administration and taken off air. Last week, they failed to pay the money that they owed to the Premier League for next season’s games and lost them to ESPN. Thankfully, this isn’t a collapse of ITV Digital proportions, but Conference clubs could be in a bit of trouble if they fail to find a broadcaster, as Setanta paid them for extensive coverage. But you’ve got to feel for those employed by the firm, hopefully someone will buy them out soon.

Away from football and you can’t help to notice that Wimbledon is here! I used to love watching this when I was a kid, I still do to be fair. Like with everything nowadays, I do have my gripes. First off, why do women players scream so much when they hit a ball? It’s blatant cheating, in order to put your opponent off and is bang out of order. Next is the whole Andy Murray circus. Middle-aged and middle-class women are not what supporting British sport is about. Having them fawn over some bad-tempered Jock, who may or may not be one of the best players in the world, is seriously putting me off!

Finally, this ‘Hawkeye’ technology which tells you if the ball was out or not. What’s the point in line judges, if you’ve got this? I’m not a fan of technology in sport, I just think wrong decisions are what watching sport (and life) is all about, what would there be left to talk about otherwise? How good Andy Murray is? Piss off!

Still, there's nothing wrong with my 'Bird's Eye' system!

On the subject of British tennis - isn’t it awful? We have one man and one woman through into round 2. Whatever the LTA are doing, clearly isn’t working. My suggestion would be to stop hanging around middle-class clubs and offer free coaching and use of facilities to those that actually need it. Opening up Robin Park for free during Wimbledon won’t produce the next Pete Sampras! Anyway, here are my predictions for the tournament - Federer to win, Murray out in the semi’s and one of Williams sisters to win in the women’s draw. Easy isn’t it? You don’t need to be Pat ‘smug’ Cash to predict tennis!

I remember around 1997, I had a love for two summer sports in particular. One was cricket and the other was Formula 1. But unlike cricket, F1 is now an easy sport to ridicule. It’s a sport that’s become more obsessed about money, even more so than football, which should be impossible! It’s not about being the best driver anymore, it’s about having the best car. Jenson Button has got nowhere in his entire F1 career and yet he leads this year’s standings by a country mile and the man who has come 2nd and 1st overall in the last two seasons, Lewis Hamilton, is still trying to start his car! Add to that the teams threatening to break away (over money, no doubt) then any love I had with this sport is no more. Plus Max Mosley didn’t invite me to one of his ‘parties’, the bastard!

Cricket on the other hand is gearing up for the Ashes. With England winning a breathtaking (yes, I am talking about Test Cricket!) 2005 series and the Aussies having many new players, there’s a lot of hope for this one. Whatever happens, I just hope we don’t lose 5-0 like we did in Australia in 2007! The only downside is that the series is only live on SKY. Looks like I’ll be staying in the pub then!

So there ends my brief (!!!) summary of what’s going on. Hopefully there’ll be plenty more things happening soon, a British winner at Wimbledon, England snoting the Aussies, Virgin Media launching its own sports channel and employing me as a ‘researcher’ and Latics signing 4 world-class players. But I doubt it!

Escape From Swansea!

2009-06-19T04:28:00.000-07:00

It seems like I can’t get a break from football this summer, which is fine by me! The big news for Latics fans is that club legend Roberto ‘Bob’ Martinez has returned to take over as manager following Steve Bruce’s decision to move to Sunderland.

This is a great move for the club with Martinez well known for having his players playing ‘good football’. After a few years of ‘hit and hope’ with Paul Jewell and Bruce, hopefully this will be the start of something new. Although don’t forget, it seemed everyone had orgasms about West Brom ‘playing good football’ – but they went down in 20th place last season.

Of course, this is a clever ploy for Latics’ chairman Dave Whelan to ‘play up’ to the fans, who have criticised him this season for his ‘penny pinching’ and naming stands after rugby players. But it’s a ploy which has been pulled off successfully, with fans really looking forward to the new season now. With Bruce, it was different.

Which brings me to the reactions of fans. We lost Steve Bruce and his staff to Sunderland, a club that finished below us last term, but we hardly cared. Championship club Swansea, lose their manager to Premiership Wigan Athletic and their fans go off on one, calling Martinez some awful names in the process. Am I missing something here? Roberto Martinez, a Wigan Athletic legend, returns to the club and Swansea fans think he’s a ‘Judas’ for leaving to manage a Premier League club?

Maybe they can’t get over losing their manager to ‘little’ Wigan - it must be. If he went to Sunderland or Portsmouth, they wouldn’t complain. Despite Latics showing themselves up with the whole deal, which involved a phantom press conference, a no show from Martinex or Whelan as Swansea demanded more money, we’ve done everything right in the book to secure the signing of Martinez. So those abusive Swans fans can just piss off and concentrate on burning virgins in giant wicker men instead!

Bob will be joined at Latics by another legend, goalscoring hero and all-round nutcase, Graeme Jones. I just can’t wait until someone like Marlon King rubs him up the wrong way. Marlon will be left wondering where his teeth had gone, when he’s in the dock for his upcoming ‘assaulting a woman’ case. But seriously, Jonesy is a ‘proper’ footballer, he expects 100% effort and will get it out of his players too - they’ll get nutted otherwise!

So with everyone looking forward to the new season, let’s hope Bob can bring in a couple of good players, so we can push forward. Whatever happens, it’s going to be yet another funny old season!

There's nothing left for me to say apart from - Welcome home Bob and COME ON LATICS!

The Steve Bruce Merry Go-Round

2009-06-03T13:51:00.000-07:00

Well what can I say on the day that Steve Bruce has left Latics to become the new manager of Sunderland? Despite the money available to him, I honestly think this is a sideways move for Bruce. Sunderland won’t be challenging for the top 4, they may not even challenge for the top 6. We’ve known it for a while but now it’s been confirmed – money talks in football.

Yes, Sunderland may get 40-odd thousand fans a week but they haven’t really finished miles ahead of Latics in the last few years. If Bruce had been better at motivating his players, then maybe we could have finished 7th last season. If Fulham can do it, with a chairman like Al Fayed (who makes Whelan look quiet) and a fan-base not-to dissimilar to Wigan, then surely we could? I think it sums Steve Bruce up when he leaves Wigan after 18 months for his seventh managerial appointment in 11 years.

I hope that Whelan has got something up his sleeve, I’m certain he has. He seemed to be quite happy to let Bruce go, which makes me think something wasn’t quite right behind the scenes with him. Maybe its Whelan’s new policy of selling players that pushed Bruce to the exit.

There are now rumours flying around that Bruce will make bids for some of the Wigan players. Bramble and Boyce are discussing new deals and this business could have put them off signing. Like I’ve said before, I don’t see why we should sell our best players to anyone but the BIG 4 or some top European club, not the likes of Spurs and indeed Sunderland. After all, Whelan wants us to get into Europe doesn’t he? Whatever crap he comes out with – we don’t need the money (yet) Dave, so stop paying crap players, such as Marlon King £40,000 a week and spend it on players who are actually good and don’t cause trouble with the law!

Latics legend, Roberto ‘Bob’ Martinex, currently in charge of Swansea, is wanted by Whelan to replace Bruce. He’s done a wonderful job at Swansea, gets them to play some great football and seems to have a lot of contacts in Spain. It would be a wonderful appointment and a very ironic one – Martinez was released by Steve Bruce, just before the manager left the first time to join Crystal Palace in 2001.

With Whelan angering the fans by letting Bruce go, selling players, keeping Maurice Lindsay on the payroll, naming a stand after a rugby player and talking crap to the media, the Martinex appointment will surely smooth those people down.

Whatever happens, let’s just hope he makes the right appointment and we stuff Sunderland next season!

Oh and in all seriousness – thanks for all your efforts Steve!

And What Do You Do? - The Queen Comes To Wigan

2009-05-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

So the Queen (and her husband!) visited Wigan on Tuesday. Nobody seemed arsed, which was (apparently – I wasn’t born) a stark contrast to her sliver jubilee visit in 1977.and her last visit in 1986. But who I am I to comment about the royal family and what they do for their modern-day subjects?

Wigan North Western train station greatly received ‘Her Maj’, which was so far removed from the usual welcomes you get outside the station. Sadly, her first site of Wigan was Cash Converters and a shop with TAXIS written on it. Typical Wigan really – everything prepared but not thought out properly. Surely we could have had a more useful and appealing site than the above two businesses?

She then headed to WN5 to visit Kitt Green’s Heinz factory, which is 50 years old. Prince Philip felt at home with the ‘Marsh Green Boyz’ and even joined in with a bit of stone-throwing and racially-dubious heckling. The Wigan Evening (rugby) Post was on fire with their embarrassing headline-quips. ‘Queen Meanz Heinz’ was one - I bet that hasn’t been used in relation to the factory before, eh? Britain’s long-serving monarch then did a bit of time-travel by visiting the Oliver!-themed town of Leigh. She officially opened their ‘Sports Village’, built by Wigan Council.
Her royal tour was over after a visit to Bolton. Whether or not she suffered any mutations from her visit there, remains to be seen.

Anyway, here are three alternative activities that the Royal party could have participated in.

Spending a day with Wiganers of their own age - The Queen and Prince Philip spend the day with Wigan’s vast pensioner population. They get on the bus at 9.30 (which is timed by the second) for free and take a pointless ride around the borough. They sit down and put their bag on the other seat, not allowing a worker, who has actually paid for the ride, a seat.

Later they’ll nip to the local club for a game of Bingo, a lemonade and a moan about the youth of today and how pensioners should be entitled to everything, despite plenty of their number not doing a days work in there lives. Later, they visit their mates, in the cemetery and attempt to dig them up. This is when they are locked up in a local mental hospital, or ‘Brainstorm House’, to use the politically correct term.

A visit to the local paper – Her Maj visits those clever hacks at the WEP and marvel at how they can turn a story about a cat being sick, into a four-page pullout about animal rights. They also visit their ‘propaganda section’ and look at how history has seen them single-handily build up the fan-base and interest in Wigan Rugby League. Sadly nowadays, they’ve jumped onto the Latics bandwagon and have somehow conned their readers into believing the club was formed in 2005, when they got into the Premiership. The Queen will also pay tribute to the paper’s bosses, as they have been kindly employing talentless writers and journalists since day one.

A visit to Wigan Pier - The Queen believes that this visit will see her looking around the famous heritage centre and museum. But seeing as they no longer exist, thanks to the Council’s ‘big plan’ (their interpretation of a new ‘heritage centre’ is made out of hotels and flats), she is left surprised when Prince Harry pops up to take her for a ‘jive’ at the infamous ‘bouncy house’ club. Again, her perception will prove to be false, as activities at the club don’t involve jiving of any kind, plus the only thing ‘bouncy’ in there is the fake/stolen boobs of the orange-skinned women, who are molested by toothless urchins from Skem, naturally.

Robbed Again By Trademark FC!

2009-05-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

The football season is coming to an end and I couldn’t be more glad! Last night’s heartbreaking 2-1 defeat to Manchester United (™) just summed up this season for Wigan Athletic – frustrating!

We battled really hard and deserved at least a point from the match, but the ‘orribles had to equalise and score a winner in the last five minutes – AGAIN! And it isn’t just Man Utd – we’ve had Chelsea and Liverpool over a barrel too, but we just can’t seem to hold on.

I was disappointed not to see Steve Bruce make more substitutions, as it was clear some of our players were absolutely knackered! Taking N’Zogbia off was a huge mistake, as Rodellga (who earlier had left Vidic, the so-called best centre half in the league, on his arse and smashed in the opening goal) was moved to the left and didn’t track O’Shea, as he set up Carrick’s winner.

I don’t need to go on about their fans. They are all total pricks who should be supporting their local teams. We all know the proper United fans support FC United anyway. Apparently a few of them started singing the sickening ‘Argentina’ chant to ugly, fatboy Tevez. Thankfully some of them got a slap or two off some Wiganers, as they stood up and cheered in the HOME STAND. I don’t care what you think, if you can’t get a ticket for the away end but can for the home end, fair enough. But don’t stand up and start cheering when your team score. It’s common sense!

Of course if the rugby-lovers hear about this, then they will have a field day. But football, to many people, is a passionate sport - it’s about local pride (well not at Old Trafford anyway!) and with the vast coverage football gets in the media – it’s like your town is being represented and put on trial. If you think a couple of rent-boys* getting slapped in the East Stand of the JJB is bad, then you simply don’t have a clue. How many people get off their face each weekend on crap drinks and beat someone up for ‘looking at them’? Now that is ‘mindless violence’, which needs outlawing - at least there’s a good reason for slapping United fans!

United just now need a point to retain their title and are playing Barcelona in the European Cup (not ‘Champions fucking League!) final. Meanwhile, Latics are still being belittled by everyone, even our chairman, Dave ‘Father Jack’ Whelan. I don’t like the way he is selling our club as an ‘halfway house for young players’, so we can sell them and make huge profits. That’s not progressing, that’s just existing. I can’t really see us keeping this Premiership lark up if it carries on.

I understand the ethics of it but why can’t we fight harder to keep players? Palacios is a prime example. Why should we sell any of our players to anyone bar the BIG FOUR or the cream of the European clubs? Whelan’s aim is to qualify for Europe, so why sell to clubs like Spurs, who will also be battling for Europe? It doesn’t make any sense.

In a way, I’ll be glad if this stance of Whelan’s doesn’t pay off and we struggle, not that I want that of course! But we will be left without cheating players, idiotic fans and the fashion accessories, which make up this sham of a league!

(*No offence to actual rent-boys, although it is illegal lads - just don’t forget to ‘rubber up’!)

When The Bell Tolls...

2009-05-05T04:02:00.000-07:00

After being knocked out at the end of the second round on Saturday, people are calling for Ricky Hatton to retire – but why should he? Fair enough, the punch that floored him would have seriously hurt mere mortals like you and I, but I hope Ricky doesn’t quit like this, he can’t.

‘Experts’ have been saying his health might suffer – Ricky is 30 and in top physical condition and this is the only time he’s been hurt, badly. Don’t forget that this is only his second defeat of his career, his opponent, Manny Pacquiao, has lost three times.

It’ll be such a shame if Ricky does quit, I can understand his health concerns but the fact that there was NOTHING wrong with him after the fight, apart from being a bit dazed obviously, has escaped people’s reviews. One report stated that he ‘didn’t have a mark on him’!

People have pointed to the fact that he ‘doesn’t have anything left to prove’ – yes he does. He has to prove that he can get back from this defeat and show what a good fighter he really is. A boxer is only great when he learns how to take a defeat – many undefeated boxers have quit once they get beat for the first time.

With boxing comes money - that old chestnut! I don’t think Ricky will attract the amount of promoters and investors he has over the last few years, if he carries on and that could be a good thing! I believe Ricky should maybe have 5 or 6, not easy but ‘winnable’ fights (ala Rocky, at the start of Rocky 3!) to build up his confidence – because that’s all what’s missing.

As soon as I heard the bell go, I thought that Ricky wasn’t up for it, I could see his confidence draining out of him after each punch - and those two first round knockdowns didn’t help either! Oh and make sure you sack Mayweather Sr. too Ricky, the man is a total creep and probably does nothing for your confidence either!

Ricky is a true ‘working class hero’. In a time when overpaid, nancy footballers are described as ‘heroes’ for knocking a ball/women around, it’s easy to forget that Ricky has come from a council estate to earning millions for getting beat up! But what makes Ricky different from the rest is that he never forgets where he comes from. He’s always mixing with people in his hometown, going out for a pint, doing charity work etc.

He is a true ‘sports star’ role model, who is always honest and gracious in defeat. That’s why 25,000 people follow him to America and thousands more stay up at home and in the pubs at clubs at 4am to watch him! I would hate to see that end because of one punch, okay a brilliant punch that could have knocked anyone out – that’s what people need to realise!

The talent is there, I don’t think anyone can question that. I honestly believe it is a confidence issue. If the fight was fought in Manchester, maybe it would have been different. This is the only time that I knew the bright lights of Las Vegas and its numerous celebrity fans had affected him. Ricky has said he has let the fans down, all 25,000 who travelled over from England. No Ricky, you didn’t – you let yourself down, so stop apologising and show people that you’re no quitter!

Plus the fact that I love going out at midnight (and going home at 7am!) to watch the boxing, has got nothing to do with my support of Ricky!

Lost In Beggars and Brews

2009-04-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

Southport 0 - 1 Gateshead
Wednesday 29th April
Blue Square North Play-Off Semi-Final First Leg
Haig Avenue, Attendance: 1011

It was always going to be a very interesting trip to watch the Conference North play-off first leg between Southport and Gateshead at Haig Avenue but as always – the football played second fiddle!

I was to make the short train journey to Meols Cop, the nearest station to Southport’s Haig Avenue ground. The walk from the station to the ground was quite simple and I didn’t expect to be met with two many problems.

The train from Wigan was slightly delayed, so as I sat waiting, a chap with a scouse accent came over asking for money. I was sat next to a rather lovely-looking girl, so I wanted to keep face, as you do. After giving him what I had in change, he went on to ask the girl and others waiting at the station for money. Apparently, he had just ‘come from the police station’ and needed some train fare. Me and the girl shared a look and a few words (and that was it - unfortunately!) until the bloke came back. Thankfully the train arrived so I couldn’t tell him to f**k off in front of the girl!

I arrived at my destination in good time but as with all football trips - I get lost trying to find the ground! What looked like a simple route on a map, turned into a nightmare! I eventually found the ground and took my seat in the main stand for the match.

Despite being hidden away, Haig Avenue is a decent ground to visit. I couldn’t be arsed standing, so I sat in the stand, which for this level of football, is very comfortable! The other 3 sides of the ground are made up by terracing, which is where the singing fans stand! The view of the ground is pretty good too and the refreshing sea air was a bonus. It’s just a shame the ground isn’t located nearer to the town centre!

The first half was rather tense, Southport looked rather dodgy at the back and soon this weakness was to affect them as a mix-up led to Gateshead striker, Graeme Armstrong prodding the ball past the home keeper and into the net - after just 15 minutes.

The first half just petered out after the goal, with Southport’s only chance being skied over the bar. I ventured down to the food cabin for a half-time brew, which was awful and didn’t improve my mood one bit (there was only one pub in the area and I had arrived too late to have a quick one and I needed to get to the station right after the match!).

The second half was much better, with Southport on top, as they constantly threatened down the right-hand side. Gateshead though, always looked dangerous on the break and they almost made it 2-0 but the post came to the rescue of the home side.

Southport threw everything at the visitors but long ball after long ball was cleared and the Gateshead defence held firm. There was even time for ex-Latics player, Tony Dinning, to make an appearance for Gateshead, as he came on with about 15 minutes to go. In fact, Gateshead should have had a second late on but McMillan in the Southport goal made a good save after a Gateshead forward was put clean through.

The final whistle went and the home support slumped off. It could have been a lot worse but on balance – Southport should have at least drawn the match. They now face an uphill battle to win through to the final, as they visit the North East on Sunday.

I made my way from the ground but somehow got lost again! Thankfully I eventually found my way and waited for the train back the holy land of Wigan. It was an ok trip but if I bring myself round to visiting Haig Avenue again, it will be an afternoon game and on a weekend! That way I can hop on a train to the centre of Southport and enjoy its fine ‘facilities’!

This wouldn’t be a proper trip if I didn’t drink any ale, so I made sure I had a few in Wigan when I got back! Nothing special - just toasting the fact that I managed to find my way home!

I was left wondering though, if my beggar friend found his way home?

The Robins Pay A Padiham Penalty

2009-04-29T03:04:00.000-07:00

Wigan Robin Park 0 - 2 Padiham
Tuesday 28th April
Vodkat North West Counties League First Division
Robin Park Arena, Attendance: 60

The Robins ended their home campaign as they slumped to a 2-0 defeat against high-flying Padiham. The talking point of the match however, was the usual - erratic refereeing!

The Robins were never in it, to be fair but Padiham didn’t really play like a side who are on course for promotion to the North West Counties Premier, as they constantly hoofed the ball forwards in the first half.

A decent crowd of 60 (including about 15 from Padiham) didn’t have to wait long for the opening goal, as the league’s top scorer, Paul Flides, volleyed in his 33rd goal of the season, after just 10 minutes.

The Robins rallied, without really making the Padiham keeper work, although he was left stranded as a shot from the home side hit the crossbar and bounced over. Padiham also had chances too with Wigan keeper, Jay Foulds, making a good save after a Padiham frontman was put clean through.

The second half was more of a tense affair, with the referee booking players for nothing and generally losing control of the game. He and his linesmen had already angered the home support with a couple of bad offside decisions.

Thing were to get worse for the Robins, as Padiham started to pass the ball about, a forward was clipped inside the box, he went down and the referee pointed to the spot. Robbie Smith stepped up to squeeze the penalty past Foulds.

It was a disappointing result for the Robins, whose promotion push has been scuppered by injuries and players being unavailable. But still – a fifth placed finish for their first season at this level is a great achievement! Hopefully next season can see us push on and try to get into the Premier.

Next up for the Robins is an away trip to Padiham, for the last game of the season. For me though – I’m off to watch Southport’s Conference North play-off first leg against Gateshead at Haig Avenue tonight. Should be fun!

Swine Flu - We've Seen It All Before!

2009-04-28T05:53:00.001-07:00

Anyone getting worried? The latest person being testing at Manchester Airport, 150-odd dead in Mexico and people being tested all over Europe. It's probably nothing but you watch all these selfish people panic, thanks to the circus that is the media.

In fact I’m more worried about just that! When we had a fuel strike, people panic bought petrol, so that others are left without. The same went when the strike escalated and effected supermarket deliveries, with people panic buying food - selfish (and stupid!) bastards! It should be interesting to see people’s reactions though, if this problem escalates. That’ll tell you all you need to know about society today.

Although being a science fiction/horror fan, the last week or so has been very exciting! Some of the plots behind those classic disease-ridden films have being coming reality! It does give me some pride in seeing that the writing wasn't that bad after all!

Have a look at the British television series ‘Survivors’, which has just been recently remade from Terry Nation’s original 1970’s series. The series delves into the story of how a world-wide flu pandemic has affected nine-tenths of the world’s population. Its quite scary stuff if you compare this fiction to the reality of what’s happening now! I just hope that the second series isn’t delayed because of the nature of its premise!

I’m sure you know the plots of most zombie-style films, with some ranging from the complete ridiculous (an electric surge causing people to turn into the living dead) to far more plausible reasons (an infection). I’m not saying people will turn into the living dead and start eating your brain or anything but this sudden panic from the media has reminded me of those films and I chuckle to myself wondering how they would report something like that, when they can cause countrywide panic with the words – ‘Fuel Strike’!

But I’m going to see where the nearest shooting range is, just in case this swine flu causes the living dead to rise again and I’m required to shoot them in the head! Hopefully they won’t.

Or maybe I shouldn’t dip my toast into my milk at night? I think it gives me funny dreams!

No Return To Daisy Hill - But You Can Download My New Book!

2009-04-16T17:50:00.000-07:00

After succumbing to my drunken injuries , I decided not to go to the Daisy Hill vs Wigan Robin Park match, just in case I scared people with my face! My next match will (hopefully) be Leigh Genesis vs. Bradford Park Avenue on the 21st April.

But instead, I'm delighted to announce that you can now download my first ever e-book, which originally took the form of my first ever blog – http://www.laticsblog.blogspot.com/. The e-book version has been heavily edited and lots bits added to it – including the last few games of the season, which aren’t present in the blog! Its 50-odd pages of football, drinking and woman you can’t miss out on!

Description

This is the story of Wigan Athletic in the English Premier League in 2007/08, seen through the eyes of a twentysomething fan who can only think about his beloved 'Latics', having a 'few pints’ and trying to get in with women. Still 2 out of 3 ain't bad, as an overweight rock legend once sang!

Wigan went from top of the league to being threatened with relegation, a sacked manager, England-call ups, 5-3 wins, cheating players and referees - and not forgetting - seeing the Premier League trophy being lifted in the flesh!

And of course, along the way the author found himself pissed up in various Northern English drinking establishments, even going to a rave wearing corduroy and being molested by the living dead!

This is what being a real football fan is about. This is - Wigan Athletic - Beer, Birds and Football!

You can download the e-book as a .PDF here (scroll down to 'Download This File' and enter in the code displayed)

Please note that you will need a .PDF reader, such as ADOBE ACROBAT or FOXIT to open the file. You can download a .PDF reader by clicking on any of the links.

Cheers!

Packed Trains, Streakers, Beers and Chipped Teeth - Just Another Day Out At The Football!

2009-04-11T05:14:00.000-07:00

Lancaster City 1 - 0 Bamber Bridge
Friday 10th April
Unibond League Division One North
Giant Axe, Attendance: 249

I had hoped for an epic day out but after a drab first half, I didn’t expect a goal, streakers, winning £5 on a quiz machine and ending my night slipping over and smashing my face on the road!

I was a bit worried that I’ll miss kick off, as I was running late to catch the train. I needn’t have worried though, as the good old trains were running late! I managed to squeeze on a train for the 25 minute journey to Lancaster. Sadly I was stood with a large number of people, who were doing their best to create themselves some space! I’ve never been on a train in India but I suppose this was the U.K equivalent!

I arrived in good time and after a walk around the castle (which is actually a prison that opened in 1196!) I caught strains of some drunken songs. After investigating I found a number of Bamber Bridge fans in Hawaiian shirts! Whether this is something they do on bank holiday games, I don’t know. It was amusing though!

I ended up following them to The Giant Axe and the club’s ‘Dolly Blue Tavern’ social club. The place has a nice set up and is a credit to the club, I drank a pint in record time to take my place on the terraces. The Giant Axe is a good ‘old school’ football ground. It has some covered seating on one side of the ground, with covered terracing all around, apart from the side I was stood on! I cowered beneath the roof of a portacabin -type building for the match.

The game, as mentioned, wasn’t great. Bamber Bridge were easily the better side in the first half, with the home keeper making three brilliant saves. Apart from having a shot cleared off the line, Lancaster huffed and puffed but couldn’t get anywhere near the visitor’s goal. After an uneventful half-time, the second half was much better. The singing Lancaster supporters moved to near where I was for this half and I was impressed as they kept on singing throughout the half. Apparently this was their manager, Tony Hesketh’s, first game back in charge. Apparently he is some kind of legend at the club and he was certainly lapping the attention up!

The home fans continued to back their side with great noise and that noise grew even louder when a shot from 30 yards out was directed into the net via the head of Mark Jackson. The Lancaster defence held out, despite Bamber Bridge looking dangerous at every set piece. There was even was time for a pair of streakers to entertain the crowd! They ran around the pitch before jumping back into the away end! Superb stuff but sadly - they were both men!

The game finished and the majority of the crowd went home happy but for me it was time to hunt for a chippy, what with it being Good Friday and all. A tray of chips later and I went on a pub crawl around the area. I quite enjoyed it and a special mention must go to the ‘Ring O’ Bells’ pub for having an open fire, great beer and fine looking barmaids! I ended my Lancaster visit in some kind of underground bar that described itself as ‘historic’. Sat near me were two student types that were discussing the in-and-outs of the film ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ and how ‘Morgan Freeman is one of the best actors in Hollywood’. I had to get out of there quickly - as soon as I drank up though! It was back to the train station and home.

I had felt a little tired earlier but I brought myself to having another mini pub crawl, ending the night in the Tudor, where I won a fiver on the quiz machine! Not bad considering I only spent a quid! I used my winnings to buy myself some food at the kebab shop (it was now about 1am, so it wasn’t Good Friday anymore!) and made my way home.

A cracking day out was marred as I somehow managed to slip over and smash my face into the road, just 100 yards away from my home! I look like I’ve been in a fight and I’m going to try and book a dental appointment soon – as I chipped one of my teeth! Alcohol may have played a part – but my trainers aren’t the grippiest! So that’s my excuse!

It was still a good day out though – I had a good laugh anyway! Here’s hoping I get my tooth fixed at a price that won’t break the bank!

Cheers to codofthenorth of the Lancaster City Fans' Forum for the match photos!

Where's Wally - The Egyptian Version

2009-04-09T10:44:00.000-07:00

I just can’t believe the same man who single-handily ripped apart the Man City defence at the JJB back in October and applauded all three home stands at the end, getting a standing ovation in return before being the last to leave the pitch, is now portraying himself as a selfish, greedy and unprofessional person. Amr Zaki became an instant hero with Wiganers after his goal scoring exploits at the start of the season.

So what’s all the fuss about then? Well, Wigan Athletic manager, Steve Bruce, labelled Zaki as the ‘most unprofessional player I have ever worked with’ after he failed to return from international duty – for the FOURTH TIME this season. Although he got injured while he was back in Egypt, FIFA rules state that the player must return back to his club, so they could check him out, as they are his employers (well the one who pays his wages, as he’s on loan) and have every right to do so. The Egyptian FA were also supposed to send a scan of his injury right away, which they didn’t.

The mystery deepens as Zaki’s international teammate and fellow Latics striker, Mido, returned home easily and played in Sunday’s defeat to Everton. Also new Latics midfielder, Won Hee Cho, returned to England from Korea suffering from a far worse injury than Zaki, which keeps him from making his debut until next season. Plus he had to get tested for DVT when he came back! Egypt is a lot closer to England than Korea or South America, from where Latics have had a number of players return on time. So something quite clearly, doesn’t add up.

I can only assume that it’s something in Zaki’s personal life that has affected him. He spent a season on loan in Russia, at Lokomotiv Moscow, without playing a single game before returning to Egypt. He citied the fact that he couldn’t ‘settle in’ as the main reason he failed in Russian football. But England is totally different and I can’t see how he’s not settled in with all the help the club has given him.

His form started to dip around December – not scoring in open play since his double against Liverpool at Anfield in October. Many people have said that he ‘won’t like it when it gets cold’ – and they were right! But the weather is no excuse, we’re in April now and the weather has been okay. It’s not even that bad in winter anyway!

It seems the ploy of signing his fellow Egyptian, Mido, hasn’t worked either. The pair were believed to have had a ‘bust up’ during last international break. Is there anything in that? I hope not but if there is, then it’s one perfect excuse for Zaki to use.

His agent isn’t helping matters. Although he has been in regular contact with the club he hasn’t shifted on anything and reckons Wigan should allow Zaki time off because ‘he’s done a lot for the club’. I suppose the open goal he missed at, (ironically) Man City, which would have earned us a valuable point, didn’t register with him.

At the end of the day, Wigan are in the right. They’ve already fined him this season and it obviously has no effect on the man. A permanent deal is now unlikely and Zaki is rumoured to be interesting Harry ‘I’m not dodgy – honest’ Redknapp and his Tottenham Hotspur side. The two deserve each other!

Zaki is due for talks with Bruce tomorrow, Good Friday, which I wonder is another irony? I fully expect Zaki to now profess his love of the club on Easter Sunday and his resurrection would be complete.

I just hope Latics fans don’t boo or sing any idiotic songs. For one, we don’t know the full story and can only speculate at this point. And two – we aren’t Newcastle fans, so we should never abuse one of our own players while he’s still here and having the misfortune to be injured.

If that’s he’s real excuse…

Robins Not At The Races

2009-04-05T08:20:00.000-07:00

Wigan Robin Park 1 - 4 Stone Dominoes
Saturday 4th April
Vodkat North West Counties League First Division
Robin Park Arena, Attendance: 27

The Robins failed to turn up as Stone ran riot at the Robin Park Arena. We just didn’t look at the races on Grand National day and barely deserved our consolation goal, which came courtesy of James Martin.

After Tuesday bumper crowd of 298, it was a rather disappointing 27 (including 3 from Stone!) that saw this one. Stone looked good early on and it was the clubs’ namesake, Stone, that powered in an header from a corner, after just two minutes. Those familiar groans that accompanies me while watching Latics, escaped my lips.

Things got worse, as sat behind us was the most annoying bloke you’ll only ever see/hear in Wigan! His constant shouts of ‘COME ON LINO!’ and ‘HOW MANY TIMES REFEREE!’ were really pissing me off!

The first half petered out, with Stone knocking the ball around comfortably and the Robins getting frustrated as the referee seemed to blow up every time they got in a decent position. Our friend behind us was in his element as his booming voice seemed to grow louder!

With the Champions bar shut, we had our half-time pints in the expensive but quite nice ‘Frankie’s and Benny’s’ American-style resultant. At £3 a pint, it was on the expensive side but a nice looking waitress made up for that!

We got back to the arena 20 minutes into the second half (!!!) to find out that Stone had scored 2 more (goals scored by Brown and Stone, again - according to the league website). I wanted to go back to the bar after hearing that! But the Robins gave us a glimmer of hope with a well-crafted goal – James Martin getting his foot to the ball which looped over the Stone defenders and into the net.

The Robins put constant pressure on their opponents but never looked like scoring again. Stone sealed their win after Brown was put through and slided the ball past the onrushing Jay Foluds.

It’s a disappointing result which means the Robins have a mountain to climb if they want to finish in the top two. Next for the Robins is an away trip to Chadderton on Easter Saturday. Next up for me though is a trip to Lancaster on Good Friday to sample some Unibond League football and the odd hostelry in the historic city!

Thanks to 'The Pole' from the Cheadle Town Blog for the photo

Paper Vendettas, Golliwoggs and Newcastle Jobcentre

2009-04-02T11:02:00.000-07:00

The much-maligned Wigan Evening (we love rugby, so when you ‘football hooligans’ go back to ‘where you belong’ and all the fans go back to supporting ‘proper’ teams, we won’t write about you) Post have gone on the rampage in their latest attempt at giving football in general a bad name in Wigan.

The front page of today’s edition (April 2nd) gave top billing to the fact that some internet retailer is selling ‘Golliwogg’ pin badges of football teams, including Latics. Now after being evicted from their jam jars, the Edwardian favourites have gone from being a few harmless books to a rallying point for anti-racists who wet themselves if you mention ‘black’ in any sentence.

Now I can’t see what the problem is. Okay, in the past these Gollies were a light-hearted joshing of black people. We are now in the 21st century, so things have changed, like the fact we have a larger population of non-whites. Surely the best way to combat the racial attitudes of those in the past is to laugh at it and how daft they were back then?

The Gollies actually originated as a book, it wasn’t a right-wing symbol or the mascot of some ethnic cleansing manifesto. Sweeping it under the carpet, won’t make it better, in fact by pointing out what these things stood for and how they shouldn’t be on sale, only encourages more people to have an attitude about ethnic minorities. People see this country becoming less free, as you can’t buy a toy or a badge without being branded a racist. And those people who label other people, without doing proper research, are as ignorant as their racist counterparts.

So In summary - it's a bloody badge! Concentrate your thoughts on something which is actually worthwhile!

Intrestingly, the paper also has a two page speard/publicity stunt of members of the Leigh Police Force, taking on young lads at a game of football. The match finished 5-5.

Anyway, I’m off to EBay!

In other news, Alan Shearer has taken charge of his beloved Newcastle United until the end of the season. Good luck to him, I don’t care either way if they stay up but St. James’ Park is one ground I would love to visit, despite the fact that the away seats are situated closer to the moon than the pitch!

He’s never managed a club before but with his legendary status at Newcastle and football in general, he’ll have no problem with the fans or getting 100% effort out of the players. With Ian ‘Sloth from The Goonies’ Dowie at his side, it should be an interesting 8 games.

But this will go either two ways - Newcastle will stay up and Shearer will be proclaimed as the ‘new messiah’ and the fans will get delusions about getting into the top 6 next season. Or they’ll go down and struggle. It’ll be a shame but it shows football has no hiding place for the biggest of clubs. But unlike Leeds before them, Newcastle have money, in the rather round shape of Mike Ashley and to be fair, they’ve been threatening to have a relegation battle for a few years now!

But what I want to know is – do people in Newcastle have jobs? The tens of thousands of people outside the ground at lunchtime was unbelievable!

The Robins Are Relient!

2009-04-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

Wigan Robin Park 1 - 1 AFC Liverpool
Tuesday 31st March
Vodkat North West Counties League First Division
Robin Park Arena, Attendance: 298

The Robins were made to work hard for their point against AFC Liverpool, who like their more-well known cousins, grabbed a late equaliser at the Robin Park Arena.

A fantastic crowd of 298, for this level of football, watched on as the two promotion chasers played a first half that was very much like a chess game - neither one of the sides allowing the other any space. With the Robins trying to get the ball to their front men early, AFC preferred a more relaxed style of play by knocking the ball around. Despite a couple of crosses into the box, which Wigan keeper Jay Foulds dealt with easily, Liverpool didn’t really threaten. In fact it was Wigan who looked the most likely to score, with Whittle doing a fine job on the right-wing, cutting inside and causing the AFC defence all sorts of problems.

Half time pints were supped in the fine ‘Champions Bar’ across the road and it wasn’t long into the second half that we got that elusive breakthrough. Left-winger Sean White getting the final touch to what looked like a scrappy goal, but they all count! Wigan ere leading and the 150 or so AFC fans, who were moaning all game, rallied behind their team. Perhaps their moaning came from the fact that as Liverpool FC fans, they aren’t used to refereeing decisions going against them – I know we bloody are!

Just as Wigan were looking assured, Liverpool came up with a great passage of play around the box which Dave Eaton finished off with a drive into the corner. It was tough luck on the Wigan defence who had snuffed out most of the AFC chances and those that did get through - went over the bar.

It was all AFC now, roared on by their fickle fans ‘Attack Attack’ was their cry but with each shot that was blocked, the Robins started picking them off on the counter attack. It was in injury time that they had a couple of chances to win it but the AFC defenders threw themselves in front of the ball and a rather desperate shout for a penalty from the Robins fans was ignored.

1-1 was a fair result but it leaves the Robins with a bit of work to do if we want to finish in the top two. Bootle won again, so it seems they are champions in all but name. However, even if we don’t finish 2nd, there could be a light and the end of the tunnel. Apparently new league rules could mean that a few clubs in the Vodkat Premier could be relegated because they don’t have the required facilities at their grounds. With the Robin Park Arena, we’ll have no problem. It’s sad for clubs already up there and I would rather win promotion on merit, rather than on ‘how good the ground is’. Let’s hope we do!

Next up for The Robins is Stone at home on Saturday.

You've Been Tangoed!

2009-03-31T04:58:00.000-07:00

It's a joke that I love to slip in as often as I can. But the thing is – it isn’t a joke! Walk around your local town and they are all at, even the lads! Fake tanning – is it really needed?

Women are the biggest offenders, why they feel the need to have an orange face is beyond me. They think they look nice but they look like the ‘Tango Man’ has been on one of his sexually-dubious rampages. Mixed in with a bit of tracksuit and cheap jewellery – it doesn’t look good love!

I can just about understand why women would attempt it, once, but why the lads? Everyone’s talking about ‘metro-sexuality’. What the f**k does that mean? How does looking like a woman make you even more of a man?

It doesn’t just stop at that horrible orange stuff they slap on – sunbeds also do a roaring trade, giving skin cancer to all. I don’t get it, are people that vain enough to make themselves look stupid? It doesn’t look good when the stuff leaves brown marks on your body and those white patches, which you missed, are shining and twinkling at you, like no star ever could.

I don’t think I’m that particular good looking (I prefer ‘dashing’) but what defines ‘good looking’? I’m not sure anymore! Everybody has different tastes. If you want to make yourself orange, look like a clown and commit petty crime - fair enough. And if you want to go out with that – fair enough. Just don’t get in my face, telling me how good it is because I think you look f***ing daft!

I like girls to look nice and to take care of themselves but fake tan doesn’t look good. The clue is in the name – its fake, your fake. Don’t do it girls, go to Benidorm or something, it’ll be cheaper in the long run!

Daisy Hill Dreamin'

2009-03-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

Daisy Hill 3 - 2 AFC Liverpool
Saturday 28th March
Vodkat North West Counties League First Division
New Sirs, Attendance: 175

So with there being no Latics or Robin Park game this weekend, I find myself at a very large loose end. So this is why I found myself on a train, heading to Manchester, as Tuesday’s opponents AFC Liverpool were playing Daisy Hill at their New Sirs home. Robin Park also play at Daisy Hill soon, so this was a good opportunity to scope out this particular sleepy backwater of Westhoughton!

Ideally, I would have loved Daisy Hill to win, as Robin Park would have 3 games in hand on AFC, with the Scousers visiting Wigan on Tuesday, things could open up at the top of the league for the Robins! However, Daisy Hill are second-bottom and I couldn’t even see them snatching a point, so a win for them was more of a pipe dream to be honest.

I found the ground easily enough, hidden though may I add! £4 entry, £1 program and a £1.90 pint in the clubhouse later and I found myself surrounded by 100 Scousers. This is something which I imagine a night out at Maximes must be like. You know what happens, you try to chat up some orange-skinned bird, not knowing she’s with some Scouse lad who summons up his 100-strong ‘crew’ to ‘do you over’, like only a gang of Scousers know how to do. But it’s never their fault of course!

So to the match, the program states that the ref and linesman are both from Wigan! The first 15 minutes or so were very scrappy, although AFC had camped in the Daisy Hill half from the first whistle. But from their first meaningful attack, ‘The Daises’ scored, following some good play out wide, the ball was put into the box and found its way in the back of the net. The AFC fans went quiet for a bit, except of a bit of moaning!

Half-time was approaching so I made my way down to clubhouse end to see the reminder of the half from behind the goal. With only their second attack of the game, they scored again! Some good play in holding up the ball and smart passing, resulted in the ball flying past the AFC keeper. Get in! Half-time pint was supped as I watched the start of the second half from the clubhouse window, as Daisy Hill had a man sent off and AFC had a penalty. But more Scouse moaning was to occur, as they missed it! The handful of Daises fans were pissing themselves!

I returned to my first-half position not long after but with there being so many AFC fans there, it was difficult to avoid them! I stood next to some annoying women and a couple of kids (not hers!) who took great delight in singing Liverpool songs and labelling Daisy Hill as a ‘joke’. A bit of banter I know, but I would have thought that at this level, fans would have a bit more respect for other clubs. Just to put things in perspective, Daisy Hill FC were formed in 1894, whilst their opponents are barley a year old!

My desperation for The Daises to hold on was bubbling to the surface but as the AFC fans chanting got louder they nicked a goal back with barely 10 minutes left. Just a minute later, the floodgates threatened to open as a long ball was dealt with poorly by the Daises keeper and AFC found their equaliser. A bit harsh on the home side, as the keeper had only made two saves all game!

With the Scouse squeals getting louder (and those annoying kids) I was distraught, AFC would push on for a winner now. I didn’t really expect Daisy Hill to come up field and score but that’s what they did! A long ball forward was controlled superbly and a through-ball quickly dispatched. Daisy Hill forward Hogdkinson outpaced the static AFC defence and planted the ball past the onrushing keeper. I couldn’t help myself cheering the winner with the Daises fans!

The final whistle went not long after and both sets of fans clapped their sides off. It was a good match and all credit to the AFC fans who had come in numbers (about 145!) and were in good voice throughout. The clubhouse was also pretty good, if a bit under-staffed.

On the whole, this is great news for The Robins, who now can overtake AFC if we win our games in hand. With the match on Tuesday coming up, I don’t see any reason why we can’t take all three points, as we did at Valerie Park.

After the match, I had a quick pint in the local pub (‘The Daisy Hill’) and watch a bit of the England match as Emile Heskey, fell over and the ball went in off him via a defender. Some things never change! Later, I find myself home almost as soon as I board the train. Brew in hand and toasting a good day out the football.

With me hardly getting to any lower league games this season. I’ve decided to make an effort as the season is coming to an end. I hope to attend the following games in the next couple of weeks! Look out for more drunken reports!

31st March - Wigan Robin Park vs. AFC Liverpool

4th April - Wigan Robin Park vs. Stone Dominoes

10th April - Lancaster City vs. Bamber Bridge

15th April - Daisy Hill vs. Wigan Robin Park

28th April - Wigan Robin Park vs. Padiham

Photo courtesy/nicked of 'Little Dave' from the AFC Liverpool forum

Welsome To the DW Stadium - Now Shut The Door!

2009-03-25T12:38:00.000-07:00

So from August 1st, Wigan’s premier arena (not the Monaco Ballroom) the JJB Stadium is to be named after the chairman’s new business venture. Welcome to the DW Stadium!

With Whelan (known commonly as ‘Father Jack’ among the cynic group of Latics fans) buying JJB’s fitness clubs for a cool £70 million, he has set up his own ‘DWSportsFitness.com’ business. Presumably this will be more of an online retailer as well as the expansion of the health clubs, which come complete with their own sport shop of course! Reading into it, I don’t think that DW will be in direct competition with JJB, as the DW chain is more focused on selling fitness equipment rather than sportswear. If I’m right, then it’ll be great news for Wigan – we would have two major sports retailers based in the town, meaning more jobs for the good and the not so good people of Wigan!

Away from the business side, I don’t see this being a great thing for the club. Fair enough Whelan owns the stadium, he can call it what he wants. However, Latics are also going to be ‘sponsored’ by DW. I say sponsored, I can’t really see Whelan paying through the nose to sponsor his own team. This will generate less money for club meaning that Whelan will constantly moan about the club’s lack of profits and thus blaming the lack of fans. Our top players will get sold, just so the club can balance the books. You just watch!

It should be interesting to see when/if Whelan will replace all the JJB marks from the stadium. It took him nearly 2 years to remove the ‘Adidas’ from the East Stand and replace it with ‘JJB’, after their sponsorship ended. I just hope we don’t have Whelan’s face as seats, like Preston have done with their famous players! But I reckon the rugby fans would love to sit on his face!

I just hope we can avoid those imminent ‘hilarious’ nicknames such as ‘Dreary Wigan Stadium’ etc. Although if it’s the rugby, fair enough!

A Pint of Gutted Please...

2009-03-23T05:47:00.000-07:00

Gutted. You can keep all your last minute Latics defeats, this was even worse.

Okay maybe not but as I attended the last night of Wigan’s beer festival, we were informed that they had ran out of beer! I wasn’t happy and I don’t understand why they couldn’t have ordered more after Friday night. Or why couldn’t they have saved some for the Saturday? They could have even cancelled the Saturday afternoon session. I just don’t understand how they haven’t got a plan B, just in case something like this happens. Because of this they have lost out on a lot of entrance money and hopefully they can get it right for next year.

Maybe I should have gone on the Friday but it was ‘hard to move’ as my mate said. With no report about the event from me, I will let my mate, Chris, explain the Friday night: “It was proper good, hard to move but I got pissed anyway”. Roger Cook must be shitting his pants at the quality of that report!

So instead we went into Wigan for a pub crawl and it was okay! I cheered myself up by getting a pint of Strawberry beer from the Anvil, a pub that has plenty of ties with the beer festival, as well as being the pick-up point for the bus to the festival! The rest of the night was spent trying to chat up my old school lab technician, in The Boulevard, who isn’t old before anyone starts!

I’ve decided I may go to May’s Stockport Beer and Cider Festival instead. It’ll probably be an afternoon affair but I don’t care! Stay tuned for the drunken report!

CAMRA Wigan Beer Festival 2009 - A Preview

2009-03-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

Everyone always has a date pencilled in their mental diaries, I’m not too dissimilar. However, it’s not a birthday or even an anniversary of something memorable (in many ways it is though!) – It’s the Wigan Beer Festival!

Ran since 1987, I jumped on the bandwagon (to be fair I was only 19!) at the final festival to be held at The Mill (at The Pier) in 2005. With Wigan Council leaving the town with no decent concert/conference hall, Newtown’s very own Robin Park has stood in since then. It’s handy for me, as I live just 5 minutes away from the state-of-art sports centre. It’s also only a mile from Wigan Town Centre, so a pub/club crawl afterwards is always top of the agenda!

But what are beer festivals, I hear you ask. Well basically, it’s all about sampling different home-made ales, ciders and even those heathen lagers, from around the country and abroad. There’s not a ‘Fosters Ice’ or ‘WKD’ in sight as people sample all sorts of beers from pale ales to stout, from West Country cider to dodgy German lager. Best of all the prices are very good and with you being able to purchase/borrow your very own commemorative festival glass in either half pint or full pint, there’s plenty of beer to sample!

The best of all, CAMRA festivals use the ‘beer tokens’ system, which I think is a very good idea. Basically, you trade your money at the front desk for a sheet of paper with different amounts of money indicated on them. When you get a drink, the volunteers behind the bar, cross the amount off. It saves people messing about with change and drunken people losing their money! It’s a system which I think should be employed in nightclubs.

The festival also has ‘entertainment’, if that’s what you can call it! Usually it’s a folk band and vintage pub games (not darts or pool!) but the most fun is had seeing some of the daft folk trying to dance after a couple of pints of ‘Otters Arse’, or something!

There’s also plenty of food to be sampled. Although the German sausages (well worth a bite, trust me!) and the Crapes aren’t included on the tokens system. But they are always well worth a sniff – they even have pies and chips, which is unheard of in Wigan, honest!

The festival normally has a ‘theme’, this year its ‘The Dark Side vs. The Light Side’, which I presume is a Star-Wars homage, as people can chose which ales, from each side, they like best! Whatever happens, I can guarantee I’ll be on the cider at the end of the night! But hopefully plenty of fun can be had!

The 22nd Wigan Beer Festival takes place at The Robin Park Sports Centre from Thursday 19th March to Saturday 21st. For dates, times and more info, visit the Wigan CAMRA Beer Festival website.

Happy supping!

For those who don’t know, CAMRA (CAMpaign for Real Ale) is an organisation that is trying to keep the British beer going. What with many of our pubs closing every week and the ones that are left, selling mostly sub-standard drinks, the organisation formed and has being been going strong ever since, trying to keep our culture alive. The beer festivals are just one way of promoting this – there’s no ‘binge drinking’ or violence, just clued-in folk having a few beers and having a good time. That is how it should be – people getting drunk but causing no bother and having a laugh. But yet the government home in on the minority and punish drinkers and their pubs with high prices.

CAMRA run beer festivals across the country, for more info visit their site.

Girls At The Supermarket - A Tribute

2009-03-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

Have you ever stopped to wonder, while walking down the aisle at your local supermarket? I have – and it’s not just the high prices and crap choice that has made me go lightheaded!

It seems to me that all the lovely women spend most of their time at the local supermarket. They seem to hide, in between frozen foods and beer and stuck in between you and her are screaming kids, single mothers pushing prams, ignorant pensioners and rugby fans on a mad dash to buy savoury products before their ‘big match’ against Wakefield. These girls are like a diamond stuck in miles of thick rock. Unfortunately you’ve got more chance of finding a diamond stuck in the arse of the statue of Sir Francis Powell in Wigan Park than you have of getting near to one of these girls.

Some of them seem to ooze style, giving off the impression that they shouldn’t be shopping in there. Instead they should be hanging off the arm of some prick footballer or banker, employing their own staff to shop for them. Some just look like your dream woman – lovely to look at, they have a nice smile, intelligent and more importantly – like a bit of real ale!

With supermarkets being able to sell almost anything now, I bet there are plenty of male spies hanging out in the woman’s lingerie department. Sadly I’ve only encountered those single mothers and frustrated 40-somethings who are looking for some ‘rampant rabbits’. Not sure what that is, so I just fooked off to look at the computer games. And I don’t think ASDA sells rabbits, not live ones anyway!

Even the till girls are casting their spell. You know the ones I mean, the student-types who you know will be doing admin at the town hall, when they pass their course. Seems a waste, doesn’t it? But at times, your eyes seem to be stuck on them rather than your products, which she is scanning through the till.

But you’ve got no chance with these girls I’m afraid lads. Empty-headed researches believe that many people meet their future partners in supermarkets. Sorry but that’s just bollocks – women here would just tell you to fook off or ring the fuzz like they do in your local pub. I mean how embarrassing would be to get rejected in front of some melons or ‘down the chocolate aisle’? They are just there to look at, boys - don’t touch as they are probably already with some steroid-filled twat who could smash your face in with one punch. That’s the way of the world I’m afraid – women just don’t go for real men like you or me.

Anyway, I would like to salute these women for ‘keeping it real’ and providing male shoppers with a reason for going out, apart from work and the pub! Cheers girls!

Violence, Lies and Fish on Videotape – Welcome to a run-of-the-mill Wigan Athletic match!

2009-03-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

So after last Wednesday’s match with West Hammmmmmmmmmm at the JJB, empty-headed journalists have been writing their usual crap about how the ‘beautiful game’ should not involve a bit of violence. Violence? If that was violent then what is ‘Tom and Jerry’, a children’s cartoon, classed as?

Okay fair enough, there were two awful tackles which deserved red cards, Wigan’s Lee Cattermole got his when he jumped in with both feet against Scott ‘The Fish’ Parker but only after Lee nearly had his leg taken off by Lucas Neil, who only got a yellow. But that wasn’t the full story.

Earlier West Ham goal scorer, Carlton Cole (who scored one of the best goals of the season in this match, by the way) was unfairly sent off for two yellows by 26 year-old ref Stuart Atwell. That’s right, every time you hear the name ‘Stuart Atwell’ expect his age to be in the same sentence! Because, according to the poison scribbles by journalists, it’s illegal and a sin to be a 26 year-old referee in the self-styled ‘best league in the world’.

Cole didn’t exactly deserve his red card, his first challenge should not have warranted a booking but his second was a yellow card – raising your foot near a opposing players head is dangerous play, no matter if you ‘had your eyes on the ball’. Booked earlier in the game, resident West Hammmmmmmmm knobhead Scott Parker went bananas after spotting that Michael Brown was causing mischief during Cole’s sending off. Now if this is true fair enough but Parker’s reaction alone was worth a second yellow but 26 year-old Atwell bottled it. In any other normal game, attempts at spitting at the crowd and making rude hand gestures towards them would have got you a red card too. But we didn’t hear about that in the match reports and analysis by so-called ‘experts’, did we?

Into the second half and with Latics getting a firm hold of the game, Lucas Neil decided it would be a good idea to slam his studs into Cattermole’s ankle. A challenge that would have been a red card 99 times of 100. But the baby-faced referee (who’s 26 by the way) bottled it again after, no doubt, some intervention by Parker. Being a young lad and clearly pissed off, Cattermole lost his temper and lunged two-footed at Parker, not long after the Neil incident. Parker rolled around like he had broken both of his legs and Lee was, quite rightly, sent off. Point is though, that Parker should not have been on the pitch to wind him up. Infact, West Hammmmmmmm should have been down to 8 men!

But that was it for Latics, who just couldn’t get that elusive equaliser. We didn’t really deserve anything out of the game but it makes you wonder what would have happened if we didn’t have a referee that couldn’t control the game. Does his age play a factor? Maybe but he needed to firm with players but wasn’t. Once Parker got away with his hissy fit (which saw Brown booked for ‘aggressive behaviour’, while Parker got nothing) he knew he had the ref in his pocket. His impression of a fish was bad but his Lazarus was a lot better. Just minutes after the Cattermole ‘assault’ he was running around like a dog who’s just seen a Korean standing over him, with a knife and a mad look in his eyes.

But my main hatred is for those media types. Those who can’t be arsed to do any research and just write the first thing that comes into their tiny minds. I know for a fact that I could do a lot better, I bet you could. It’s partly the fault of these people that the game is like it is. The Premier League is so far up its own arse, it’s unbelievable. Journalists, pundits and fans alike, laugh with Ronlado for his ability to constantly dive then praise him for his latest piece of poncy ‘skill’. And yet they moan when the twat gets what he deserves – Newcastle’s Stephen Taylor slapping him in the face! That is football my friends, a man’s game, where cheating and dishonesty is punished. It’s just a shame it takes the players to do that and not the referee’s!

The 'Horror Tackle'

The Lancashire Hotpots - Pot Sounds - REVIEWED!

2009-03-04T07:24:00.000-08:00

Forget Oasis, The Lancashire Hotpots are the North West’s premier band! It may have been broken up in the 70’s but many people who live in the North West are proud to refer to themselves as Lancastrians, me included! So its great to show that pride, when four college lecturers from St. Helens decide to set up a comedy folk band, singing about modern day life – they are The Lancashire Hotpots.

With songs such as ‘EBay Eck’, ‘Me PSP’ and the immortal anthem ‘Chippy Tea’ the lads have established a following in the local area. Recently, they’ve ventured all around the country, down to London and even to our rival county – Yorkshire!

With the help of the internet, the band have shifted many copies of their debut album ‘Never Mind The Hotpots’ and their live CD and DVD. All well worth checking out but I am here to review their latest album – Pot Sounds.

The album certainly sounds different to what we’re used to, with it taking on more of a country and western theme, as well as the tradition folk sound. It’s also easy to spot which songs they’ve ripped off (or ‘out of copyright’ – as the band call them) with the opener being taken from another Lancashire folk band – The Houghton Weavers. Although ‘Keys Wallet Phone’ sounds much better than the original! It’s a fine opener which leads nicely into ‘I Fear Ikea’, which underlines the bands anger at the Swedish furniture giant, nicely fitted in to the style of another well known folk song.

Track 3 is one of my favourites – ‘I Heart YouTube’. In the style of a barbershop quartet which a Lancashire accent, singing about the (in) famous video site. Wonderful! ‘Uncle Bernard’ is a lovely nostalgic trip back to the 80’s, with the lead singer giving his rather odd-sounding nieces and nephews a taste of the decade that time forgot! Track 5, ‘Dierdre’ (yes, that is spelt right!), is a piece of advice to people who download from the internet. The song deserves praise just for the line ‘Have a look for that Grand Theft Auto, Wigan edition’ at the end of the song!

Track 6 is the short but sweet, global warming-themed ‘Don’t Make The Polar Bears Cry’, which is probably the most political song the band has done! Track 7 ‘ESC ALT & F4’ is one of favourites. Backing vocalist Willie takes the lead vocals on this and warns us lads about the risk of watching ‘specialist European videos’ while the missus is out at the bingo. The chorus goes, ‘ESC ALT & F4 When your missus walks through the door. When you’ve been watching those naughty films that you don’t want to watch anymore.’ - Genius! (ESC ALT & F4 closes any window on your computer btw!).

Track 8 stands head and shoulders above most, as one of the best Hotpots songs. ‘Chav’ is the band’s statement about modern day Britain. The tracksuited terrors can’t escape the band’s lampooning, with the song being set to a Wild West theme! But the lyrics are superb, ‘Back in day when I where young, I remember very well, Boys where Boys and Girls where Girls, it where clear you could tell. But nowadays, I’m not so sure, the fashion’s up the wall – and it’s wrong.’ The chorus is easy to sing-along ‘C stands for Clone. H - horrible. A – Arrogant. V – Very annoying. CHAV! CHAV! CHAV! CHAV! If the band don’t release this as a single, I’ll be very disappointed!

Track 9 is probably my least favourite but it’s still a good one! ‘Indie Disco’ is a good description of the 21st century Indie kids, who are so far removed from ‘proper’ Indie music scene. Sorry just my personal hatred of everything 21st century! Next track, ‘BOGOFF’ is a wonderful romp about supermarket bargains. It’s very hard not to like this song, the lyrics and music just come together so well! That’s saying something as the chorus contains words such as ‘kitty-cat litter’ and ‘full fat yogurt’! ‘The Beer Olympics’ explores the bands ideas about getting drinking beer into the 2012 Olympics. At last! Something I can enter!

The final two tracks complete the album brilliantly well. ‘On The Box’ is a great moan about modern day television. ‘Stick your digi-box where the sun don’t shine’. I agree lads! However the final track is the Hotpots at their best. ‘The Girl From Bargain Booze’ is a wonderful skit of mushy love songs and Robbie William’s ‘Angels’. Which lyrics like ‘She gives me hope, she gives me dreams. She gives me free Harvey’s Bristol Creams. She’s amazing, she’s fine - she’s doing Gordon’s Gin at 10.99. And she whispers and calls me darling– as we roll around the cans of Carling.’ How can you not have an affair with this song?

Overall, I reckon the album is better than ‘Never Mind The Hotpots’ in terms of the overall production. The songs just sound much better, not that the first album is badly produced but I just feel that the songs on ‘Pot Sounds’ are in the best possible order, which maintains the quality all the way through. For me, ‘ESC ALT & F4’, ‘Chav’ and ‘The Girl From Bargain Booze’ are the standout tracks.

Rating 5/5

So get on ITunes, Play.com or wherever and grab yourself a copy. The band also tirelessly play gigs and you can check out where they’ll be (and listen to some tracks) at http://www.myspace.com/thelancashirehotpots

The Non-Sexist (Honest, Officer) But Quite Informative, Weather Girl Awards

2009-02-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

We all know that the weather in this country isn’t great but at least we don’t have minging Weather Girls! So with this in mind, may I present – ‘The Non-Sexist (Honest, Officer) But Quite Informative, Weather Girl Awards’. Of course there is no outright winner, that’s up to you, pervert! So here we are with the cream of the current weather girls, if I’ve missed any out, please let me know!

Becky Mantin (ITV, various)

A well-travelled girl, she as worked for ITV, FIVE, and SKY. She’s also appeared on ‘This Morning’ as a roving reporter, but recently joined the ITV national weather team full time.

Jo Blythe (ITV)

We all know her as Granada’s pin-up girl, but she’s been cheating on us lads, she also does the weather for Yorkshire and The Borders, apart from nationally! She’s my personal favourite by the way! Was voted 4th in a 2006 poll of FHM readers, for the ‘sexiest weather girls’.

Lisa Burke (SKY)

Apparently this Sky News pin-up, turned down a chance to do a PhD, instead she started to work for Sky News. Good choice love! In 2001 she was apparently voted the ‘sexiest weather girl of all time’ by a poll ran by Powergen.

Chrissie Reidy (ITV)

Started her career on ‘The Big Breakfast’ when they held a comepetion to find ‘the next weather prestener’. Apparently some overated televison prestenter, in the mould of Tim Lovejoy, called Steve Jones (of ‘T4’ fame) was also in that competition. She reached the finals and a year later, in 2001, started on ITV. She can be seen in the London region now.

Lisa Gallagher (BBC)

She is apparently from Bolton, but the girl saw sense and moved out as soon as she could, before she grew that sixth digit on each hand. Unfortualey she didn’t come to the bright lights of WN5, instead she worked at Manchester airport – as an air hostess! She worked for BBC News 24 but now works for BBC Yorkshire.

Gemma Humphries (ITV)

Works for ITV in the Meridian region (south & south east). She was at the BBC, before joining ITV. She took the oppourtinty to take over as the main prestener on the Meridian programme in 2002. Personally, that’s not all she can take over!

Lara Lewington (FIVE, various)

If only I had the money of Bill Gates as well as my own dashing good looks, then Lara & Jo would be the top of my Christmas list. Apart from being a weather and news prestener on FIVE, she has appeared in many shows, such as ‘The Pepsi Chart’, the (briefly) revived ‘It’s A Knockout’ BBC Three’s ‘Liquid News’, ‘Big Brother’s Big Mouth’, Newsnight and ‘Win, Lose or Draw’. So there’s a good range of choices, lads!

Elizabeth Saary (BBC)

Hosts the national weather on the BBC Ten O’clock News. She apparently has a BC’s in Geography, well I’ve got a ASBO from Worsley Hall University, so I’m sure she’ll find time to pop down to the Jacuzzi, to chat about it, along with myself, Jo and Lara.

………………………….AND FINALLY

The Weather Girls (SHITE)

No weather girl poll would be complete, without an honourable mention of the old ‘Two Tons O’ Fun’. Famous for songs such as ‘Raining Men’ and ‘Can You Feel It’. These songs have inspired a generation to turn gay. So cheers girls, that leaves more women for sexist bastards like me!

What’s That Coming Over The Hill? (with a packet of fags and a bottle of Lambrini) Is It A Chav? Is It A Chav?

2009-02-04T15:36:00.000-08:00

I’ve got wind of a battle going down on the streets of Britain. With a swish of a black cloak and the lighting up of a ciggie, Goths and Chavs go to war!

Britain has had its own fair share of ‘culture wars’, more notability the Mods and the Rockers, in the 1960/70’s. Now in the 21st century, two new groups are ‘at it’ - Goths, famous for wearing black, wearing make-up (yes, even the lads) and listening to death music. The Chavs are almost a complete opposite, stripy jumpers, tracksuits, Rockport’s and ASBO’S.

I sent my ‘home boys’ to investigate:

CHAVS

Seen as the ‘underclass’ of Britain, we however don’t believe this. Our chav seemed at home with his ‘bitch’ (who is pregnant with her third child, and is only 15) and a few ciggies. Smiling and taking a swig of his Colt 45 special brew, he explains about his culture. “It’s f**king safe man, yer know whatta mean? We think that wearing Paul Smith and Burberry is mint.”

What do you for a living? “Nowt, yet man. The Jobcentre are already paying Becks (his ‘bitch’) for Britney and Kylie (his and Becks children) so, we’re sorted for now. I trained as a bricklayer at college though.”

That’s great, do you have any plans to return to it, for your kids? “No man, my bro (not his brother, his mate) keeps me in weed and beer so I’m okay.”

What sort of music do you listen to? “Some dance, rap that’s about it, that Busta Ryhmes is safe as f**k!”

Bearing in mind your girlfriend is only 15, do you treat her from time to time? “Yeah, of course I do man! My bro gets hold of some White Lighting every now and then.”

Bearing in mind you’ve got a young family, do you intend to learn how to drive? “Don’t need to man, I’ve bin driving since I was 7. My bro’s got a new 1995 Fiesta and its f***ing good s**t man!”

I notice you’ve got a dog. “Yeah man, that’s Rocky it’s a pit bull, but its soft as s**t."

It looks pretty viscous. “Nah man, its only bit two people and one of them was me.”

What do you think of Goths? “Me and my crew go tw***ing them every Sunday at the park, there’re proper morbid f***ers.”

Any chance you and them could become mates? “Like f**k! They shouldn’t be dissing my homies. Now where’s my 20 superkings you offered me for this chat, man?”

Thanks to our Chav for the interview!

GOTHS

Goths are not so difficult to spot, taking their name from an early Northern European tribe, they wear all black, make up their faces white and listen to death metal, such as Cradle Of Filth.

We tracked down a Goth and she gladly let us interview her.

So why do Goths wear all black? “It sets us apart from the crowd, we don’t care what other people think, we are Goths and everyone else can just go away.”

What do you do for fun? “We just meet and have a chat every now and then, I’m at college, studying Art, so we meet often.”

You’ve got a reputation for witchcraft and believing in Vampires, do you? “Of course, you wouldn’t be a Goth if you didn’t. Personally I’m a practising Witch, my witch name is Gimmiesex Blossom.”

What ‘magic’ do you specialise in? “Just karma spells, if someone does something bad, then I’ll cast a spell!”

What stereotypes do you often deal with? “Them Chavs, they’ve got bad karma, they reckon we f**k animals – as if!”

(Screws up and throws away next question) So, I understand you and Chavs don’t see eye to eye, why? “They are just horrible. They think, just because you’re a Goth, you need a good kicking, well we dish out as much as we get.”

What do you think of their lifestyle? “Nothing, if they want to have kids when their 14, then that’s their problem, I’ll wait till I’m 45, thanks.”

So you have plans to get married? “Yes, but not yet, maybe when I’m 40. I want to enjoy life first, while I’m young."

Chavs describe you as ‘morbid’, do you agree with this statement? “No, we are in touch with our spiritual-dark side and karma will get them sooner or later.”

Some people are scared by your image, what do you say to reassure them? “Normally I would say f**k them, but it isn’t good karma. So I’ll say, don’t be afraid, we are not the enemy, them scummy Chavs and Chavette’s are the groups that people shouldn’t tolerate.”

Thanks for your time, I’ll just nip into the pub to get you half a lager.

Thanks to our Goth, hopefully you now know how the different teenage groups of Britain think, because we don’t!

Latics Beat The Warriors!

2008-12-28T16:39:00.000-08:00

Warbury Warriors that is!

Latics recently featured in the 'Striker' comic strip which is printed in The Sun newspaper. You can read it below (right-click on the pictures to save them, and you may have to zoom in too!). Cheers to Les Bagg from the Mudhuts forum for posting them.

The Great Christmas Robbery

2008-12-10T07:29:00.000-08:00

At the moment, I couldn’t hate all this fuss over Christmas as much as I do now. Bah Humbug! You Scrooge Bastard! You may say, but don’t forget, Scrooge wasn’t the only one ripping off workers at that time.

Fast forward to 2008 and Gordon Brown has told people to find work or they’ll have their benefits cut. Meanwhile, everyone’s being made redundant and British companies are going down the shitter. Great idea Gordon, very tactless!

But it isn’t just this fabled ‘Credit Crunch; that is nothing new to people who have been living in a council house, that has been getting on my wick, it’s the fact that people start to celebrate it about 6 months beforehand! Okay maybe that’s going a little too far but still having Christmas advertisements in September is every little bit as tactless as Brown, considering the current financial plight of those who borrow more than they can afford.

But don’t worry, there’ll be duels in the supermarket as people will be fighting over the last turkey, as pistols are drawn and hankies fall. And they’ve already got 4 of Bernard Matthew’s finest - each! Christmas doesn’t half bring out the nasty side in people, who you will always see shopping on Christmas Eve, despite starting their shopping 4 months ago. It becomes on obsession with them, no wonder people are moaning that they are in debt – STOP BUYING THINGS YOU CAN’T FUCKING AFFORD!

Maybe it’s a little bit of jealousy on my part. I’m not really expecting anything this Christmas, a quick fumble with a lady on Christmas Eve would do me fine but that’s just blind optimism! But why would I be jealous of people who get themselves into a tizz over buying expensive presents for people they have to work with? Secret Santa? Bollocks Santa, more like! No I’m fine with just buying a present for a couple of people and using my money to buy a couple of drinks for friends – isn’t that what Christmas should be about?

The meaning of Christmas is so far removed from the one that the church preaches but anyone that receives gold for a present, quickly loses favour with yours truly! No but I do feel for those genuine Christians (those that are not the ‘scary ones’, anyway) who try and practise their faith, when some fat slags in a hired limo drive past shouting and screaming, whilst drinking lambrini and on their way to a night out.

Christmas has now just melted into a money making period for unscrupulous companies, just like Easter has (BUY AN EGG!) along with Halloween (DRESS UP AND LOOK LIKE A T**T!) and Valentines Day (BUY YOUR PARTNER A CARD – OR YOU’LL GET DUMPED!), which are pure inventions by those said companies anyway. Its ridiculous, overpriced and the real meaning of spending time with your family and friends has now been replaced by a game of ‘who can buy the best presents’.

The only decent thing about Christmas is the drinking. But even that has now taken a nose dive, much like Kate Moss on a line. We’ve got ‘drink responsibly’ and ‘wear a condom’ ads everywhere – how the bloody hell I’m supposed to pull this year? Even Wigan’s Boxing Day fancy dress isn’t as funny as it was. The town centre management and the bars are now ENCOURAGING it, which isn’t what it should be like. It was far more fun when they looked on with a scowl on their face but they couldn’t do anything about it – with literally, 1000’s of people in fancy dress!

And speaking of my beloved hometown and their awful town centre management, it says it all when we have Luke from Big Brother switching on the Christmas lights. Blackpool have had David Tennant, we have had McFly and now some dick from Swinley! But why should they worry, the new multi-million quid, ironically-titled, Grand Arcade is doing well - while the empty, soulless, once proud Galleries is crumbling away. If you want to sum up my town’s management – look at the old town hall, half of it knocked down and the other half looking like nothings been done to it since the 70’s. Whilst across the road, the old police station is looking like a white elephant, whilst the council continue to invest in new buildings. I just don’t get it.

Money. That’s what Christmas is all about, its shame nobody has much of it anymore.

Re. - Human Bear Baiting - With Jerermy Kyle

2008-11-14T18:01:00.000-08:00

In reply to my own post about the Jeremy Kyle Show - I stumbled upon this video on YouTube. It’s the most astonishing piece of chat show I’ve seen! For once, Kyle talks sense but the male guest is an absolute dick and I hope he’s been the victim of a few slaps back home. Just feel sorry for his wife and kids.

Enjoy!

Let's Hear It For The Boys!

2008-11-12T16:27:00.001-08:00

Shocking. There’s not a word that I can find better for the ‘performance’ in last night’s match. Wigan Athletic a team of men, lost 3-0 against an Arsenal team made up of their youth team.

It’s great for a neutral spectator. The future of football is looking great and all that. How many of their players where actually English though? Not many but Jay Simpson and Jack Wilshere look great prospects for England. But whether or not they’ll ever get anywhere in Aresne Wenger’s foreign legion of a first team, is another matter.

As for the match? Arsenal deserved to win but we defiantly contributed to their win. Our players just didn’t close down and put pressure on their youngsters. Our set-pieces where utter shite. We should have been out-muscling these kids but we didn’t and we got spanked.

The players lacked any passion and didn’t look arsed. Chris Kirkland, who made some blinding saves, was the only one to come out of the match with any credit.

Maybe if the match was played at the JJB it would have been different. But all credit to Arsenal for providing rock-bottom prices for a Carling Cup match. Their fans where definitely the 13th man for them, with ref their 12th man after he didn’t give Latics a penalty, for a blatant handball, when the score was 1-0! Latics could learn a lot - £15 to watch Latics play Notts County? We’re a joke on and off the pitch, I’m afraid.

So how does this translate to our league form? Hopefully we can improve from here because we can’t sink any lower. Can we?

Ross & Brand - A Satanic Witchunt (From Barcelona)

2008-11-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

I love wind ups. But I love to hate that cunt Russell Brand even more. Sorry for the awful language but I’m writing to Oxford Publishing to include his name alongside the said word in the next edition of their dictionary.

But what is all the fuss about? Well the prick who tries to dress as a Edwardian but looks fucking stupid, as he talks utter shite and his ‘mate’s T.V presenter Jonathon Ross, rang up telly legend Andrew Sachs (Manuel in Fawlty Towers) boasting that ex-drug addict Brand had sex with his granddaughter, Georgina Baillie. Georgina happens to be a stripper, sorry, a ‘burlesques dancer’ - who dances in Goth group ‘Satanic Sluts’..

Reading that, it sounds harmless but I don’t think shouting ‘I shagged your granddaughter’ down the phone to a 70-something former actor, is funny. Brand is probably in the Ashley Cole boat of being very unlikeable. The man reeks of arrogance and I can’t still fathom out why people like him. Comedian? Even, a pissed Jimmy Carr is funnier! The ‘life-long’ West Ham fan is now believed to be trying to start a career in America. Good riddance to him, we’ve been getting rid of our rubbish there for the last 300 years!

I used to like Jonathon Ross. But for the last few years he has been desperately trying to keep hugging the limelight. His chat show seems a vehicle for him to fawn over famous people and try to make himself look good. Well people start to tire after you and Ricky Gervais have yet another love-in and chat about how you are ‘best buddies’. Fuck off Wossy and go and play with your Japanese things.

The media have jumped on this and dragged it out to the realms of unnecessary-ness. Sachs doesn’t seem interested in the circus and says he wants the matter to end. Brand has ‘resigned’ from the BBC whilst Wossy has been suspended for 12 weeks, losing about a million quid. That’s right, the man earns a million quid for 3 months ‘work’ For fooks sake! Thanks to the pair’s stupidity, this affair has also cost BBC Radio 2 controller, Lesley Douglas, her job. But I still don’t understand why the pre-recorded segment of the deadly duo undertaking their quest, was broadcast in the first place?

Now I’m off watch a bit of Satanic Sluts to calm down, I might give Russell a bell…

Cashley and the Borat's

2008-10-13T11:35:00.001-07:00

I’ve gone on record as saying that I couldn’t really give a shit about England anymore. The team is full of arrogant cocks who earn more in a week than what normal people do in seven years. A man who typifies this is Ashley Cole.

He ballsed up in Saturday’s match against Kazakhstan, after he passed the ball to them and they scored. The fans then booed him for the rest of the match but why?

Now I’m not saying it was right to boo him but I suspect the booing was for who he is, rather than his mistake. The man has gone on record for being ‘so outraged that Arsenal ONLY OFFERED HIM £55k A WEEK’ that he nearly crashed his car. His off-the field activities are well documented. What with the rumoured ‘mobile phone incident’ (Google it!) and his cheating on his ‘popstar’ wife, the man sums up what pricks today’s footballers are.

But it’s never right to boo your own players. You should always get behind them during the match and encourage them. Booing them whilst the match is still going on, can only make them worse. You can always boo the useless bastards after the match!

But the fans aren’t in the right. Many of whom are clueless anyway. They go for the day out and for the opportunity of seeing Wayne, Lamps and Becks. That isn’t what watching football is about. You should get behind your team from the first whistle to the last, shout encouragement to all your players and abuse the referees/opposition players. Although not abuse as in against the law, not like Spurs fans with Sol Campbell anyway! But I’m sure you get my point. The day-trippers at Wembley proved how clueless they where by wetting themselves when Beckham came on. Why?

It brings me to the question whether or not we needed a new home for the England football team. I’m not saying that we didn’t need a new national sporting stadium but England where a far better team when they played around the country for the best part of six years. England arguably played their best football for 30 years and without cruel penalty shootouts, they might have achieved something in the major tournaments.

I think that the negativity generated by day-trippers to Wembley filters down to the players and they looked almost reluctant to play there. The saying in football is ‘You should always aim to win your home games’, well England’s record at the new Wembley isn’t great and the day-trippers booing at every opportunity doesn’t help players feel comfortable at home and allows the opposition to get at them..

As for the match? It wasn’t great but England are always capable of scoring goals, no matter who they play upfront. Okay Heskey can’t hit a cow’s arse with an aeroplane, but his ‘set up play’ is second to none. If that man could score 15+ goals a season, he’ll be playing for Barcelona! Credit to Kazakhstan for coming out and playing football and not just putting 10 men behind the ball. But that won’t stop me posting a racially-dubious photo of Borat!

See!

Swan Dives and Sing, Sing, Sing!

2008-10-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

Sunday 28th September
Wigan Athletic 2 - 1 Manchester City
Premier League
JJB Stadium Attendance: 18.214

So what a day it was going to be! Watching Latics take on Man City at the JJB, then running the risk of catching a train to Manchester to watch the band ‘Travis’, with a load of City fans! It was quite fun to say the least!

The match turned out to be a good ‘un! I didn’t see most of it though – as the sun shined straight through to the East Stand, so I couldn’t see a frigging thing! To cap it off, I missed Valencia’s ‘wonder strike’ as I looked away when he shot and looked back again when everyone was jumping about. Typical!

City equalised though not long after, Vincent Kompany poking home a free-kick. It was an example of Latics ‘pissing about’ at the back, something which would continue to get on my wick later on!

Latics could have easily dropped their heads but we didn’t allow City any time on the ball and fought for everything. The talking point of match was soon to follow as Wilson Palacios made a ridiculous ‘dive’ after he was clipped inside the box. It does look bad but I’m with Steve Bruce on this one – Wilson was just trying to get out of the defender’s way. How would anyone believe that a dive like that would con a referee? It was a penalty though – there was contact and Wilson would have ran ahead of the defender if he didn’t throw himself out of the way! The tireless Amr Zaki put the penalty away and Latics 2-1 up.

City fans were moaning that they’ve been cheated. They must have very short memories not to remember their lucky play-off win against Latics in 1999. A handball goal by Shaun Goater and a clear foul on Latics’ defender Kevin Sharp, in the box, went unpunished and City went through to the final. So sod them!

Latics managed to fend off City in the second half but it wasn’t without its ‘heart-in-the-mouth moments’! Chris Kirkland made a great save from Shaun Wright-Phillips, Titus Bramble cleared a shot off the line and just plain bad finishing from City! Latics had their chances too and were good value for their win. Amr Zaki was superb and worked tirelessly and chased down everything. In injury time he beat two players on the edge of the box before seeing his shot tipped over the bar by Joe Hart. If that went in, it would have brought the house down. He deserved the standing ovation at the end, as he came around and saluted all three stands and was the last off the pitch. Sign him up permanently NOW!

Credit to the Latics fans for making a great atmosphere as well, something that was picked up on by the live Sky Sports broadcast of the match and the MOTD highlights, later.

For me, I had to rush off to Manchester to watch Travis. I’ve been a fan for years and I’ve not really had the chance to go and see them live before, so I was quite excited! When we got to the station, however, we where met by 100’s of Man City fans and the police – great! After a word with the fuzz, we had to queue up with all the cavemen Mancs to catch their train.

Even though we didn’t pay, the train was aloud with songs, some disgraceful ones about Munich at that and the fact that the train threatened to spilt open every time it gained speed or turned a corner! We just kept our heads down and didn’t let anyone know we were Latics fans, as my hand felt for the match ticket, I had sticking out of my pocket!

So we got to ‘The Ritz’ in good time and just managed to catch the support band, ‘The Republic Tigers’ (http://www.myspace.com/therepublictigers) who were pretty good but we had come to see Travis and after what seemed like ages a blue head came onto a screen, with some dialogue that I can’t remember and suddenly the band came out from the darkness and played ‘Chinese Blues’. The song is from the new album, which is well worth a listen. It’s more rockier than what people associate with Travis and I would recommend you get yourself a copy! (http://www.myspace.com/travis)

Overall it was a great gig, a sing-along was had by all, as ‘Turn’, ‘Sing’, ‘Writing To Reach You’, ‘Driftwood’, ‘Side’, ‘Selfish Jean’, ‘Closer’ etc where all banged out. There was even a slight technical hitch as one of the banjos gave out! Whoops! But soon it was time to leave, as we had to catch the train. We stayed to listen the first two songs of the encore but as the strains of 'Flowers In The Window', were ebbing away I decided I had quite enjoyed myself!

I’m defiantly going to try to see them again soon! It really is better seeing a band in the flesh, rather than hearing them or seeing their videos. You can’t beat live music!

Oh and a word too for the venue, The Ritz – 3.50 FOR A PINT OF LAGER, FFS!!!! (Although for some reason, I only got charged half for the first round - RESULT!)

We got back to Wigan in good time and I just got whacked on ‘chemical bitter’ and god knows what time I got home - just like old times then!

So all-in-all a successful Sunday, three points for the Latics and a decent gig and night out. Just disappointed that we had to leave early!

We're The Richest Club On The World - Oh No You're Not! - Latics vs Man City Preview

2008-09-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

It really pisses me off when people say that. City aren’t the richest club in the world - their owners are the richest people to own a football club. The club’s profit margin is about as red as a tampax.

So with the newly crowned ‘richest club in the world’ (yuk!), coming to the JJB on Sunday – can Latics cope with them? We’ve never lost against them, in the Premiership, so I’m quietly confident. Apart from Robinho and Shaun Wright-Phillips, I can’t really see where they are better than us, on the pitch.

But it’s nice to see City suddenly causing shockwaves amongst the ‘Big Four’. Their new Arab owners have already paid £32 million for Brazilian superstar Robinho and are prepared to spend even more money in January, money that dwarfs the amount spent by Chelsea's Roman Abramovich.

I am getting sick of seeing some Mancs, complete with tea towel on head and a toothless grin, having orgasms every time they are interviewed by some TV/radio crew. These are the same fans who over the years have been moaning about their team’s lack of success and the money spent by other teams. It’s very sad for English football and I can only see a worldwide salary cap fixing this problem of teams buying themselves trophies.

Hopefully we’ll have a crowd of around 20,000 for this match, but I doubt it. Despite having Britain’s most expensive footballer on show, the rest of the town’s football lovers will be watching on SKY. I’m sure there'll be a good atmosphere (at the ground!) though!

Finally, after almost 10 years of moaning from fans – the club have decided to put televisions on the concourses! So if you nip out for a wee or a pint, you won’t miss any of the action! Shame it’s took them 9 seasons!

As for the game, I don’t really do predictions but I’ll be happy with a point!

Monks + Drunks + Mud = Youth Football

2008-09-20T07:28:00.000-07:00

If anyone doesn’t know me or is new to this blog, then you’ll know my favourite pastime is football. It’s my favourite subject, apart from computers, Doctor Who and drinking real ale, or any ale!

As a youngster I played football on Saturday mornings at Wigan Juniors. The old Robin Park was followed by Pemberton High School then the ‘big pitches’ at Little Lane (our ‘home ground’) and various venues across the borough. They were great times, just a few kids having a load of ‘fun’ pissing about in inches of mud and water. How I miss it!

I have played at some bizarre places. A school for monks (St. Joseph’s in Up Holland, I believe) was probably the strangest. We had to get changed in a barn-like changing room and had to keep quiet as it would disturb the monks! We ended up winning that game as well! The whole area in and around Leigh is considered bizarre anyway but I have never played in so much mud in my life! I forget who we played but the field belonged to a local school and after getting changed in the lovely warm surroundings of the P.E changing rooms, we where met with a pitch that wouldn’t allow the ball to roll 2 yards! There was more water on the pitch than in Wigan Baths! How the game went ahead I don’t know!

Another game with terrible conditions was one in Ashton (I think!), you had to walk round a moat to get there and it must have been -1 and not a centigrade higher! I think we won that game too! One of the best venues I always liked playing, was at Captain’s Lane. They had a decent ground but one of the lad’s parents owned the pub across the road, so they where always generous with their hospitality and laid on a buffet after a match!

Perhaps the best ground I’ve played at is Blackpool’s Bloomfield Road, just before they ruined it by knocking down all four stands and just building two new ones! Although the pitch was cut nicely, it was very bumpy and the changing rooms where awful. We still won though 1-0 and celebrated with a day out in Blackpool!

But perhaps my favourite moment was the trip to Belgium. In a town, just outside Antwerp, we played in the ‘Friendship Cup’, against teams from Belgium, Holland and Dudley! I think we finished 4th in our age group overall, only losing two games. We were really only outclassed in one match – only because half the team was pissed from the night before! So don’t take any 14 year-olds to Belgium – they’ll serve anybody! I ended up scoring in one of matches, not against a foreign team but against lads from Birmingham! Brilliant eh? They where sound lads though and we had a nice chat on the ferry back.

I’ve been part of some great games also. Once we were 4-0 down at half-time, to a team that my school mate was in. I came on at half-time and we ending up winning 5-4! Not that I had anything to do with it of course but I did shore up that defence! That was a great moment, the parents seemed more delighted than the lads! Another one is where we played a team that hadn’t been beaten in 4 years. They were a little bit arrogant, were Hindsford but we beat them 1-0 at the Stadio de Little Lane and guess who shored up the midfield? Yours truly!

Not that I was brilliant or anything. I could pull ‘something spectacular out of hat’ at times but I did all the Michael Brown-ish ‘donkey work’ across the midfield, sometimes at the back. I was disappointed to stop when I did, I was just starting to get the hang of the game and looked good but my dad couldn’t take me to the football anymore, so that was that!

Another aspect I used to love was the 5-a-side tournaments. Wigan Juniors always used to host one, every year on St. Marks school field, which just happened to be my school. It was great! Always exciting, even though we won nothing! It was more like a festival than anything else! Tents everywhere, selling clothes, food, football stuff and even had the odd team snuggled inside, when it rained! I did play in a few more 5/6-a-side tournaments in other places, even getting to a quarter final in one but never any further. The most success I’ve been part of was being an unused sub for a defeat in a cup final!

In fact the only thing I’ve won in football is a Boys Brigade 5-a-side tournament, when I was in the twilight of my career – at 16! But considering I was probably the oldest player there, playing against teams who had players ranging from 11-15, it’s hardly a great achievement!

Thanks to my eye-condition and the tendency to get drunk, I’m more of a ‘shouty bloke in the stands’, nowadays! If any women would be thick enough to have kids with yours truly, I would definitely try to get them into football at an early age (even if it’s a girl!). There’s nothing better, when you’re a kid, sliding in yards of mud and kicking your opponent for no reason at all - and your Mum bollocking you for not tying your bootlaces! Seeing grown men and women on the sidelines, screaming their heads off at the referee, because they want their kids to succeed because they never did. Like I would do that!

I think Wigan Juniors still exists, although with very low numbers at the new Robin Park. It’s a shame because it was great fun and in this day and age, kids need all the exercise they can get! A Nintendo Wii can’t re-create that kind of excitement!

Theo And The Cavemen Of Croatia

2008-09-12T07:02:00.000-07:00

So after England’s ‘thumping’ 4-1 against Croatia, everyone is suddenly singing the praises of the national side. I’m not. I’ve seen one too many false England’s, who have always come up short when it really mattered. To say that I became ‘disillusioned’ with England, under the reign of Steve McClaren, is an understatement.

The man who insisted on calling players by their nicknames, letting them get up to allsorts and being as tactically aware as a two-year old, lost the respect of the fans. Now he’s gone, we have Fabio ‘Cabbage Patch Doll’ Cappello in charge, he’s already ruffled a few feathers with the overpaid, lazy pricks that are the England players and long may that continue!

Wednesday’s performance was like seeing the England of 4 years ago, they played as a team for a start! We even have a new England ‘hero’ to fawn about – 19 year old Theo Walcott. You watch as our press and fans hype him up to be ‘the best footballer in the world’, before he cracks under the pressure and disappears into the bust of a fat ‘glamour model’ in some seedy London nightclub. We should just leave him alone and let him get on with his football. But it works both ways, Theo has got to keep himself to himself and not get involved with this sleazy world that footballers get embroiled in. Trust me – I’ve seen Dream Team!

Seriously though, look at David Beckham. A player that could have been so much better if he didn’t listen to his ‘popstar’ wife. There is one good thing about this though – England have got a lot of right-midfielders to choose from! Fair play to Theo’s club manager, Arsene Wenger, for keeping the young lad’s feet on the ground.

Which brings me to a man who is at the other end of his career – Wigan’s own Emile Heskey. Every team should have an Emile, I’m on to TY toys to make plush toys of him, because lets face it – he needs a soft arse after the amount of times he falls over! It seems the Croatian fans are not Emile fans though, they aimed ‘Monkey’ chants at him, during the match. It’s clear that we still have cavemen around in Eastern Europe, but FIFA won’t do anything. You can bet that if it was England fans, we would expect a ‘do it again and you’ll be banned from Europe’ threat. I think all this business has justified my conscious of chanting ‘Bosnia’ at the Croatians on telly!

It was pointed out on a messageboard, that I frequent, that it was great to see England flags from lower league teams at the game. These fans are proper fans, who follow their team through thick and thin, not these numpties who ‘support’ the ‘big 4’ or any other ‘big’ Premiership team. These fans spend all their hard earned on watching players who actually give a toss about their club and fans. So when they boo England for being crap, the likes of Frank Lampard is left scratching his head and crying to the press about it.

Will we qualify for the World Cup? I think we will but as for winning it, I’m not so sure. We always have the ability to go far, we certainly have a better squad, on paper, than most teams, but it’s not paper that wins you matches. Its hard work and the ability of not go out on the drink with some ‘glamour model’ and end up falling on your arse. So beware Theo, do anything wrong and the press of this country will make people believe you’re as evil as a murderous Islamic dictator or some idiot off Big Brother!

Wigan Rugby - Great For A Laugh!

2008-09-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

Well it’s a decision that shocked peanut-huggers in Scholes, Whelley and that hotbed of Wigan rugby fans – Westhoughton, Wigan Warriors will not play a ‘home’ playoff game, because Latics are playing the next day. This has had all the Neanderthals (which are very common in Wigan) foaming at the mouth and now are spouting shite about ‘getting revenge’ on Father Jack Whelan.

From the outside it looks like an unfair decision. The match is on the Friday whilst the football is on the Saturday. However, it seems Premier League rules prevent any other club playing at a ground less than 48 hours before a match. With the rugby being on SKY, the channel has insisted the game go ahead on the Friday. But the rugby aren’t owned by Dave Whelan anymore, he has the rights to the stadium, he can say who and when they play there.

I’m not sure if the play-off games are included in the lease, they mustn’t be. But the rugby and SKY have given very short notice to Latics and the PL, to change a fixture that was decided in JUNE. But of course the Ellgreen-wearing numpties don’t realise this and are venting their fury at everything not rugby-related.

Now I don’t understand why the klumps aren’t instead venting their frustrations at SKY as much as Whelan and the PL. Rules are rules. Football brings more money into the Stadium than the rugby – FACT. It’s very arrogant of them to think they have the right to say when they will play an extra fixture there after less than SIX DAYS NOTICE.

But why I am I so delighted at this news? This situation rings a familiar bell with (older) Latics fans. Latics played Liverpool in the League Cup in 1989, Latics, who were cash-strapped at the time, approached the rugby in order to use Central Park as it had a much larger capacity than Springfield Park. They and Wigan Council said no and the tie had to be switched. A tie that could have pulled Latics out from the finical mess they were in. It took money in buckets from loyal fans to keep them going, without it, there would be no ‘Living the dream in the Premier League’! I’m just happy for all those genuine Latics fans that have had to put up with all the sniggers and ‘rugby town’ attitude by almost everyone in the town.

Hopefully it’ll start the wheels in motion for the club to move to the ground they stole off Orrell, with Whelan’s help, when he owned all three Wigan clubs. Don’t get me wrong, Whelan is far from innocent but do you really think he would rather lose extra rent money on the Stadium, just to piss off the club he used to own? You’re living in a fantasy world if you do!

Then there is the Warriors chairman, Ian ‘Eric Pollard’ Lenagan. He has been well and truly been found out as a poor businessman, didn’t he read the lease? However, the main instigators of this are SKY. They won’t move their coverage to a Thursday night or Sunday afternoon. Whelan would gladly let the rugby play at the stadium and collect the £££’s, just not on the Friday and Saturday!

Now the ‘pie8eaters’ (where’s the sick bucket?) may be playing at either Warrington or Widnes, which is too far for some fans! Instead of supporting their team, they are concentrating on boycotting the match and protesting against everyone and everything. Even JJB, which Whelan doesn’t own anymore! If they do protest on Saturday, I can really seeing it kicking off. I wonder who’ll get the blame……

A few have even wished Dave Whelan dead, among other brainless things. Read their forums, it’s quite shocking and very unintelligent.

Well done WRLFC, always good for a laugh!

AFC Liverpool vs Wigan Robin Park - GOALS!

2008-09-08T06:01:00.001-07:00

My eternal thanks go to the lads who upped these videos, nice to see the Wigan fans going mental!

Wigan's 1st Goal (Ben Kay)

AFC Liverpool's Goal (Dean Thurston)

Wigan's Second Goal (Own Goal)

Check out this blog by Vaughanie for all the latest goings on at WRP.

Buses, Trains and Trams - On The Way To Watching Non-League Football

2008-09-07T06:16:00.001-07:00

Altrincham 0 - 0 Salisbury City
Saturday 6th September
Blue Square Premier
Moss Lane, Attendance: 1002

The game didn’t quite live up to expectations but I had a good time anyway, as I attended my first Salisbury City match. Salisbury is my ‘other team’ and due to the distance of the place, I’m unable to attend matches, until now.

For Saturday’s match took place at Altrincham, which is just on the other side of Manchester and only an hour and a bit train ride from Wigan. After a rather uneventful train journey (including a bus and tram ride!) I found myself in the Altrincham supporters club bar. It was great and is what clubs like Wigan should have, instead of turfing out genuine supporters and letting in all the corporate pricks. Which is another reason why my love affair with Latics and the Premiership in general, is slipping away.

After a couple of pints, I found myself on the terrace, programme in hand and watched the whole 90 minutes. And that’s it! I wish I could report something else but apart from the Salisbury keeper making a great save just before half-time, nothing really happened in the first half. However, Salisbury were probably the better side in the second half but couldn’t force a winner. It looks like I picked one of their poorest games of the season to watch!

But it was great to sample some Conference football for once, the ground was a ‘proper’ football ground and if the £12 entry fee keeps clubs like Altrincham going, then its money well spent. There was also some great banter between the 950 Altrincham fans and the 50-strong Salisbury contingent too! Credit to the club for having a supporters club though (and a club shop!), it certainly showed me what Latics are missing.

As I got back into Wigan, I went to the pub and watched the England match. I wished I hadn’t, it was a poor game and England scraped a 2-0 win, with both goals coming in the second half. If my love affair with Latics is starting to ebb away, then my England affair is surely dead in the water. I didn’t spot some part-time, shirt wearing, No7 Beckham, ponces hanging around though!

Later I was to find out that Wigan Robin Park had beaten AFC Liverpool, away, 2-1. A fantastic result against a side that was formed by disgruntled supporters of Liverpool and who had also won all their other previous matches. WRP are now 2nd in the league and things are looking up! I just wish I had attended this match instead – a lot of Wiganer’s made the trip to Prescott and helped to swell the crowd to 604!

So as I’m just starting my season watching as much lower league football as I can, things are looking up. Salisbury are still in the upper reaches of the Conference, in 4th, whilst WRP are 2nd, just a point behind AFC Liverpool. Here’s to more great football and days out!

Ode To Fans of NUFC - Throwing Season Tickets and Shirts In The River Tyne - It Won't Help, You Know!

2008-09-05T06:15:00.000-07:00

As I switched on the news and watched the thousands of kids and old men sing ‘Keegan’, outside St. James’s Park, I could only smile. Not that I’ve got anything against Newcastle United in any way, if I was in a fan, I would probably do the same but I’m not and therefore can look on from the outside, without barcode-coloured specs on.

My smile turned into a mocking laugh as I watched ‘interviews’ with local ruffians, some of whom weren’t even born when Keegan took Newcastle up to the Premiership in 1993 and almost to the title in 1995/96. Since then it’s been a slippery slope for the men in black (and white!), as they have failed to reach ‘their potential’. But what is that exactly? Do they have a god-given right to be in the top 6 because they get 50,000 fans a week? No, they don’t. Granted, the club has been run terribly and it makes my outbursts against Dave Whelan look very petty but presuming you are better, just because you support a team that has a larger catchment area than most clubs, is very arrogant!

The fans are always proud to say that they ‘get behind their team’ but do they? All I’ve heard in the last 10+ years is abuse for the players and management, hardly getting behind your team is it? The ‘team’ isn’t just the players, management and board, it’s the fans as well, remember it’s YOUR club after all. It seems though, that the fans just turn up for a bit of a moan and to be part of the soap opera that is N.U.F.C.

But I suppose the media don’t help. You can’t turn on Sky/Sentana Sports News without seeing some numpty interviewing some other numpty alongside the statue of ‘Wor Jackie’ or Oz from ‘Auf Wiedersehen Pet’. But the fans and their comments don’t help matters. One such ‘fan’ believed that there would be ‘no point’ in Newcastle United, if they continued the way that they where going. God help Rochdale, who have been stuck in League Two for 35 years, then!

Then there’s the kids who have been bullied into it by their Dads, who remember the promotion year in 93 or the signings of David Ginola, Les Ferdinand and Alan Shearer. Apart from a couple of years playing decent football, what did they achieve? Nothing. Their love for Keegan mystifies me, it really does. A man who has never won anything of note as a manager and who bottles it when things get tough. He did it the first time round at Newcastle, then at England and now he’s quit again, without any fight for his position.

To be fair though it is the fault of Mike Ashley and Dennis Wise, who have been undermining Keegan on transfers. A manager should always have the final say on who buys and sells but why couldn’t Keegan stand and fight? Why couldn’t he come out in the press and tell people what was going on? Mike Ashley wouldn’t dare sack him because the repercussions from the fans would have been a million times worse than they are now. Ashley was desperate to keep ‘King Kev’ on, if only to appease the fans. Now though, Keegan has perhaps made it easier for him in the long run. Ashley has to stick with it and bring in a decent manager who can lead them to a decent placed-finish. The fickle Geordie fans will soon be singing the praises of the Sports Direct mogul and the snarling little dwarf who isn’t so Wise!

Following Man City’s takeover by a group of Arab’s, Newcastle are further away from the top 6 than they have ever been. God knows, Wigan have a better chance at finishing higher than Newcastle!

And you what? I would love it, love it, if we beat them!

Blood, Sick and Tramps - On The Road To King Street

2008-09-03T07:40:00.001-07:00

Wigan has become a melting pot for drunken fights, people bring sick and horrible women lifting up their skirts for every passing, equally horrible men. No it isn’t a rugby match at the JJB, it’s the town centre nightlife!

Recently featured on Five’s ‘CCTV Cities’, Wigan’s King Street, was shown to be a haven for drunken pricks, drug dealers and people with all the dignity of an anorak who collects Gary Glitter records. But to be fair, it isn’t Wigan that is just like that, it seems to be a nationwide problem. As a proud Wiganer, it saddens me that we don’t dare to show some originality. We have to copy what other towns and cities do. Not just people’s lifestyles but the way in which the town centre pubs and clubs run things. The annual Boxing Day fancy dress is probably the only unique thing we have left.

My latest tirade comes hot on the heels of the apparent closure of The Tavern. It’s seems that another town centre pub has bitten the dust, as the King Street ‘superclubs’ get richer. Like most pubs, The Tavern was once a great place for live music, a bit of a drink (!), the odd burger (laced with salmonella!) and in some cases - a drunken sing-song! It’s even more of a shame when you consider how many pubs have shut doing the last couple of years. People, even in these tough economic times, seem to prefer paying through the nose for club entry, drinks and the oppounitiy to be patronised and bullied by the staff, whilst for a fraction of that outlay, they could enjoy a decent night in their local. Hopefully The Tavern will re-open as soon as possible and not become a soulless shop or an empty building like The Crofters.

I’m not against nightclubs (if that’s what their called nowadays) in any way, I sometimes go into them but I really don’t understand why people would want to spend more money, every week, just because they ’have good music’ (which is very debateable!). I understand that those are the places ‘to be seen’ at but why not have a change every so often? Spend a little time, pacing yourself, at one of the very few pubs we have left, have a nice drink and chat. But no, people just go out at 10.00pm neck a couple of alchopops, make a complete dick of themselves, try to listen, then 'dance' to deafening 'cheese' and end the night up in a police van, with a shoe/half their face missing. Classy place eh? I'm probably a fine one to talk! I always end up drunk most weekends but I don't feel the need to commit crime or make a prick of myself. I go out to have a good time and as I pace myself, with a lovely pint of best, I do!

King Street is home to a number of chain clubs. Not Wetherspoons or the many breweries which try to keep the pub genre going but million pound monstrosities such as Liquid, Walkabout and the ‘wacky and wild’ Jumpin' Jaks. All of which you will see in most towns in the country, with the same set up, drinks and ‘entertainment’ If its what people want, fair enough but is it what they want? All this ‘drink what you want and really quickly’ culture has been forced upon us by these chain clubs and sadly people vote with their vomit. The pub culture has always been about pacing yourself and resisting the temptation to throw ‘slammers’ down your neck.

Britain’s once proud pub culture is slowly being decimated, I would be surprised if there are any ‘proper pubs’ left in ten years. I suppose it doesn't really matter - we are slowly losing our national identity anyway. Now its all about drunken idiots, who can’t handle their drink, stumbling about and causing no end of problems. Is that what we really want? What happened to having a good time, listening to good music and having a nice drink?

The Robins Walk On Water!

2008-09-02T16:45:00.000-07:00

Wigan Robin Park 6 - 1 Ashton Town
Tuesday 2nd September
Vodkat North West Counties League First Division
Robin Park Arena, Attendance: 101

Wigan Robin Park moved to the business end of the North West Counties League, Division 1 as they hammered local rivals Ashton Town 6-1 at the Stadio de Robin Park Arena in the awful torrential rain.

The weather had been on and off all day (that’s rain on and rain off!) but it was okay as I made the short walk down to the arena. I wanted to get my first RP programme tonight but as I got in, the chap in front of me bought the last one! My mood got a little better as I was handed a copy of the team sheet, which was probably useless as the pitch is so far away from the stands, you can’t really see the players numbers!

The game took a while to get going but Robin Park looked the stronger and went ahead after Adam Whittle forced in a rebound after the Ashton keeper made a great save. Ashton could have been level soon after but they failed to turn their pressure into a goal. Just before half time, Ryan Small scored a great goal from the right-hand side to put RP 2 up.

With the rain pouring down, I made the brave journey down to the ‘Robins Nest’ to get a half-time brew (70p) and sat back down to watch the second half, which was far more entertaining. Robin Park scored 4 more, with Small getting his second and probably the goal of game, as he went clean through after a nice interchange of passes, rounded the keeper and scored. Small also missed a penalty (maybe two, I couldn’t see!) as sub Ryan Edwards, who bagged an hat-trick, benefited from the second penalty miss after the keeper parried the ball away, and the rebound fell into his path. Ashton scored a consolation right after the first penalty miss, as RP lost their concentration. But as the final whistle went, the majority of the decent crowd of 101 were delighted! 101 for this level and a club of RP’s age (formed in 2005) is really good, hopefully we can keep this up!

It brought to an end a great second half, Robin Park played really well, considering the conditions and was easily worth the £3 entry fee! It was nice to see some good honest football for once. The professional game could learn a lot from non-league and that just doesn’t apply to the players. Here’s to a few more RP games and hopefully a promotion in the not too distant future! Next up for WRP is an away trip to AFC Liverpool, who were formed by disgruntled supporters of Liverpool, hopefully we can pull off a minor shock and get the three points. Our next home match is against Rochdale Town.

Wigan Robin Park FC - Offical Website - http://www.webteams.co.uk/Home.aspx?team=wiganrobinparkfc

Vodkat League - Offical Website - http://www.nwcfl.co.uk/

Wigan Athletic - Big In Egypt!

2008-08-31T13:20:00.000-07:00

So after we hammered Hull City 5-0, suddenly it’s all ‘well done Wigan, hope you do well’. Less than six months ago, the same pundits and armchair ‘fans’ were desperate for Wigan to go down. So what’s changed?

It could well be the accusation of Amr Zaki. The Egyptian, who has signed on loan for a year, is massive in Egypt. He’s like their version of Wayne Rooney but better looking, less angry, people like him and he isn’t really a twat in anyway shape or form! Well, not yet anyway!

The new Latics’ hero bagged two goals against newly promoted Hull, with the second goal threatening to smash the crossbar! Is he finally the striker that we’ve been missing? Maybe. Not since the days of Nathan Ellington and Jason Roberts have we had a striker who terrified defences. Is this the season where we might achieve something big? Let’s hope so!

I always enjoy a look at various football websites and it seems the majority of Egypt is getting behind Latics because of Amr Zaki. There have been plenty of messages and questions from people wanting to know more about the club, which can only be a great thing! We need all the fans we can get!

Which brings me to the next point. I won’t really go much into it but Dave Whelan has opened his stupid mouth once again and told a national paper that Wigan does not deserve a football team because only 15,000 Wigan fans turned up against Chelsea. The word ‘dick’ comes to mind but that’s too kind for the self-styled ‘Mr Wigan’, who still pays people minimum wage in these hard economic times. Yet he still expects people to turn up to every match. Wigan Athletic, just 10 years ago where getting 2,500 home fans, so how the fucking hell are they staying away Whelan? http://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/2008/08/30/dave-whelan-slams-wigan-fans-115875-20717390/

I would suggest that he should put his hand in his pocket and spend money on advertising the club. Wigan, a town whose newspaper advertises BOLTON WANDERS SEASON TICKETS, whilst we have sandwich boards outside ASDA. Well done Dave, another masterstroke!

As I write this, another one of Whelan’s dropped bollocks has come back to haunt him - Jimmy Bullard has been called up to the England squad. Jimmy was always a hard worker for Latics and that is just what England needs, not fairies like Frank Lampard! So well done Jimmy, just don’t take no frigging corners! Perhaps Whelan should have paid Bullard those extra £££’s he wanted. And please don’t give the ‘homesick’ excuse, you can’t get away with paying peanuts for Premiership players Dave!

Real-ity Television?

2008-08-29T06:01:00.000-07:00

I’ve kept too quiet for too long but it is really getting on my wick! At the risk of upsetting 99% of chavs who watch Jeremy Kyle, whilst smoking in front of their baby and shagging their boyfriend’s mate, who is really their cousin, I really dislike reality television programs!

My interest in this as boiled to the surface after bullying racist Jade Goody was told on India’s version of ‘Big Brother’ that she had cancer. If this is true, then I hope she recovers. But it’s a wee bit convenient isn’t it? Whilst on a television show, grovelling for forgiveness from a country whose Bollywood star she had apparently bullied.

Of course all the goons have taken to the ‘brave Jade’ campaign, not realising that 1000’s of men and woman suffer with this awful disease every day with no help from no-one. They are the brave people, not self-styled thicko’s who make a tit of themselves on television just to get famous. She’ll be okay, she is now the darling of the gutter press once again and the millions of people who believe the media hype. I’m just worried about all those everyday people who can’t afford those treatments that ‘brave Jade’ will be getting, perhaps in exchange for exclusive snippets from her new autobiography, well one written in her guise anyway!

Get well soon Jade, just hope Max Clifford has covered his tracks……..

But where will it end? Will it ever end? Most of my hatred is towards all these ‘pop music’ shows. We have four numpties who know as much about music as a two year-old. Granted Simon Cowell knows what sells but he knows jack all about music. Why is Danni Minouge there? Ditto Cheryl Cole? Louis Walsh has been sacked by Cowell more times than York but seeing as his ‘expertise’ is in boybands (wink, wink!); he’s probably the only one worth keeping on.

But I can’t for the life of me, know the answer to one question. If there is one question we will never know the answer to, even if we live for another 1000 years, it’s this: Why the bloody hell is Amanda Holden a judge on, the ironically- titled, ‘Britain’s Got Talent’? What the hell does she know about talent that we don’t?

After making her debut as a contestant on ‘Blind Date’ (she didn’t win), Amanda’s career has flourished. Starring in such epics as er, er, er, okay she used to go out with Les Dennis, apart from that, I can’t think of anything!

Okay that’s a bit unfair, the star of ‘Cutting It’ and ‘Wild at Heart’ knows how to act (a bit) but crying when some big lad, who is bullied at school, sings some opera (which undoubtedly, his mother ‘bullied’ him to sing!), isn’t the sign of a judge who is fair and knows her stuff.

Infact mastering the show itself, is like a checklist of criteria you must be, to get through. You either have to be seriously ill, bullied, fat, a weirdo, a dog, a failed contestant on another related show or Holden’s dole officer. And who won last year’s contest? A comedian? A magic act? Even a dancing dog? No, its was a fucking ponce who danced in water!

There’s nothing these reality shows won’t do. You look in your television mags, singing, dancing, cooking, hunting for ghosts, jumping out of planes and eating a Kangaroo’s testicle! They are supposed to represent real life. If they are true to life, then I really fear for our future!

Anyway here a couple of my suggestions for reality television shows which I’ve forwarded to a number of different television channels:

Britain’s Got No Talent What So F***ing Ever! – ‘Talent’ show in which Amanda Holden and Kerry Katona judge a variety of acts, including singers, dancers and er that’s it! Presented by Kate Thornton.

I’m a Celebrity (apparently) Chuck Me Out Of Here! – Game show where viewers phone in, answer a question and the winners are chosen at random from our 4 year old Sri Lankan boy, who we pay 2p a day, sorry I mean a computer! The winners will get to choose which washed-up celeb that will be thrown out of an in-flight aircraft, with no parachute. (Calls cost £25 a minute + Network charge, just to take the piss out of you that little bit more)

I’m a Celebrity (apparently) Chuck Me Out Of Here! – EXTRA – Game show/drama, in which the two remaining washed-up ‘celebs’ fight it out on the wing of the plane – like in Die Hard 2! Yippee Ki-Yay m**********ers!

Straight Eye For The Gay Guy – Reality show in which a gay guy is taken to live a ‘straight life’ for a week but realises that his new found straight mates are a bigger bunch of poofs than normal gay guys. They take in a Kooks concert and drink coffee at ‘Nero’. And our guy realises that he isn’t missing out after all!

21st Century Eye for the 19th Century Gentleman – Spin-off reality show in which we transport a 19th century man into the 21st century to sample life in our time and see how much as changed in 200 years. Our man is decked out in the latest ‘attire’. His smart waistcoat, shirt, trousers and top hat are replaced by the finest Henleys has to offer. Out goes timeless sheet music by Mozart, Verdi and Beethoven and in come ‘banging tunes’ like McFly, Fall Out Boy, 50 Pence and ‘banging house anthems’. He no longer as to work for a living as a fortnightly trip to the dole will sort him out. And in order to woo a lady, he no longer as to win her father’s favour and invite her to dance. He simply has to slap a ‘bitches’ tracksuited arse, shield his eyes from her orange skin and fumble for her bra. It’s touching stuff!

The Drinking Klub – Reality/game show in which 5 young people are invited to take on each other in a drinking contest. They are allowed to quaff as many bottles of WKD (or ‘Wicked’ as they are generally referred to) as they like. They are allowed just one food stop (generally a kebab or pizza) but it’s not compulsory. Its last-man standing as our contestants will no doubt turn to dirty tricks to win. Sick buckets, police officers on probation, with arrest figures to reach and ambulance crews will be on standby. Doormen will be provided if the action is a little slow. Girls will come into the game, to try and ‘mix things up’, if our lads are still standing at 2.00am.

The Premiership can fook off, I'm an Olympian!

2008-08-18T06:42:00.000-07:00

The Premiership is back! And I could not give a shit! I haven’t renewed my season ticket at Latics and quite frankly, I don’t really care.

The main reason is the utter knobs we have supporting the club. People who less than 4 years ago laughed at me for supporting MY HOMETOWN CLUB. Well fuck em! Let them live the ‘premiership dream’, which for me as turned into an absolute nightmare. I used to enjoy watching football, having a laugh and learning stuff, not just how to play but things like stats and players names etc. Then when I turned 18 (well 16…) I used to enjoy having a ‘few’ pints before and after the match.

Now Latics and their fans are constantly being belittled and patronised by everyone and I mean everyone. Even our local rag is against us! It’s getting to the point now that I want us to return to league 2. Proper grounds, with proper players and fans. Not money grabbing clubs, players not giving toss and fans actually getting behind their team. I miss the odd scuffle outside the ground, the smell of pies, piss and sweat on the walls! That’s what watching football is about, not stealing other teams' songs, wearing jester hats and 40 year-olds having ‘living the dream’ on the back of their replica shirts. So this season, I have made a pledge to watch as much lower league football as I can. Stay tuned for reports.

Meanwhile, my attention as been well and truly stolen by the Olympics! What with Great Britain (not Team fucking GB!) doing so well and London hosting the next games, things are looking up for sport in this country. With the governments’ plan to get everyone ‘active’, hopefully the current success can filter down to all these everyday, ‘overweight’ people, who believe that dieting will make them healthy and thin. DO SOME EXECERISE!

It is great to see athletes going all out to win gold though. And not just doing it to get a pay rise of £100,000 a week!

See you later!

Euro 2008 - End of Round 1

2008-06-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

So we have now had the first ‘round’ of matches in Euro 2008 and one thing I will say – thank god England aren’t in it, we would get absolutely hammered!

Before the tournament I went for Holland and after their 3-0 demolition of world champions, Italy, I think that judgment was justified! Hopefully Latics captain, Mario Melchiot, will get a game! But what a match it was? Both teams played well and despite being very fortunate to score an offside goal, Holland scored two fantastic goals to seal it. There where TEAM goals by the way, not fancy step-overs or free-kicks and penalties!

As for the rest? Spain looked pretty good, Portugal did the business and Germany where as efficient as ever. Still Holland for me though, I just think they have the same amount of quality both in defence and attack and their counter-attacking was there for all to see against a shaky Cannavaro-less Italian defence.

A word on the fans, pretty good but I reckon Germany won’t get threatened by UFEA, after a large number of their fans where arrested after fights with Polish fans. We won’t even hear about it again [rolly eye thing].

The Real Final – Hull City 1 Bristol City 0

2008-05-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

So there I was, on my annual trip to the pub to watch The Championship playoff final. After 39-year old Dean Windass struck a superb volley into the net, Hull City joined the ranks of the Premiership ‘big boys’.

Rewind just a couple of days and we had hundreds of numpties, littering our town centre and supporting a team which they had never seen in the flesh. Man fucking United.

Everything about that club is wrong. From the whinging, cheating manager, the whinging, cheating players and the complete utter whoppers they have munching prawn sandwiches and singing ‘Viva Ronaldo’ and ‘Argentina’, just fuck off you bunch of tossers. However, to be fair, the majority of the teams in the Premiership are the same. What have Hull let themselves in for? After a quick browse on the interweb, I see that other club’s ‘fans’ are predicting them to go down quicker than Kerry Katona on the local drug dealer.

Back to the game, where we had decent honest players fighting it out to be promoted to the most overrated league in football. A final worth £60 million, apparently! No diving, no cheating just a good honest game. The losing manager was quick to congratulate them and not have a moan about a throw-in given the wrong way etc. A player, who was just pleased to be playing for his home town club, scoring the winner. That’s just magic. That’s football. Sadly Hull City won’t see that type of football for at least a year.

Unfortunately, they will probably struggle but I don’t suppose their fans really care. Just being a part of that great Wembley win, must have been amazing. Soon they will be undated with ‘Johnny Come Latelys’ and people who are ‘Manchester through and through’, despite having no connection with the said city, going along to games and pushing the decent fans out. Referees will favour the ‘big’ clubs as will the media. They will be seen as a ‘rugby league town’, despite having bigger attendances than both rugby clubs. Wiganers - Sounds familiar doesn’t it!

Welcome to the Prem, Hull City!

Human Bear Baiting - With Jerermy Kyle

2008-05-23T07:10:00.001-07:00

It was described by a court judge as ‘Human bear bating’. And you know what? He was f***ing right!

I hope to god that the ‘Jeremy Kyle Show’ isn’t a true reflection on society today. But I know it’s a losing battle. We have our neighbourhood unfriendly, shell suit-clad thugs, who have fathered 6 kids with 6 different women, who are more of a man than the men! That’s normally the case with this show. I feel sorry for the kids, they don’t just have clueless pricks for parents but scruffy bastards as well!

Then there’s the host, ‘JK’. A jumped up radio host, who hit the headlines by running a competition where two complete strangers would marry each other. And when the marriage failed, what did he do? Yep, he had the bride for himself!

If you’ve seen the show, you’ll understand when I say the man is a self pompous prick. He is a poor man’s Kilroy, he doesn’t look half as smart as Trisha and he lacks the class of Jerry Springer.

What’s this lie-detector test all about? Let’s test someone, who is already nervous, on their reactions. If they fail, they're lying. How does that work then? A detector so accurate, it’s used in courts up and down the land. Not. They’re not because they don’t fooking work! And people actually believe the results! It’s laughable.

JK always bleats on about giving people their ‘side of the argument’. But when he has already made his mind up on whether or not that person is scum, he shouts over them! Hardly a fair argument then is it?

‘The host with the most’ is aided by a large team. That team consists of camp ‘councillor’, Graham (‘A Genius’ – apparently), his security team, so when our JK threatens some chav, he’s got back up and his research team – who actually do all the work. Let’s not forget the partisan crowd. Old Trafford, Nou Camp or any football ground in Turkey hasn’t got anything on this mob. They cheer on their hero like Russell Crowe was in Gladiator and boo like little children watching a ‘Jack and The Beanstalk’ pantomime.

I just honestly don’t know why anyone would want to sort out their problems on national telly. Having strangers patronise and belittle you and being booed by a bunch of cattle, who aren’t any better.

All in all, if you want a laugh at the scum of society, tune in. If you want to see why radio hosts should never be allowed on television, tune in. But for god sake, if you have a problem, sort it out privately. Don’t go on a fooking television chat show!

Jeremy Kyle, a show watched by the thick, unemployed, the students and the insomniacs.

Eurovision

2008-05-22T09:37:00.001-07:00

Monsters, Transsexuals and Freaks, no it’s not an episode of ‘Tales from the Crypt’ – It’s the awful Eurovision Song Contest.

Get set for a night of political voting, bad singing and more campness than the toilets in Canal Street.

I don’t know where to start with this. Everything about the ‘competition’ is just plain wrong. I gather the object of the contest is to promote ‘togetherness’ and ‘fair play’ amongst Europeans. That’s right, many countries that aren’t even in the EC and don’t even contribute to anything. It’s like the dole queue at the job centre!

However recently, many of the Eastern European countries have made the competition a sham – by voting for each other, regardless of the quality of the song. These are the same countries that where at war with each other less than 15 years ago.

Then there’s the year we got no points. The song wasn’t great but it certainly wasn’t the worst, a ‘convenient’ sound problem contributed to our worse performance in the contest. Oh and we invaded Iraq along with America and a few other European countries, to dislodge an evil dictator and nick his oil. If that isn’t a fickle, pointless protest, I’m Terry Wogan!

Before anyone comes out with a ‘sour grapes’ comment, I couldn’t really give a monkeys if the UK wins or not. Regardless of our position, we still have the best music in the world, have you ever wondered why we put in so many X Factor runners up in Eurovision?

I’ll be down the pub on Saturday, hopefully I’ll see the weird girl (who used to be a lab technician at Tommy Moore, my old school) who goes around wearing her Union Jack dress and cheering on some poor bastard who couldn’t beat Shane ‘Irish-Manc’ Ward. I hate Eurovision…..

…..And Doctor Who as been put back a week, because of it!